Prayers for Bobby
A new book examines a gay son's suicide, and his mother's new life.
By Jeff Walsh
Bobby Griffith's four-year struggle with being gay and trying to live a Christian life ended on Aug. 27, 1983.
On that day, the twenty-year-old California man backflipped off a freeway overpass in Portland, OR., timing his leap so his body would be struck and killed by an oncoming tractor-trailer.
For four years before his death, his religious mother encouraged him to "cure" his homosexuality through prayer. Bobby also kept an extensive diary during those years, which chronicles his highs and lows.
Confusion and cures
What's wrong with me? I wish I could crawl under a rock. God, do you enjoy seeing me stumble around this world like a stupid idiot? I think you must. There's probably some kind of pill somewhere that would heal my brain or there's probably some kind of vitamin that I'm not getting enough of. -- Bobby's diary entry for Sept. 28 1981
Prayers for Bobby, a new HarperCollins book written by Leroy Aarons chronicles Bobby's struggles and how his death served as a catalyst for his mother Mary.
"His mother was an extreme fundamentalist Christian who felt God was going to cure her son of homosexuality and badgered the boy for four years to cure himself through prayer," says Aarons, who is the former executive editor of the Oakland Tribune, and both the founder and current president of the National Lesbian Gay Journalists Association.
"She had made a terrible, terrible mistake," Aarons says. "The wonderful thing is, tragically, after his death she began to discover the error of her ways and she's now a crusader for gay kids."
Mary Griffith, 60, of Walnut Creek, Calif. says that she was only doing what she thought was right for her son.
"I certainly believed with all my being that homosexuality was something God was going to cure and that it was a condition that had to be cured," she says. "There were no if, ands or buts about it. That's all I had ever known.
"We loved Bobby and thought we were doing the right thing," she says.
Bobby got more and more depressed as he prayed for God to cure him. His mother says she always had faith that God would help her son. But when he killed himself, she couldn't understand why God would have allowed that. If Bobby died a gay man and being gay is an abomination to God, she felt God had passed her son over.
"She was a total unquestioning believer of the Bible," Aarons says. "When she found out her son was gay, she believed its condemnation of gay people as being sinful and damned. She tried to rescue her son from that fate."
Mary Griffith, who has another son and two daughters, now says the beliefs she was taught and blindly accepted as a devout Presbyterian prevented her from helping her son when he needed her.
"It was a terrible injustice," she says. "I find some comfort in knowing that I can't totally be held responsible for something I didn't know. There's an awful lot of ignorance in the church."
For a year and half after Bobby's death, Mary Griffith did a lot of "soul-searching" and investigation about homosexuality and the Bible.
"She couldn't accept that God allowed him to die rather than cure him," Aarons says. "She got an inkling that someone went wrong, since they had played by the book."
She eventually reached the conclusion that "Bobby wasn't healed because there was nothing wrong with him," she says. "It was perfectly normal and healthy for Bobby."
Internal struggles
Until Bobby was 13, Mary says he was fairly outgoing but then he began to withdraw, which she thought was "the normal teenage roller coaster thing with his emotions."
A "nature boy," she says he was always involved in outdoor activities and loved old movies.
When Bobby was 15, he told his older brother Eddie he was gay, but made him promise not to tell anyone. After Bobby unsuccessfully tried to kill himself with a bottle of Bufferin, Eddie broke his promise.
Mary Griffith says Bobby was "humiliated" that they knew he was gay.
Things got better for Bobby when he went to a junior college which had a gay group on campus. He dated and did have boyfriends, but his mother says he always fought a battle between what he felt in his heart and what he taught was proper.
"The thing with Bobby is that he could not separate from his religious teachings," she says, adding that he felt "anything positive about being gay was from Satan and it was not valid. The psychological terror just tormented him.
"He felt within himself he was a kind decent human being," she says. "He couldn't understand why he would be hated and why God would consider him an abomination."
She also says Bobby was very artistic and would probably have been a writer or journalist if he were alive today. His writing interests are evident in his diaries, which she estimates total over 400 pages. "Extensive excerpts" of his diary, which Aarons called "an extraordinary document chronicling his day to day existence," are found throughout the book.
Helping others
Mary Griffith says she hopes the book will "help kids understand their own parents and where they're coming from. The kids will hopefully find some benefit from our experience. "
Griffith, who runs a chapter of Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays (P-FLAG) out of her home, says she enjoys helping kids deal with their sexuality. She helps them cope with the same feelings that led her own son to his death, and also teaches them to shield themselves from prejudice in an often cruel world.
"I think it's just a shame that they have to hear all that negative stuff out there," she says. "I'm really amazed at kids that do make it because of all the horrible stuff. I've always been told that if they can laugh until they're 25 they can make it."
Her message to queer kids, though, is to believe in their parents' love, despite how they may seem to view gays and gay issues.
"They need to really believe that their parents do love them, but that they're coming from a place of ignorance and fear," she says.
Griffith is so in tune with the gay community and gay issues that when a new parent comes to her support group meetings, she has to step back anymore and realize where they're coming from.
"It's really hard when parents come in here and they're so distraught and I'm like `What's all the fuss about?'" she says.
Aarons said that helping other gay kids also helps Griffith. "I think she's at greater peace than when she started," he says. "She realizes that she is able to help people and saved potentially many other lives. That brings her satisfaction."
Anew, but alone
With a government study estimating that 30 percent of all teen suicides are carried out by queer and questioning kids, Griffith also wonders why she is the sole voice for parents who have lost their gay children.
"There are many mothers out there whose sons have killed themselves," she says. "Where are they? It's been 12 years, and I'm the only one out here.
"I realize many are ashamed of their kids in both life and death," she says. "I just could not let Bobby die and say `God's will be done.'" The search that led Mary Griffith to the posthumous acceptance of her gay son also began her questioning other things in life.
"She's become an independent thinker after being a 1950s housewife," Aarons said. "She likes that new person, but you never get over the loss of a child."
Griffith says she no longer practices any organized religions, but still maintains her own spirituality.
"My basic belief now is that any ideology or creed that undermines our self-esteem or a human being is abusive," she says. "It's not worth tormenting a child and making them live in misery and pain. It's next to child abuse, and that's certainly what unknowingly happened to Bobby."
And teaching the lesson she painfully learned to other parents is something Griffith says she will do forever.
"Parents don't realize that they are their child's lifeline," she says. "Kids need that home base, that comfort at home. That really is all that matters."
Similar stories
Aarons said he was first taken with the Griffiths' story when he first read about it in 1989 in the San Francisco Examiner as part of a piece they were writing on gay life in America.
"I was absolutely taken with the poignancy of this story," he says. "She had made a terrible, terrible mistake. So, that really struck me as a story of hope that merges from tragedy. That interests me more than a sad tale."
"Prayers" is Aarons' first book. He says the hardest part about writing it was "finding my way to the heart of Bobby's motivation, and satisfying myself that his depression was truly a result of the way he internalized society's view of being gay, and that he wasn't just a depressed personality himself to start with."
Aarons admits that on many levels he also related to Bobby. "I grew up in a different era where things were even worse," Aarons says. "Suicide was never part of my repertoire, but I was extraordinarily isolated teenager with nobody to talk to about my sexual proclivity.
Aarons says it took him nearly 25 years to reconcile his sexuality. He now lives in Sebastopol, Calif., with his spouse of almost 15 years, Joshua Beneh.
"I survived," he says, "but I had to deal with it for a very long time."
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Being a mother of 2 girl's,
Being a mother of 2 girl's, Never would I put a religion before my children. I feel today's churches have no room to give advise. While watching Prayers for bobby, and the torment he indured make's me ask a question? " Why didn't any other family member step in or anyone in the school system help this poor young man?" In closing my prayer's are with bobby, at least someone is there now.
FIRST TIME HERE... BUT FEEL THE NEED TO COMMENT
I WOKE UP EARLY THIS AM BECAUSE I COULD NOT SLEEP. WATCHED A LITTLE OF LARRY KING LIVE AND SAW "PRAYERS FOR BOBBY" WOULD AIR SHORTLY.
I TOOK AN INTEREST. THE MOVIE IS OVER AND I AM SO MOVED. A TRAGEDY OF THE GREATEST MAGNITUDE THAT WAS DOCUMENTED WITH SUCH CANDOR. I TRIED BUT I COULD NOT HOLD BACK THE TEARS.
I KNOW IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 27 YEARS SINCE BOBBY'S SUICIDE AND NONE OF US WILL EVER KNOW WHO BOBBY MAY HAVE BECOME OR WHAT BOBBY MAY HAVE CONTRIBUTED IN LIFE.
HOWEVER, WE ALL KNOW AND FEEL THE IMMEASURABLE CONTRIBUTION HE HAS MADE IN DEATH, TRAGIC AS IT WAS.
HIS MOTHER'S NEVER ENDING LOVE, EVEN THOUGH FOR A TIME MISGUIDED, HAS THROUGH BOBBY BEEN TRANSFORMED INTO A TESTAMENT TO WHAT A PARENTS LOVE IS CAPABLE OF, BOTH GOOD AND BAD.
TO MARY, I OFFER MY SINCERE APPRECIATION TO YOU FOR YOUR STRENGTH AND NEVER ENDING SEARCH FOR ANSWERS.
A SEARCH THAT BROUGHT YOU FROM THE IGNORANCE OF BLIND ACCEPTANCE OF THE HYPOCRISY AND INTOLERANCE OF RELIGION, TO THE ANSWERS THAT GOD GIFTED YOU WITH. AND WITH AND THROUGH THOSE ANSWERS FOR LETTING YOUR BEAUTIFUL "GAY" SON CONTINUE TO LIVE ON IN YOU AND YOUR WORK AND EFFORTS.
I KNOW BOBBY IS SO PROUD OF YOU. BOBBY MAY NOT BE WITH US IN THIS LIFE BUT HE IS ALIVE IN YOUR EFFORTS MARY, IN HIS FATHER AND SIBLINGS.
TO BOBBY'S FATHER, BROTHER, AND SISTERS AND OF COURSE TO MARY, MY PRAYERS, MY TEARS, MY LOVE BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY MY HOPE THAT YOU REALIZE THAT BOBBY, AND ALL THAT GOD GIFTED HIM WITH INCLUDING HIS SEXUALITY LIVES ON IN EACH OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN. NEVER LET THE FLAME OF HIS LIFE DIM BUT EACH DAY WITH EVERY EFFORT LET HIS FLAME BURN EVER BRIGHTER.
MY LOVE AND PRAYERS FOR ALL OF YOU. I REGRET THAT I DID NOT HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO HAVE KNOWN BOBBY. MY HONOR AT THIS POINT IS THAT I HAVE COME TO KNOW OF HIM AND HIS STRUGGLES AND TO KNOW OF YOU AND YOUR STRUGGLES AND VICTORIES.
I AM CONFIDENT THAT HIS LIFE AND HIS STORY HAS AND WILL CONTINUE TO SAVE MANY PARENTS FROM IGNORANCE AND INSPIRE UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE OF THEIR CHILDREN.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, HIS LIFE, HIS DEATH, AND HIS STORY HAS AND WILL CONTINUE TO PROVIDE THAT STRENGTH AND THOSE ANSWERS, THAT HE COULD NOT FIND, TO THE MANY GAY YOUTH WHO, 27 YEARS LATER, FACE THE SAME CHALLENGES, CONFUSION, LACK OF UNDERSTANDING AND REJECTION THAT BOBBY FACED.
A STENGTH AND ANSWERS THAT WILL ENABLE SO MANY YOUNG GAY MEN AND WOMEN TO TURN FROM THE PATH BOBBY FELT COMPELLED TO FOLLOW.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR BOBBY WITH ALL OF US.
YOU ARE SO FORTUNATE TO HAVE A SON AND A BROTHER WHOSE LIFE AND DEATH HAS HAD SUCH AN IMPACT ON ALL WHO COME TO KNOW OF HIM. FEW PARENTS OR SIBLINGS HAVE SUCH AN HONOR.
I LOOK FORWARD TO HAVING THE PRIVILEGE OF MEETING HIM IN HEAVEN.
ON EACH AUGUST 27TH FROM THIS DAY FORWARD I WILL OFFER MY PRAYERS FOR ALL THE YOUNG GAY MEN AND WOMEN WHO FACE BOBBY'S DILEMNA.
WHEN WE LOSE SOMONE WE LOVE, ESPECIALLY A CHILD OR BROTHER UNDER SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES, WE ASK WHY? HOW? WHY MY SON? WHY MY BROTHER?
AS A CONCLUDING THOUGHT, JUST MAYBE GOD CHOSE BOBBY TO BE THAT MARTYR WHOSE DEATH WOULD INSPIRE SO MANY TO COME TOGETHER TO ADDRESS THIS TERRIBLE INJUSTICE OF THE REJECTION AND BIGOTRY TOWARDS "THOSE OF HIS CHILDREN HE CREATED WITH THE GIFT OF BEING GAY".
TONY DAMICO
Prayers for Bobby
Bobby is in Heaven. His death was not in vain. The lives saved from his story add some good to the horrifying torment and eventual death of this young man. Many churches are guilty of false teachings. My Pastor invites us all to check him out for ourselves, using a Strong's Concordance, companion bible, and use those tools to see the translations of the King James version for ourselves. After all, the Bible was translated many times over from the Greek, latin and arabic languages. You also must allow for that time period that verses were quoted from. Many words used from that time period are no longer used today to define and explain the meaning of biblical verses, and better translational words could have been chosen in many areas of the Bible. If Bobby wasn't taught the correct word of the Lord, as it appears to be the case, then his chance for salvation will come in the spiritual body he is in now. That's not to say that there is a second chance at salvation, but a loving and compassionate God would not condemn a person to hell if they were never taught the word correctly to begin with. To all the Bible "thumpers "out there, look long and hard at your beliefs, and check out the original words from the manuscripts and see what the original words were there before they were translated to the words in scripture. You will see many areas that were not to be taken literally and will come away with some of your questions answered, and some will remain a mystery. God bless Bobby and the Griffith family. Many will take comfort in hearing his story and lives will be saved. HOWIE
My heart is with you Mary and your family
A year ago my son came to me and told me and a family friend that he thought he was gay (he was 16 then). I have to admit I did have a problem with it at first but after much thinking I realized that no matter whom my son chose to love, I would love as well. His happiness was all that mattered and matters to me. I know that he is a very giving, very compasionate young man and if he is gay, well that doesn't matter to me. We are a very close mom and son ( I am a single mother). I will support him and the one love of his life that he finds, when he finds them. I want to wish Bobby's parents and his siblings all the luck in the world, please keep up the fight for gay and lesbian civil rights. I want to thank each and everyone of you that is proud of who you are and will not change to suit others. You all are heros in my eyes. Hugs to you all.
this movie gives me strength to be who i really am
i'm 13 currently, and i'm gay, only my friends know what i truly am, i have planned to tell my parents 2 weeks after i turn 14, i need strength, and my friends tell me i'm not alone, they keep me in their prayers, and after i saw this movie, i realized that i should not be afraid to be who i really am, but my mother condemns me for everything, and i don't know whatto do, i've amde 6 suicide attempts this year, all of which have failed, please, pray for me to have strength to tell my parents
Just as an FYI
For those who missed it, Prayers for Bobby comes on again tonight on Lifetime at 8pm Eastern.
(\/) I can haz cookie?
(O.o)
(>o<)
I don't think I could take
I don't think I could take watching it. I have to focus on the kids I can help, as that is what gives me strength, but I hope many people (parents in particular) will learn from this story.
_________________________________
- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
I applaud Mary Griffith...
for having the courage to follow through with this movie. I watched it twice, and I learned something each time I watched the movie. I also applaud the actors, producers, and everyone else involved for making a movie that was touching, educational, and hopefully, inspiring to the young people out there who are facing this very challenge.
A Real Christian Church
www.hadwenparkchurch.org
Thank you Mary Griffith; and blessings for you, Bobby
I am a lesbian. I attempted suicide many times in my life when I thought my parents would rather have a "dead daughter than a lesbian daughter". It is 25 years later. I sat here today with tears falling down my face watching Mary's character shift from "god hates you for being gay" to "I am wrong for thinking God could hate".
I have been realizing this week that I have some leftover brain injuries from my suicidal DOA. I was never diagnosed and therefor never treated. But I am alive. I guess if it was NLuu (above) I would try again.
It's hard to realize even today, at the age of 53, that my parents "tolerate" knowing I am a lesbian but have never had to even be "kind" to a partner of mine. I still get invited to family weddings as a party of one. "Accepting" one's gay/lesbian/bi/trans kid is not the same as "acceptance".
I have never had acceptance. and I may never. I hope NLuu's post is removed. there are plenty of places on the web for people who hate in the name of jesus to bash us...I hope it is not tolerated here.
I am alive. Thank you Mary. and Thank you Bobby for giving your life, actually similarly to Jesus if you believe the "book" for others to have freedom. and yet, there are still yet those who laud Jesus for dying and still are offended by Bobby. Interesting huh?
thanks for listening. Ame
I deleted the derogatory
I deleted the derogatory comment and the account. I apologize to everyone who was exposed to that hater. It will not be tolerated here.
Hugs,
Pat
_________________________________
- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
"A PRAYER FOR BOBBY"
I JUST WATCH THE MOVIE I HAD RECORDED IM A HUGE FAN OF LMN AND COULDNT WAIT TO SEE THIS MOVIE...MY GOD THIS WAS SOOO TOUCHING....I HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO SAYS SHE WAS MEANT TO BE A BOY SHE IS 7 YEARS OLD AND I SAY THAT IF SHE WAS TO BE LESBIAN I WOULDNT CARE BUT IF IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS IM READY TO ACCEPT THAT I BELIEVE THAT EVERYONE HAS THEIR RIGHT TO AN OPINION AND BEING GAY OR LESBIAN IS NONE OF ANYBODYS BUISNESS IF THATS WHAT YOU CHOOSE WELL SO BE IT I CANT STAND PEOPLE WHO WILL TAKE THE TIME TO JUDGE...MY PRAYERS ARE WITH MARY GRIFFITH AND HER FAMILY THANKS FOR DOING SUCH A GOOD THING FOR THE GAY AND LESBIAN COMMUNITY EVERYWHERE
Well, first off, I'm glad
Well, first off, I'm glad you're accepting. That will make this easier. Being gay is not a choice, we're born this way. Just thought I'd clear that up. :]
(\/) I can haz cookie?
(O.o)
(>o<)
thanks all you people for
thanks all you people for your support of all of us, we can't help being who we really are
I'm glad too....
Just wanted to piggy back on the "choice" comment. I am a lesbian and have been out for 10+ years. Prior to that, I CHOSE to be with men and CHOSE to fight against myself, and I CHOSE to be in the closet. I now CHOOSE to just be who I am. Therein, I suppose, is the choice. I'm sure it is hard for heterosexuals to understand but thats ok....Nobody's perfect!
Seeing the movie "Prayers for Bobby"
I watched the movie this weekend and it brought me to tears when I saw what he did. I am a gay man and I myself can so relate to what this young man was feeling. I also was brought up in a very religious christian family. (Jehovah Witness) I was always taught that I was going to hell. So for many years I just wanted to understand what was wrong with me. My father and I never had or still do not have a good relationship, he always called me a"sissy boy" and my mom would never be there to protect me. And the kids at school were worse. I think the way I survived is I just escaped into my head, if I could do it at home I could surely do it at school. I was never allowed to have friends so I just didn't know who or where to turn to talk to anybody about the way I felt. Sometimes I considered killing myself but just could never bring myself to doing it. I just felt I must have some reason for being here. I even went as far as getting married three times, having children, and lying to myself that I was not gay. Even though I knew the whole time that I still liked guys, so after the last divorce, I came out to my family and friends. My children were still a bit too young to explain all of this to them. I feel it was the next best thing in my life next to having kids. They have been my lifesaver, I pretty much put my whole life on hold to raise them and they are 18 now and know everything. We talk all the time about drugs and sex, I think one of my twin sons could very well be gay. He has never had a girlfriend or even looked at girls, why the other twin is all boy. He has had a girlfriend for many years. I have taken the one twin aside and let him know that being gay is just fine with me. There is nothing wrong with him and he is not going to go to hell. It took me 32 years to finally accept myself as a worthy person, and I don't want to have my son feel any of the stuff that I felt or went through. Life is hard enough as it is, and then to try and figure out you sexual orientation and have nobody there to explain it too you. Just makes your head want to explode. I am now 44 and would love to let other people know that it is okay to be gay. It is not a disease or a choice, it is a reality and a person is born that way. And they are not going to change, besides why would you want to be anybody but yourself and the sooner that a person can accept that, the better off they are going to be. I would tell all gay, lesbian, transgender or whatever gender you relate to "hold your head up high and be proud of who you are, and never let anybody bring you down, we are all put here for a reason and we are all gods creations, and he don't make no junk"
As Dingo points out with the
As Dingo points out with the above link, there are religious institutions out there that actually do emphasize love and acceptance rather than exclusion and divisiveness. In fact, there are more now than ever (since before monotheism evolved anyway). One just has to look around a bit for them. I personally am not a believer, but for those to whom religion is an important part of life, I would think it much healthier to find a place to worship where you are not considered evil, shameful and damned to hell. Every major religious institution I've encountered thinks they own God and "the truth". It's not the belief in God that makes them so sickening to me; It's their ridiculous dogmas that say "we are God's chosen ones, and the rest of you are shit". If we ever want a world that isn't full of hatred, bigotry and war, these dinosaurs need to go extinct so that more enlightened ones can thrive in their place. Unlike many athiests, I actually do think that "God" has a role to play in the modern world - not a god who judges and divides people, but one who loves and heals them.
_________________________________
- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
Prayers for Bobby
I watched Prayers for Bobby on Saturday night. It was one of the most moving movies I have ever seen. I am 24 years old and I am a lesbian. The movie and the story of this young man that had not even begun to live his life touched me in so many ways. I tried to committ suicide when I was 17 years old. I am thankful to this very day that it did not work. I know that God had a hand in that. It was not my time to go. I came out to my parents when I was 18. Unlike Bobby, I had a family that accepted me for me. They did not ask me to change who I was, because I was no different then I was the day before they knew. The only difference they saw was that I was genuinly happy. All throughout the movie I came to realize how lucky I am to have parents and family that cared enough for me to accept me for who and what I am. They didnt even think twice about how it would make them look. I am only sorry that those feelings from Bobby's family came too late.
I am overjoyed at the profound difference that Mary Griffith has made in our community. I am very greatful to her for everything that she has done to help all of the young gay and lesbians out there. There will not be a day that goes by that I will not thank my mother and father and all of my family for being there for me. For accepting me for me and not asking anything else. I will always hold Bobby and all of the other young gay and lesbians in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that one day we will all learn to accept each other for who we are and judge because of what we are.
Thank you Mary Griffith for speaking out when others have chosen to remain silent.
A religious observation
A friend of mine decided it was his path in life to educate the ignorant - not an easy task. I listened to what he had to say, and I realized that perhaps what I was gleaning from the Bible was actually not aimed at mainstream believers. My friend told me that the book of Leviticus was not intended for everyone but was a book of instructions for the Levitican priests. He said that the passage that homophobes love to throw at us (yes, I am a lesbian - 47 years old, living with my wife of 13 years in the heart of the Bible belt) was aimed at the priests in preparation for devotions.
It seems to me that the more hate mongering and negative emotions that are spewed from the "fundamental religious" community, the less I wish to associate myself with them. As a result of having read Prayers for Bobby some time ago, and especially now after having seen the movie, I have taken a very hard look at my own spirituality, where it comes from, what it means to me, and how it affects others in my life, particularly those that I love. My wife, raised in the traditional Methodist religion and converted to Catholicism as an adult, supports me and even joins me in my search, which makes it all the more meaningful.
Many kudos and much love to Mary Griffith for redirecting her energy in a more positive way.
Mind Blowing Show
I'm a 55yo man that took 48 years to say "I am a gay man and I didn't choose this". I tried praying it away my entire life and it took a considerable shock in my life to finally realize I could easily loose my life before I was actually ME. I was married to a wonderful and understanding woman when I finally came out who was hurt terribly and continued to love me through it all, including a devasting divorce (for both of us). As hard as we tried we finally realized our love was not going to get us through this. We are now best friends...we work for the same employer and see each other everyday. I will always love this woman but have found a wonderful man that has brought the part of me to life that I kept hidden for all those years. Even my ex says now she sees how much better off I am now. If the world had "allowed" people like Bobby and me to grow up and admit we were gay many many people would still be alive today and many families would not have been put through the hurt and pain of finding out about a lie in their loved ones life. I hope this movie opens some peoples eyes to the fact we do not choose this. THANK YOU for this movie!!!!
Prayers for Bobby
pamandgin
I am watching this movie because my wife very much wanted to see it. She fell asleep before it came on so I am left to cry alone. This story has many things in it that remind me of the stories my wife has told me of her forced coming out. Right down to the "I will not have a gay child". It helps put perspective on a part of her life I have never experienced.
I was dating my first love at 16, pregnant at 18 and married by 20. Twenty years later, I was a widow. I never doubted my love and devotion for my husband, but always knew I was attracted to women. Five years later, I am happily married to a wonderful women who loves me unconditionally. I am 45 years old and still feel I am coming out every day. To all my straight friends. To my gay community. And to myself. My biological family is gone but my wifes family has embraced our relationship and treat their daughter and I with love and respect. The perfect example of how people can change their hearts and minds.
Remember the times...
Bobby's death was in the 80s, a time when coming out was more emotional to families than the actual sexual orientation. We couldn't talk about things openly then, and there were no real role models on TV. Had Bobby been born 10-15 years later, he probably would've fared much better. I'm proud of the way so many have learned tolerance, acceptance and diversity.
I am straight, but my brother is gay. My 11 year old daughter announced last year that she is, and that she will one day marry a beautiful woman. She's still not wavered. I am pleased for her, that at such a tender age, she is able to express herself, and BE herself.
This really IS a better world.
What a beautiful and
What a beautiful and worthwhile comment. Thanks for sharing.
Reaching Out to Gay Youth
I, too, was raised to believe that God hated me for what I was. If not God, then certainly most of society. I grew up with a sense of self-loathing and despair that was so strong that I, too, attempted suicide at the age of 21. I was one of the lucky ones - not only did I survive the suicide attempt, but my parents did a complete about-face. They were more accepting of me being gay than I was! I remember talking to them about struggling with the morality of being gay (an ideology with which I can no longer relate), and my mom got this exasperated look on her face, threw her hands in the air, and said, "God doesn't care WHO you love, he cares THAT you love." They even quit their church after the pastor gave an anti-gay sermon.
That was 23 years ago. Today's gay youth are growing up in a world that is generally much more accepting of homosexuality than it was in my time, just as I grew up in a time that was more accepting than the generation before mine. Even so, I know there must be young gay people in my area (I live in a conservative, rural part of my state) that are struggling with self-acceptance. I would so love to reach out to them if I could, but I don't know how. If anyone is aware of a gay youth mentoring organization in the state of Virginia, I'd like to know.
Prayers for All
Wow!! I just finished watching "Prayers for Bobby" and did it home. I am still in tears because of my own experiences. I to almost took that leap of death several years ago before I was able to accept who I am. I was raised just like Bobby that God looks down on the gay community. I was taught from all my surroundings that gay was wrong. My church, my family, and even many of my friends looked down on it. I have known ever since I was in 5th grade that I was different and as sad as it may be, knew it wasnt accepted even then and had to keep it to myself. Being a kid is rough enough as it is without adding gay into the mix. My biggest struggle hit during my college years. I was active in my church and trying to live the straight life. Life got harder and harder and I had no one to talk to or go to about my problem. I was so scared of revealing to anyone who I really was inside afraid it would get out. Many prayers went to God wanting him to change who I was but it never happened. Ironically as it may sound, the night I almost ended my life was stopped by the very God I prayed to many times to take the gay away. Just before I ran my car over the cliff, I began to pray and it was then in that moment that God spoke to my heart. I knew I was never going to change and accepting myself was the start of others accepting me. I dont mean to ramble on about myself but watching this wonderful movie tonight took me to a dark place in my life. My mom acknowledges the fact I am gay but still hasn't completely accepted me entirely and it's has been almost 7 years since my coming out to her. Anyway, I am glad this movie was filmed and I hope parents out there who are struggling with the same dilema gets to watch it and allowed Bobby's story to help them. Mary is a great lady and I am glad she is out there fighting for our cause.
May God bless you all
Moved completely
I've seen this movie 3 times already, and each time I watch it, it makes me feel so much more for it, and I cry at every sad or happy part. Watching this has shown me what life could have been like in a different light, and it has given me the courage to want to tell my whole family about who I am and to not be ashamed of it. Bobby may not be alive today, but his spirit will live on in the hearts of many, and his message will stretch to anyone that listens. And for Mary, I can only say thank you. Thank you for all the hard work you have done for gay kids across the globe. Your actions will never go unnoticed in this world
=]
Unanswered Prayers
My story is the same as many of yours. I prayed for a miraculous conversion from gay to straight. Thank God for unanswered prayers! Since I accepted who I am, the Lord has blessed me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. One of the greatest gifts I received from God is my amazing church family. If you're ever in LA please stop by and meet them. http://www.christchapel.com
Rick (Accepted by God)
Prayers For Bobby
What a great guy Bobby was. I am 60+....have been bi-sexual since I was 12 years old.....obviously in the closet.....I have children and grand children.....Bobby's story is my story....my therapist has been trying to get me to share my early childhood with her.....Up until I saw BOBBY I have not been able to remember......I childhood and Bobbie's were very much.....dominering mother and distant father who was always busy trying to make money to feed his family.....we are Catholic and mother was always ranting and raving about being bad...when I was younger, I had some friends who were also bi. Fear controlled my life....I did not want anybody to know. I discuss it with my best friend and had some sessions with him.
Long story short......I had to get out from under mother's hand....when I was 21 I got married and got to live my own life. Was a travelling salesman so was able to hook up with guys every now and then.
I watched Bobby 3 times.....crying through the movie and even after I went to bed. Wy wife knows about my not remembering anything from my childhood.....Bobby gave me so much relief.....I am sure Bobby is up there and pray for him every night and will continue to do so.
I have a child that is lesbian.....does not know about me.
I hope that Bobby will give me the strength to open up my closet and not have to live in the dark.....been years since I have had connection with anyone else.....have many health problems.
I just want to thank the Griffiths for sharing their story. To bad it happened before being gay was NOT earth shattering.
Like Bobby I had no one to talk with about it....and only got my best friend involved when I was 20. He helped me all he could.
I pray that God will bless all of the Griffiths and will look into ordering the book.
I hope Lifetime will continue to show the movie....I would watch it every time it comes on.....maybe one time getting my wife to watch it to.
Peace and love to everyone. I have learned that God is easy to anger but I also know that God is very compassionate otherwise I would not be around.
REMEMBER THAT GOD HEALS....OUR PRIEST USED TO TELL US THE CHURCH WAS NOT A SHRINE FOR ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE....IT IS A HOSPITAL FOR SICK PEOPLE. AMEN
That last statement may be
That last statement may be true, Bill, but much of the problem lies in what one's church considers the "sickness" to be. Many consider it to be a person's "abnormal and sinful sexuality", when in fact, the sickness is the belief that God would condemn people for being the person they were born to be and loving who they were meant to love. It is that sickness that has caused you, me, Bobby, and so many others so much pain, and the time has come to cure it, both in church and in society. It's happening now...too late for Bobby, sadly, but like all martyrs to a great cause, his death has not been in vain, and if there is a God, Bobby is most certainly up there with him now.
_________________________________
- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
Notice...
Just deleted another inappropriate comment/user account here.
To be clear: If you join to post a negative comment here, it just gets deleted. So, save us both time and don't sign up. Then you don't have to sign up and post, and I don't have to delete your post and account. Kind of a useless cycle, since the site looks the same when we're both done anyway.
Thanks.
---
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi
Add me on Facebook and MySpace.
Prayers for Bobby
Wow. So many stories posted since I wrote a few days ago. I'm glad I found Oasis. My belief in God is very strong, as my first comment posted shows. Comments from Elise, about her 16 year old son being gay, and the way she handles it are very inspiring. Keep the lines of communication open with him. I worry about the statistics of teen suicide, that 30% are due to sexuality issues. We need to change that!!! Thank God that was never an issue with me, but apparantly it is to a lot of teens. Find strength wherever you can, and NEVER feel that you are a second class citizen. Pray to God to give you the strength to get through another day if you are struggling. God made us all and loves every one of us. Fight for your life. You're worth it!! I gave up years ago trying to figure out why I was born gay. All I know is every one of us has a right to be alive and have happiness, and live productive lives. And if you're struggling about God possibly condemning you, remember this: If you're thinking about God at all, then you already have Him in your life. I doubt the hatemongers truly do, though.(have God in their lives, that is.) God bless you all!! HOWIE
PRAYER FOR BOBBY!!!!!!!!
TO EVERY ONE TO READS, I AM GAY! I KNEW WHEN I WAS 12 YRS OLD. AND LIVE WITH MY FAMILY UNTIL I WAS 18YRS. WHEN LIVING WITH THEM IT WAS THE SAME AS BOBBY LIFE LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS. I THINK ABOUT COMMITTING SUICIDE SEVERAL TIMES, BUT DEEP INSIDE ME JUST SAY THAT THERE IS SOME THING OUT THERE FOR ME. SO I MOVE FAR AWAY FROM HOME, 20 YRS LIVEING WITH MY BF AND BEING HAPPY WERE I AM BUT AT THE SAME TIME LIVING IN THE DARKNESS MY PARENTS DONT KNOW AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL THEM, I WANT TO BUT I AM SCARED. WHAT MUST I DO ? THIS MOVIE PRAYERS FOR BOBY IS A WONDERFUL MOVIE SO WATCH, IT TOUCHES MY HEART AND I WOULD LIKE MY PARENTS TO SEE THIS MOVIE BEFORE TELLING THEM I AM GAY
PRAYERS FOR BOBBY ROCKS !!!!
Just a Question
Has Mary Griffith ever thought of publishing Bobby's Journal cause if the passages from the movie are from them it would allow in my opinion Bobby to do even more good?
Well...
The movie is based on a book by the late Roy Aarons, which contains a lot of journal excerpts (since I'm assuming that's where I got the ones I put in the article here).
---
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi
Add me on Facebook.
Everyone, please go to my
Everyone, please go to my website to discuss this movie further! We need to come together in one place to support one another!
http://www.prayforbobby.com/
Thank you!
Oasis has a long history as
Oasis has a long history as a place where GLBT teens and young adults can come for unconditional love, support and advice. Just thought I'd point that out. Of course, anyone who aspires to provide a supportive forum for gay youth is to be commended. Good luck with the board.
_________________________________
- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
uh...
i am a seveteen year old bisexual/homosexual (sort of confused) attending a catholic school. when i was fourteen i attempted to kill myself twice. when it did not work i told myself that i would just stay in the closest for a while untill either i turned eighteen or someone found out who i was. i drink a lot. i cut. i never identified with the flamboyant sterotypes, but i have always been different and never really been able to hide how much i contrast my racist red neck family. after watching prayers for bobby i am starting to reconsider what i will do when i turn eighteen. i could identify with him since the story was real and not full of sterotypes. i guess i could move away, go to college, and maybe even come out, but then i lose the hunting trips with my father (which i actually enjoy) and i probably won't be able to stay in the church anymore. i do not think i will care what my mother would say if i came out; we have not talked for years. plus i do not think there is even a chance that i will ever be happy. i have a lot of other issues going on in my life. i am mad at the world for a lot of things. the social worker assigned to me has not been much help even though he is a great person. being lgbt is one thing i have never been able to talk to him about. thanks for reading this. i am desperate for the any opportunity to process this all especially now that eighteen is so close.
Welcome to Oasis. There are
Welcome to Oasis. There are kids in circumstances very similar to yours here. Spend as much time as you want here, post, talk to others. I think it will help you a lot with how you feel about things, and what you decide to do. Remember, 18 is just a number. There's no need to rush into anything you're not ready for.
_________________________________
- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
WATCHING PRAYERS FOR BOBBY
this is a great movie, i cried alot through out the movie. i'm 17 and i'm going through the same thing bobby went through. I've already attempted suicide twice and every time i go to sleep i pray that i don't wake up. i didn't come out to my parents but my mom found out by going through my text messages in my phone and she read the messages from my girlfriend, my mom is a pastor so after she found out she told me i had gay demons in me and i called her some names out of anger so she kicked me out the house, i'm now staying with one of my friends, but i have droped out of school, i just don't care about anything in life anymore i feel like my whole family has given up on me and abandoned me i just hope someone in my family comes around to accepting me before it's too late
you will be ok...
It is your family's loss. Don't let their ignorance control you. When I was 16 I tried to commit suicide...I almost died and I am so greatful I didn't. Now, 20 years later I am married with 3 amazing children. I look in their faces and to think they were so close to not being here. I never thought I would be happy back then. I was scared and alone and I hated myself. I found a wonderful therapist who saved my life and made me see I am ok. I am ok and you are ok too. Please don't hurt yourself you deserve better. One day you will find your place. Your family may or may not come around and that is ok too becuase you have to live your life for yourself and no one else. You control your destinty, don't let their ignorance win. Find someone to talk to. I promise you the happiness will come, try and believe that. I don't know you but I care. I care.
Wow, I need some big help
My friend showed me the movie and I was moved deeply in ways I thought I never could be. I am a 15 year boy, turning 16 this year. Confused with my sexuality, have been for a couple years. Just one day... I just started noticing guys and couldn't help but to... well.. look at them. My religion plays a big role in my life but after this movie I'm kinda mixed up haha. I never thought about giving up or killing myself tho. I am really the kid that my friends beg to frown because I never stop smiling around school. I haven't had the best life but I just don't give up. Now... I kinda forgot why I'm typing this haha. But um... yeah... How would I get into contact with Mary or anyone else of the family?
*books mark page*
Never Give Up
I just finished watching the film , and it was the greatest film i ever seen, it so dramatic yet it gives hopes~
I am a 25 yo boy , and yes i did some mistake before, yet kinda funny and idiot what i did >_< though really , anyway that was when i was 13. Now i live with my bf and i live my life as good as i can hope
Luckily my religion never said things about being dammed or anything like that as said all life are precious~ really really precious because you can only lived once , so take care of your life carefully before doing any actions~ (so this is my mistake , iam idiot :( )
and so... someone precious to me said
"no matter how sad and lonely today is , if you meet someone...
it opens up the door to a hopefull tomorrow"
cheers,
Pain Through Doubt Gets Freedom
I have become quite the follower of the Prayer's For Bobby story. I grew up in SoCal. I can't really remember when I knew that I was different. I was always more emotional that most people. Not to say that I believe in the stereotypes associated with being gay, but I was different from most boys. But I lived a very sheltered life as a child. I don't even remember having met and or acknowledged person as gay until my teens. Although I grew up in the 90s, it was still something that was in my eyes kept under wraps. I was raised by both my grandmother and my mother. My grandmother kept me in the church and never hid her sense of disgust for "gay people. " She frequently refered to us as "Sissees." (If I spelled that right...lol) Just today, with me at 22, she still manages to state that she feels that "they" are disgusting. I have been coming to grips with the idea of coming out to my family for quite some time now. I recently found out that the first guy I ever dated is now HIV positive. This combined with the premier of this movie in the same period of time hit me hard. I have to realize that acceptance or not, life is too short to play a role. Life is precious. I came out to my mother last year. She still isn't comfortable with it enough for me to have an open conversation with her about a guy I think is cute or etc...and she voted against Gay Marriage in California. I sometimes don't think I will ever get through to my family. I am extremely optimistic, though as my mind will not allow me to lose all hope. I have been wanting them to know this for the last 3 years now. I am tired of waiting. I have joined a coming out group, I dated my first guy in 2007. I mean, I'm not the social butterfly that I have hoped for yet, but I want to be able to share those stories with my family. One thing that Bobby started to experience towards the end of the movie, was that his exceptance of himself, meant losing the family that he had grown to hold so dear. Suicide has been a thought in my mind. I have cut, I have taken pills, I have started bad habits that take my mind away from living, but I still believe. This movie is like whoa. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting...not realizing that whether people accept it or not. Living is living...and I'm the only one to blame for my unhappiness. Bobby could have been a strong and proud gay man. I admire his ability to even stand up to his family. I am 2 years older than he was when he passed and I still have barely managed to discuss the issue with cousins. I still have my grandma, father, and uncle to tell. I will wait no longer. Arrangements have been made, but I need to be the man that Bobby and Mary would want me to be in my heart. Someone who wasn't afraid of being who God intended me to be. Gay, Strong, And Loving Life. Rest in Peace Boo...Please watch over me as I enter my path to being me. :-)
Flower Comments
Jamilamir
prayer for bobby
just finished watching the movie and I wasnt expecting to be touched by this movie but I was moved by the performance by the actors and the story itself. I am gay and came out at the age of 18. I am now 35. My prayers for Mrs. Griffith.
Asking permission
Hello Jeff Walsh,
My name is Fr. Marty Kurylowicz, who came out publicly, as a gay priest to my parishioners in March 1997. I did so because I felt a strong moral obligation to draw attention to the serious harm caused to very young children who grow up to be gay, who are raised in social environments influenced by antigay social and religious norms.
I have started a project called the “Thalamus Center” to continue to this advocacy for children to stop this type of child abuse.
http://fathermartykurylowicz.blogspot.com/
I am asking your permission to place an excerpt from your article in the
Oasis Magazine
"Prayers for Bobby" A new book examines a gay son's suicide, and his mother's new life.
http://www.oasisjournals.com/Issues/9512/fea0795-prayers.html
on http://fathermartykurylowicz.blogspot.com/2009/07/prayers-for-bobby-new-...
I placed all the necessary links to Oasis Magazine Website.
If this does not meet with your approval I will remove it immediately.
I have a link to Oasis Magazine on the Thalamus Center blog.
With all best wishes,
Marty
Martin S. Kurylowicz, M.Div., M.S.
4005 Cornerstone, Dr.
Canton, Michigan 48188
Phone: 248-921-3249
Email: martinsk@comcast.net
Website: http://www.martinkurylowicz.com/
Blog: http://fathermartykurylowicz.blogspot.com/
My story
I just watched this movie and it really touched me more than any other movie I have ever watched. It really hit home for me because I am a lesbian. I grew up in what you call the bible belt and my family is very religious. Since I was a kid, I have known that I was gay but I have tried to fight these feelings. I tried to force myself to be straight and dated many guys throughout high school. I tried to ignore my feelings and I became really depressed. While I continued to try to date guys, I met a girl. I tried to fight these feelings for her but they were so strong and they were feelings that I had never felt with a guy before. I could not stop thinking about her and at the time she became my best friend. As time went, she became my girlfriend and we were together for over 2 years and lived together for over 1 year. Not long ago, we split and I was broken hearted but then I found someone else that makes me really happy. My family on the other hand, have no idea of this life that I lead. I am so afraid to tell them because of their religious views. I can see that sign hanging over my head "Disappointment" and "sinner."I always wonder how are they going to find out and when they do, will they accept me? My partner thinks that they already suspect it, but how am I going to tell them and confirm it? Watching this movie, really helped me so much. I can relate so much to Bobby and how he felt. I would like to say thanks to Mary Griffith for giving us all hope. This life is confusing enough, especially living a gay/lesbian life when you are told constantly how wrong it is. But with the help of family and friends, they help you get through it.
Thanks
This movie has helped me so much, am 22, and from a young age i always seem to like blokes more than girls, however i did try to cover it up and live a st8 life, i had girlfriends, but i wasnt happy! am normally mr bubbly, but i got really depressed this year! I couldnt help the way i felt, My minster also spoke against it in church! i mean if it was sin, then why did god make me this way? would he want me to live my life lying to myself and friends? i got in such a work up about relgion and other people i was going to leave notes for my close friends and family and drive my car into a wall @100mph with out a seat belt! its scary when i look back on it how close i would have came! even when i see the part in the movie before bobby did it with his flash backs! it just hits home! I understood how he felt! and watching it i broke down in tears! Its the most emotional film i have ever seen! but it has taught me so much! and the comments left here as taught me so much! i had so many questions about relgion and they have been answerd by the film and posts on here, and for that i want to thank you! i came out to a few close friends and family, it was such a weight lifted of my shoulders! and i think what did i worry about! and recently i have met someone nice! Mum and dad took it well! they said its better you have you hear than in a grave! and said they would love me no matter what! but being relgious they did ask for a cure, and nearly went down the road to making it sould like a brain illness or something! but either way they love me and accepted me if i am! But i would like to print out sum view on here to so mummy! she was so upset at the thought og me not being with her in heaven! and that upset me! But i after reading this and seeing the film my mind is at ease!
Bobby your life story has helped me and so many others!
Thanks you :)
struggling
I watched the movie today, I'm 18 and gay, I've known for 6 years, and I have a mom like Mary in the movie. Shes an extremist of the Seventh Day Adventist faith, her brother, my uncle Rhomas is also homosexual, when he came out to her it destroyed her, she hasn't talked to him in over 30 years. I want to tell her more than anything, but like Bobby i'm afraid my family will lose its closeness. She always used to tell us whenever my uncle came up in conversation, "Kids, if you ever want me dead tell me you're homosexual." As you can imagine as a 13 year old hearing that from his own mother while exploring his sexuality is more than a little unnerving. Throughout 5 of those 6 years I fell in and out of depression and attempted suicide 4 times. My dad is a state cop and has a loaded 9mm above his bed, I pulled the trigger the fourth time, but thank god he had cleaned it that day and never replaced the loaded magazine. I finally came to accept the fact I am who I am and I can't change it and haven't been happier. I recently told my closest friends and my siblings, my brother who I never really got along with accepts me and doesn't look at me any differently, my older sister however said to me, "I would do anything to change you and your choice, everything is a choice and I cry myself to sleep every night now because I'm afraid for your salvation." I don't talk to her much anymore, like my mom and her brother, I plan on showing her this film when she comes home on break hopefully I can open her mind to my lifestyle, I know it isn't a choice. My parents on the other hand will be a difficult obstacle to overcome. My mom suspected it last year and sent me to counseling, the counselor told me that there is nothing wrong with me and they need to accept it. I wish I knew a way to contact Mary Griffith so I could get her advice on how to approach this situation. Anyone know of a way to get a hold of her? Or have any advice of your own? Thanks so much.
Bryce Williams