So, this entire journal is just me spewing my self-induced misery all over the place to complete internet strangers...yeah. First off, my mom is a bitch. Overstatement? I don't think so. She still drags my sister and I to church, so we decided to make some not-so-subtle statements. When everybody else is up and singing and praisin' the lord, we remain sitting, slumping in our chairs and texting nonchalantly. During the sermon we sit there in a daze or pretend to be falling asleep, or we whisper amongst ourselves and giggle. I don't really give a fuck if it's "disrespectful," even though there's nothing there to disrespect, because you know what? I've been disrespected. My mom disrespects my beliefs by dragging me to church. When I'm sitting there, I feel uncomfortable. I feel wrong.
So after the sermon she walks out in a huff of holy anger, my sister asks if she's pissed, and she says no in a way that makes it pretty damn obvious that she is. It's completely unfair that she throws these fucking tantrums because we've strayed from the family tradition of blind faith. She leaves it alone eventually though, and things return to normal. So we go to a nice restaurant, my sister makes a comment about the bread being holey, chuckles because it's a pun (holey, holy, we just got out of church, hahaha), and then my mom snaps, "I'm surprised you'll eat it then, if it's so holy."
She said it in such a bitchy, contemptuous way that I kinda just wanted to smack her in the face. Who the FUCK guilt trips their twelve-year-old daughter for that sort of thing? How fucking immature and insensitive can you be? At this point it feels like there's a subtle battle of wits and wills between my mom and us when it comes to religion. Fucking fuck, it pisses me off. All these fucking stupid snide little remarks that we shoot back and forth when there's not even a real conversation going on about it. And you can't have a logical conversation with a Christian. You just can't. Sorry if you're a Christian, but really.
So, school. I dropped AP U.S History because I don't need it and the teacher holds our hands the whole way and the class is full of immature sophomores. Now I have early release, so I get out of school at one thirty, which is awesome. I still wanna snap at all of the kids in my World Lit class. On Friday some douchefucker threw a shoe across the room while we were watching a really interesting documentary about the Congo, the shittiest country in Africa, because the teacher stepped out of the room for a second. He thought he was so. Fucking. Hilarious. Fuck people. Seriously.
Judd is still an asshole. The only lengthy conversation we've had involved him telling me he has to appear in court for trespassing. He and some of his friends went on some rich asshole doctor's property to get pictures of spirit orbs and the doctor has them caught on camera. So that's another thing to add to his list of criminal activities. I think we're done. Unless he has an epiphany and cools it with the partying, the group is over. I brought up the possibility of bringing back Monday night dinners, but Katie has a job, Haylee shows no interest, and Judd is just...not around.
It's occurred to me how utterly alone I am. In school, there are always people around, but they're just...there. To talk to, to laugh with. At the end of the day, it's just me. Sometimes I feel it, other times I don't. Mostly I just feel empty. I can't return to my counselor because my mom would demand to know why I need her again, we'd have to reopen my case and everything. I don't want to explain anything to her.
I had an extended weekend because today's Labor Day, so I asked Brittany to hang out. It fell through. Of course it fell through, right when I needed her the most. She made it seem promising that we could do something. I texted her when I was free and...she never responded. She left me hanging the entire fucking weekend, keeping my hopes up. She couldn't take five seconds to say, "Sorry, I'm too busy." So a couple minutes ago I asked her if she had time to do anything, and she said no, sorry.
What the fucking fuck. If you knew you were going to be busy and I asked you to hang out, don't fucking say that you can probably do something. Just tell me you're busy so I don't sit around like an idiot waiting for nothing. I kept my entire schedule clear thinking Brittany would randomly be like, "Heya! Wanna come over and cuddle while we watch Dr. Who reruns?" Not really that, but you know what I mean. I could've invited myself to Jayme's and smoked a pack while eating pizza rolls. I could've even reunited with Victoria now that she broke up with her boyfriend, maybe gone to her house and played with her five cats.
But no. Brittany always comes first. I understand that she sucks at planning things, but come on. I think this is the first time in the year that I've known her that I've been genuinely mad at her. The anger faded the instant she apologized and fed me a list of excuses, but still.
I think I just really suck at relationships. Not romantic relationships, though I'm sure I'd suck at those too. Friendships, family, everything else. I just can't get close to people, and when I do it seems to turn into a mess because I'm investing all of my trust and joy into one person. I can't approach any of my friends and say, "I'm feeling kinda down lately, I need your help." I'm so convinced that they'd let me down. I've tried in the past, opening up to people. Most of them would rather talk about themselves. Or they give generic, half-hearted reactions. So I don't talk about myself with other people. I let them talk about themselves because it's just easier that way.
I'm sorry this journal is long and self-pitying and ridiculous. I promise my next one will be more awesome.