I hate my life. Maybe i should just stop going out with girls and just stick to sleeping with them only. Because fuck. I'm either picking the wrong ones or I just have terrible luck when it comes to relationships.
This girl is great. I mean wow. But we're going through a rough patch. And I blame school and work. She's so busy now. Like we dont talk as much. I understand that she cant really help it. And i'm cool with it. But it's putting some strain on our relationship. We've been arguing quite a bit. Like in the last week we've argued about 4 or 5 times. about once every other day. And it's over dumb shit. Her not talking, me not talking. Her falling asleep on me constantly. I dunno. I'm trying to understand what she's dealing with. But because we dont see eachother much I get greedy with her. So when she hangs out with people other than me, or ditches me for her friends, i get upset. I try not to show it. because i know i'm just being stupid.
Yesterday I almost cried in the middle of paying for some shirts I was buying at HT. We had been texting back and forth about where we stand. And I feel that she wants to leave me. Because I've been acting up.
And i hate to fucking think about that. Because in all honesty, i dont want to be done with her. I've got some strong feelings towards her. Like the kind i havent had for someone in years. All I want to do is forget all of this ever happened and just get on with life.
I asked her what I could do to fix things. I told her I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I told her that I'm crazy about her and I want to show her how much she means to me.
She said that there was nothing i could do.
Ouch man. Ouch.
Then last night i asked her if I could call so we could talk.
She said "About? There's nothing to talk about." Then she proceeded to bite my head off.
And I sat there thinking "Maybe i fucked up royally. Maybe she hates me and cant stand me anymore." I hadnt even said anything to make her upset. or annoyed.
I cried last night over it. I mean I'm really scared. I dont want to get hurt again.
She has basically been ignoring me all day today.
I texted her when i woke up this morning. You know, the standard "Good Morning" text with a hint of flattery.
Havent gotten a reply. But maybe I'm just being paranoid. I dunno. I'm not going to text/call her tonight or tomorrow morning. Because I've come to the conclusion that if she wants me around she'll make the first move. Or that maybe she just needs a break from me.
But another thing i'm worried about is my vulnerablity right now. I just want someone to comfort me. I want to feel loved. Which is something Alex isnt providing right now.
So then I go looking elsewhere for it. And then that's when i start to stray. I go looking for someone who can show me that they care. And I'm not sure where that will lead me.
I'm already starting to do it. I'm actually going to call Ellea, my ex, when i get home. Just to talk. Because she's practically the only one who can help me feel better right now.