Here's a link to the video Alex made that's the inspiration for this journal. I hope he's okay with me doing this?
Since I've been writing on here I've seen both sides of the gay community, the supportive one that this site seems to be all about, and the nasty side of our community that is the unfortunate sibling of the gay world. I've learned the hard way that this is what our world is like, but I haven't told some things about me because...well...being shit on isn't a fun experience. While many members of the gay community like to make themselves out as above bullying others they can be the biggest bullies of them all.
The reality is that's what my offline life has often been like.
Many of you know what living in fear is all about, for me that's been my life for as long as I can remember.
I have a reading and writing ability that is hard to measure but is somewhere at high school level, but I also have severe learning disabilities. I used to live in one of the worst school districts in my state, and was placed in special ed because they didn't know what to do with me. I don't think I have to explain the stigmas that go with that, do I? Part of why I'm not in the gifted program and home schooled is because of that stigma. Most of it has to do with $$$.
I can do things I don't understand, like when I opened my iPhone last Christmas and knew how to use it without reading any of the instructions. The first phone call I made was to my father after using the world clock to find the best time to call him in Europe. Before that day I'd never used a iPhone. That's happened with other things too. It's freaky but it's just how I am.
I can't tie my shoes, no matter how hard I try. Simple math is Hell to me, but I can picture in my mind things and make them with Legos. I have some really bad vision problems, and wear glasses that correct a problem with depth perception and close up reading. Without them I'm fucked. I've had them broken several times by bullies who didn't like how they looked on me.
I play guitar and bass but can play a cover song to save my life, but I can take those same chords and notes and can play things that I think sound cool. My boyfriend and Austin and I play together and I have this thing I call "letting go" where I close my eyes and let my hands and fingers work on their own. I'm not sure that it'll ever go outside of my basement, but it's fun for us.
I'm sure some of you reading this will enjoy another opportunity to tear me apart, but don't worry that's nothing new. I expect that.
My father and I share a problem where we go through puberty in a very short time. I'm now at my adult height and probably won't ever have underarm hair or have a real need to shave. That's okay to me, I won't turn into a ape (bear). I had a real scare because my heart wasn't growing as fast as my body, and kids have died from that. It's a real miracle I was even born, but I know I'm here for a reason...
To help others.
In real life I have to be sedated to go anywhere because I get so terrified from the non stop bullying I have been given that it makes it impossible for me to function otherwise. The good news is I'm going through intense therapy right now that's using my sudden growth to improve some of the problems I have. My Dad left a really good life in Europe to take custody of me because he went through the same thing as a kid at the same age. He's now...well...
As normal as he can be.
Some of you may have noticed that my writing style has changed since I first wrote on here, and that I talk about my spiritual values quite a bit? My Dad told me that my brain is changing from going through puberty and that my thought processes are adapting from all the new brain connections.
I know I'm different but to me I just see myself as Sam. I know I have problems but I do the best I can and make the most of the gifts God handed me. I struggle sometimes with shit all of you probably never think about, but that's how it is for me.
The only reason I was allowed to continue to write on here was that I carefully disguised myself, and for my safety I can't ever say where I live. Yeah, I know some of you will shit on me for writing that, but you would understand if you walked a mile in my shoes.
Well, I don't think some of you would understand even if you walked around the Earth 100 times in my shoes.
But that's fine with me.
Our world is fully of nasty and ignorant people, and you can't can't change the world.
You CAN open up the minds of others, one person at a time.
Someday I think I'll be able to be more open about things, but for now I need to make do with what I have. This is my way of making a difference, hiding in plain sight. I think others have done the same thing here too.
Oasis is my sanctuary in many ways, my outlet to talk about things that I can't really say literally because of my speech difficulties. If you go on YouTube and look at the videos of other kids with my problems you'll see how badly they are treated from the comments people make.
Would you come out publicly knowing you'd be treated like that?
I admire those who post videos of themselves, coming out and placing themselves in the firing squad of public hate, I'm just not there yet.
So to Jeff, Hell On Wheels, and Alex especially, and to everyone else as well:
Thank you for being there. Thank you for being a hero to me.
Someday I'll be doing what you do for others, but I just need the right time to come.
By the way, I'm not going anywhere.
For those who hate me open up a dictionary and look for a word.
It can be found in the C section...
I dare you to use it's meaning in your daily life.
And someday I'll tie my shoes, I know I will.