but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What's so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated
What's so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
Deconstructing. At the party, the girl asked, "how long have you and your girlfriend been dating" and I said, "We're not together, and 3 years". In the same sentence. And I can't help but feel like puking. The simple use of the personal pronoun, 'your girlfriend'; the way that my intoxicated mind couldn't separate the use of my properly tensed verbs because I didn't say, 'it was 3 years'.
He comes out of the bathroom, "I heard that whole awkward conversation".
"it wasn't awkward...I didn't think it was awkward". And it wasn't. Because I didn't falter. Honestly, I am ok talking about it and people don't get that yet. He kept checking up on me although I never gave any signs I was not alright. I love him as my friend. It was a fun night even if she was there and didn't talk to me that much. I wasn't sad.
The look that people have when I answer them with, "3 years," Because it sounds like a long time. Because it is a long time. But in perspective I tell myself it is no time at all. I hate that look people give me, because their face falls and I can tell that something bad happened.
Janelle asked, "are you going to the party in august? is that weird? or?"
Of course I'll go, maybe. It's not weird. Why would it be weird? Don't be careful around me. I hate when people are careful approaching the subject. Like their voice gets lighter. And they look at me sideways. I hate it. I can tell that something bad happened and I am just trying to tell myself it was not that bad.
I am two face. I am so great in the day and so bad at night. The whole week. More than a week. Things are crazy. Like I'm trying to guess what she is thinking or feeling if any of it is about me and then I realize what I'm doing and I say, "Nothing is for you". Nothing is about me. The more I come to realize this the easier it will be because for some reason I am still searching for something. Guessing will only drive you crazy, kid. I'm trying to be ok. All I want to do though is ask her or something or tell her that I am trying to grasp at everything that has happened and I understand and that I am not in love with you but that I miss everything we had. That I miss being loved. But I know I am being strong when I don't and I will be ok. I will be ok. This sudden wave will pass and I will thank myself for not saying anything. And for not telling any of my friends that this is bothering me. It's been 6 months. Half a year. And all of a sudden it is hitting me again.
It's like when I ask people, "How long have you been together?" I am gauging their relationship by their length. I am not trying to compare it to ours but I do unconsciously.
I am telling myself she is over it. Because she is. And she doesn't care. And we are friends but she doesn't care that much about hanging out with me. And that is probably good for me and I need to be on my way to being ok by not wishing for anything or hoping for any sort of sign because you know I am one to look for signs. She doesn't feel anything. I am looking for nothing. Once I move I know everything will be ok again. Once I can have my own place and live on my own and do my own things away from my parents, I will feel a lot better. I know that's what I need right now. I am so excited for that.
I just need to stop caring, again. The whole tail end of it I was just sort of pathetic and wishing she would care. But she didn't. And I am so tired of giving her anything. I am so tired of giving and not getting anything in return. And now as her friend I am almost doing the same thing again. And I told myself yesterday after she cancelled our plans to hang out, "I need to stop doing this". Eventually you realize people aren't worth your time or effort. It's not good for me. It just makes me messy. And now I am done with it. I don't want to try anymore for her. I gave her all that I had.
I know I will find someone some day who will appreciate everything I have to give. Eventually. For now, I am working on being ok...again. I'm not sure where this past week these emotions have come from. But I can do this again. The worst already happened. Come at me bro.