I fished dry.
I am starting to understand myself internally and come to terms with many things I've been pushing away. I am seeing the effects of things and their results. My endless energy is a result of the lack of emotion invested in something. A relationship can be draining. I have had so much energy the past couple of months that I have no idea where it came from. For me, emotions and energy are very closely intertwined. I love so passionately it effected my mental state because that's where all of my energy was focused. This is probably true for most people on a certain level but for me I feel like it is moreso. I'm happy for this energy to do new things to improve myself.
I am obsessed with my weight. I have lost a lot of weight and it's noticeable and I'm excited because I can wear clothes of smaller sizes and I feel comfortable. I have always been self conscious about myself. After cutting my hair I felt 100% better. I liked myself for once and I felt so comfortable in my skin and I liked getting ready for the day and not having to deal with my awkward long hair and what to do with it. And now I'm going to start working out and hopefully lose more weight. I am not fat but I have never been skinny.
I am someone who is overly critical of myself in every aspect of life. Weight has never been an exception. I don't care too much about other people's weights or take not of it but for myself I have always been aware of my own flaws and been extremely harsh. Yes, I've lost a lot of weight, but every night before I go to bed I look at myself and see my flaws and every area of improvement. I will always be improving. There is never perfection. For awhile I was afraid I would slowly stop eating completely because of my obsession, but I feel like I'm at a healthy level now where I can safely criticize myself and take appropriate healthy actions, like working out. The past couple months the only thing I would do is stop eating. Stop eating or eat little, eat the wrong kinds of foods. I have a shitty diet. I feel good about myself but I want to feel great. I want to be fit and slim. I want to be handsome.
Emotionally I am viewing some of the impulsive actions I took the past couple of months. I am so happy I cut my hair, but at the same time I feel like it was a piece of my native american heritage, like a symbol of it, that I can't replace. I was never heavy into my heritage but I want to be. I love it. It's like that was my only connection. I love seeing Native American boys with long hair. I think it's pretty. As a girl it is doubly strange to have cut it. I feel like there are ways I've been trying to make up for it. I have a lot of things I put up that remind me of my culture. It's nice.
I'm feeling artistic. I'm getting ideas frequently. It's nice. You know what they say about renaissance periods in history? They occur at times of peace between wars in countries. I'm in a personal renaissance right now. I have become involved with music once again. The past couple years I have not been too big on music or researching it or listening to it a lot (besides the radio the past couple months, but that doesn't really count because it's random and I put no effort into listening). Recently I've gotten into trance and more electronic stuff. The past week I became obsessed with the band "ratatat". I sleep with it on, shower with it on, drive with it on, come home from work and put it on, all the time. I love it. I love ambient music. I'm getting into that and more electronic music related to it. It's so amazing and I'm falling in love with this genre of music. I haven't been this close to music since 4 years ago when I first fell in love with Tegan and Sara. It feels so great. It's a form of expression and god knows I've needed some sort of outlet to express my energy and the things I'm feeling.
Which reminds me, I don't feel much of anything. I'm at a pretty neutral to low level of emotions. I guess I have energy but I don't feel too strongly about any one thing or person at the moment, and that's nice. It's like I'm in homeostasis and I've reached a settling moment in my life. The personal renaissance. I checked out some books today from the library. I'm going to start reading the books on my very long list. I haven't read anything in a couple months and it feels good to have something to look forward to with a couple of novels tucked under my belt.
I'm buying my first car tomorrow. I'm excited.
I have officially accepted my admission to the college I will be attending this Fall.
I will be moving in August most likely. I am not worried about the transfer with my job because it should be easy and go rather smoothly-something I have been stressing about.
It's like the first couple bad months flooded out of my pores in waves of tears and energy and emotion and all the bad has dispersed. It has left this person that I am rediscovering and redefining but building on top of the foundation of who I am. I have always had a solid foundation. If my heart was full of liquid that represented my depression, I would say it had flooded my being and then evaporated. The only thing leaving my body and brain are good sound waves of artistic inspiration and interest in such things. I feel as light as a feather.
I want to finish learning the guitar.
I want to read the rest of everything on my book list.
The rest of my life is about to begin the next couple of months.
I have gotten past one of the most difficult parts of my life with little difficulty but god it feels good to be done with it. I am healed. The rest is history.
The rest is history and I am about to write my future with nothing but good vibes guiding my hands. And I say, "Good job, kiddo. I knew you could do it".