To me writing on here is like sticking your toe in the water to see how warm it is, except that Oasis is how I'm testing the water for coming out.
My toe wasn't sure about the water.
I don't see any reason to come out. At least not anytime soon.
I don't know if I even need to? Being gay seems to run in my family, just like the eye color we all share. My great-uncle is gay, so are two of my uncles. I know my Dad is because I read about it in his diary, which filled me in on the fact that the best friend his lives with in Europe is gay too. I've always been told they're old friends who are "room mates". Part of me is pissed that I was lied to, but the other part understands.
His diary told I'm alive today because he thought having sex with a girl would make him straight, which he wanted so desperately to be. The entry he wrote on the day I was born told me how scared and confused he was, just like I am now:
"What the fuck am I going to do now?"
That diary opened up the door to a room I walked into and now wish I could walk right back out of, lock the door, and throw the room away! I've been told since I was a little kid that things happen for a reason, now that's haunting me. I was planning on scanning the diary and giving my Dad a copy this summer, writing him a note on the last page, something like "Dad, I'm gay just like you!" Now I don't feel right doing that.
If I come out to him I don't know if he'll come out to me? Does he even need to? If I tell my Grandma first am I betraying him? Or does she know already and is waiting on me to make the first move? Or is this going to come as a total shock? If I come out how will that affect Matthew? If my Boy Scout Troop finds out while I be kicked out? Will my friends want me on their baseball team? How will I be treated in church?
I need your help and advice, and I hope you'll be willing to give it to me?