woah woah woah woah
i can't take it.
Things are good. I feel mellow tonight. I feel like writing.
And it's the moment I realized I can relate and understand the other half of all the tegan and sara songs.
I realized I will hate the snow. The sound of silence and the feel of darkness and cold. How it will always remind me of my feelings and emotions of that time when things started going down. I can feel what I felt then when I think of snow! I don't know if I can even do that when I try to think of the time itself. It's associated with snow now. It'll go away eventually after I see snow again and everything, but I just realized that for awhile it will just be that: sadness.
I'm content. I'm better than okay right now. I'm anxious though, sometimes.
I need to meet people. Everyone has that little fear inside them after a break up of, "would if I never meet someone again, or it never feels the same?" And, logically, I think, I will meet someone eventually and must. But emotionally, I feel that tiny fear. I feel it. I'm scared. It is natural. But it makes me anxious.
I also feel that feeling of abandonment. Inadequacy. Like I wasn't good enough, because let's face it, I wasn't and that's why things didn't work out. I was good, but not enough to stay with. If you fall out of love with someone it's not that person's fault. But if you are the one who got fallen out of love with, it certainly feels like you could've done something. Who knows. I don't deal in what if's. Would if's.
Tiny fears. Realizing that the 3 years I invested kind of came down to nothing because now I have to build with someone else somewhere at some point. Ok. That's ok. But at the same time....it's such a process. It's so beautiful, but it's so scary. I have to relearn everything. Everything about a person, remake things. Like sex. Remake how you perform sex. Like, the first time you have sex with someone new you have no idea what the hell will happen or if it will be ok or awkward or funny or anything.
How can I do that? I am such a private person. I am so shy. How can I invest so much time and effort and feeling, fucking all my feeling, my feeling is everything to me, into someone to have them up and leave whenever they want? How can I ever do that? I don't want to. My relationships with people, people I actually like and care about, it's taken me years to build. I've had the same group of friends for a long time. That doesn't mean I can't make friends. I have other friends...but it's different. It's fleeting. People are fleeting to me. If I make an effort to engage with someone and plan things with them, it means I really like them.
The fear that so close to the end I understood the meaning behind the term, "your other half" because that's exactly what I felt. And how scary is it to think that maybe next time will be worse? Maybe next time I'll actually be happy when it happens and it'll tear me up and leave me broken. Not like this, but worse. What happened to me is nothing. I can build with someone else one day and then have it happen again. It can all be torn down back to scratch. But everyone goes through that. But I don't want to. I don't like that. Can't things just be ok after so few tries? I don't like trial and error, I never have. There must be a process or a way to avoid these things. I'm logical. Procedures. If anyone could find a way, it would be me. But I know it's not really scratch each time. I know that each time you come out better, stronger, different. Because after each time you build with someone and it ends, you end up building up yourself.
A love song is a love song. I was looking in the mirror when I heard everlong come on the radio and my irises never expanded.
Sometimes you can try to hide things from yourself if you feel guilty about feeling a certain way about some things. But I think you always know.
You can't hide physical reactions to feelings. I know myself too well.
I heard it start playing.
And my irises didn't expand. Or contract. And I felt nothing. And I knew I felt nothing. And I realized I felt nothing. And then my irises expanded. My brain said, "Hey, cool, you stopped caring for real." And I said, "I know."