Thanks for the feedback on my last entry, my Dad and Grandma and I are still figuring things out about my summer visit with so so I'll keep everyone posted. Your support/feedback has been huge for me!

This time around I want to write about feelings I have and things I'm attracted to that are confusing the shit out of me...this is stuff I lose sleep over.

The first one is my thing about looking at guys armpits...I just don't get that? I don't ever think about touching/licking/smelling them, just looking. I have a really bad habit of trying to look up my friends sleeves, and damn in the summer..shirtless/muscles shirts/tank tops...yeah. Do I have some weird fetish thing or is it just seeing skin that usually covered up?

Austin sleeps over all the time, sometimes even on school nights, so we share a bed : ) We always sleep shirtless so I get plenty of VISUAL STIMULATION and most of the time a boner to go with that...but I just look? It's not that I'm afraid to do anything, I just don't want to...but looking is very exciting for me!

The second attraction I have is a bit different and just as confusing to me.

I'm a fat kid, I'm not going to deny it, and I'm really turned on my other fat kids. The older kid I have the online thing with is bigger than me but shorter and damn he just so flocking hot...I have a couple of pictures of him that I...well...use like porn : ) He's wearing clothes in the pictures but if I saw him in shorts...or less...I think I'd wear my dick out!

I've been in gay chat rooms a bunch of times, usually not for long before I get ejected for being too young, but I've managed to talk to other gays about liking other fat guys. The same thing happens every time.

"Oh so you're into bears?"

Bears if you don't know are super hairy older guys that are usually fat, bald, and have lots of hair everywhere. I call them apes, not bears.

All I can think/say/feel is....

EWWWWWW GROSS!!!!!!

You can't possibly think I would be attracted to someone that looks like my grandfather!!! WTF!!!

But go into a gay chat room and that's what you supposed to be into if you say you like chubby or fat guys. Its ALL your supposed to be into.

In chat rooms I've had apes tell me about how great the ape community is, how accepting they are, even been given links to web sites about apes. One site was all about how great it is that younger and older apes are having sex together.

I've been sent pics and when I told the sender I though they were gross and made me want to puke he went off on me, then sent me a virus. That made me feel REAL open and accepting of the ape community!!!

About every other time I go to the mall I get hit on by the apes that sit around looking for guys, I especially get it in the restrooms that I use only when I really have too...I've even been in a stall and had a iPhone's back side come under the stall...wouldn't be surprised if there's a video out there somewhere of me pissing. All I want to do is GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!

The most disgusting thing is when apes ask me if I want to go and have "fun" with them...This year it's happened twice, once a ape offered to buy me whatever I wanted from the food court to go back to his car with him (I ate $10 of Chinese and set a world record getting out of there), the second time I was offered $50 to go into the changing room at a real expensive store with him...

I pointed to a cop that was sitting on a bench and told him I'd have to ask my Dad.

He disappeared. I wonder why?

Fat people in movies and tv are almost always in roles where they're idiots or stupid, and I guess fat people are supposed to be desperate when it comes to relationships and sex and stuff and we're supposed to be easy, and yes I'm desperate for sex and horny 24/7 and want to suck a cock and get one up my butt...

But no fucking way would I do ANYTHING with a ape!!!! YECK!!!!

After watching "Bear Nation" I learned the ape community got started by guys that didn't fit the gay image (super skinny and smooth) and needed a place to feel comfortable. They made their own little world, have their own rules and terms and labels (otters...seriously????), and make themselves out as accepting and open. In the movie it was hinted that they are not exactly like that, in my opinion anyway.

Go ahead, tell them you don't like all the hair.

Then they'll shit all over you.

As a fat kid I'm scared this is my future, only having apes show any interest in me (gross!!) and the only way I can have a connection to other gays is hanging out with apes. There has to be another option for me?

But I'm still attracted to fat guys, not that I don't notice regular ones, but fat guys get me EXCITED!

I just wish I knew why?

Please help me here!

Sam