So, I'm freaking out. In English class, later this week, we have to write a poem AND read it to the class. I've never really been good at poetry. I can write you a shitty story on anything under the sun, but poetry completely stumps me every time. That isn't even the part I'm scared of, though. I am freaking out over the whole reading it aloud thing.
I've already totally had my public speaking confidence shattered recently. I had to read a report in another class, and I thought I was ready but when I go to the front of the room, I just devolved into some sort of shaky, squeaky mess, right in front of the hottest senior girl too. It was horrible.
I even caught myself doing this nervous habit that irritates the hell out of my friends. Sometimes when I get really nervous, my voice does this thing with this weird inflection, and I end up sounding like... Like, every sentence is, like, um, a question? Like, I'm like, a valley girl asking a series of questions, even though I am not, and this is, umm, a serious presentation? Yeah, I was doing that. I could tell. It was so freaking humiliating.
So... I haven't done much lately. I had an awful dream recently, though. I was at school, and I felt so off and unsettled. Something was horrifically wrong, but I couldn't place it. Some friends walked me to French class, even though I don't take that anymore, and FCG was in there. She saw I was upset and held my hand, and then the teacher started saying all these things that didn't make any sense. I started feeling off again, and then she started insisting I loved FCG, and I kept denying it. But she just said the same thing over and over and over, and I started having a panic attack. FCG took me out into the hall and hugged me and kissed me and then just vanished.
She always randomly shows up in my dreams, even though I try never to think about her anymore. It bothers me. I focus on all this stuff like fandoms and drawing and taking pictures of cats so that I won't think about her, and it works, but then she just goes and shows up in my dreams anyway. Get out of my brain, bitch, I haven't talked to you in months, and the more angsty dreams I have over you means less time for me to have awesome dreams about taking over the world or marrying all the chicks on my hot actresses list.
I'm trying to go back to normal, but I can't even remember what that IS.
I'm really dreading school tomorrow. It's so sad there. It's so hard not to just get up and leave. The only class I ever look forward to is English, and I don't even look forward to that right now because I'm stressing over that poetry assignment. I only have a few days to throw something together. I wish my English teacher would read mine for me. She has a nice, calming public speaking voice, not a... well, whatever the hell my voice does.