I've started to notice that I'm not so much "bisexual" as "lesbian, straight, lesbian, straight..." Some days I feel zero attraction to the opposite sex, to the point where I feel creeped out even thinking about them. Then the next day I'm completely in love with the idea of a handsome prince and I think that "maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm straight and it was just a phase," which leads to "Dear GOD what have I done? I can't believe that I said I was QUEER!"
The problem is, as hard as I try to remember that I am in fact bisexual, I get terrible anxiety over the issue. I've kept a journal about all of my feelings to read later, etc, but when I feel lesbian I get afraid that my friends will think I'm nuts because of all those crushes on boys, and when I feel straight I'm afraid that my parents won't believe that I switched back or they'll think I just wanted attention.
The worst part is that that makes me think I really DID just want attention, and suddenly I feel like a fake and have to go lock myself in the bathroom and remind myself to BREATHE, YOU IDIOT!
God it's been a rollercoaster! I've started to track my transitions mentally and it looks like clockwork. Like, one day I'm lesbian, then I'm mixed or slightly asexual, then I'm straight, then mixed, then lesbian. What the hell is happening to me?!
On rare days of clarity like this one I start to worry about my future (nuts for someone so young, I know). What if I never settle into bi, lesbian or straight, and can never be happy with one person of one gender? That's kind of a scary thought.
Then again, these days most of my thoughts are scary.