I'm writing this because I have therapy tomorrow and I never remember what I need to tell my therapist and so I figure if I write this down and if it comes out as an accurate representation of what's in my head (rather than a ball of confusion), then I'll print it and bring a copy with me to therapy. Somehow I feel as though I can write more and dedicate myself more for journals on here more than something I necessarily just physically write down with paper and pen. Maybe I'll write a different version of this for myself, type it into a document, but I'm going to do this for now. Its comforting knowing full well that others will read this. It makes me feel like my voice is heard.

Okay, on to the actual journal-ly part....
So recently I've been having a lot of trouble with gender. In some ways, I feel as though I've sort of become okay with it. But in other senses, I have been in constant battle with my gender identity. And other battles too, but I'll address them one at a time. I have been feeling like it may be more necessary (?) for me to get a binder. But I can't/haven't been able to get one. I've started layering which doesn't really help me all that much. Plus, its nearing summer and I don't want to die of heat stroke.

My chest bothers me and I just want it to be flat. I've been trying to wear clothes that don't bring out the shape of my chest but its hard to do that when most of my clothes have come from the junior's section (the female section) of the store and so they're skimpy pieces of nothingness...clothes that leave nothing up to the imagination. Part of the shopping I did when I thought I wanted to be hyperfeminine...wearing pink and lots of really open-neck shirts which were really tight-fitting. (Oh, maybe I could use this as a base layer now...if its tight-fitting it could work as a make-shift binder for layering...hmm...I'll have to try that...) Anyway, that hyperfeminine phase also had a ton to do with image, I think. I don't talk about this because I don't feel like its true much anymore, but I used to be one of those super skinny people that had practically zero fat on their body. And, I don't know, I guess that had to do with image and so I wanted my clothes to hug my body? I dunno. Its hard to explain/figure this stuff out.

So most of my short-sleeve shirts are these very tight-fitting shirts. And its not the fact that they're "girls' clothes" that make me uncomfortable. What makes me uncomfortable about them is the fact that when I wear them, and look down at my body or look at myself in a mirror, I feel weird. Like a fraud. I'm not a dancer, I'm not even that attractive. I don't feel like I can be one of the girls because I don't know how. This stuff makes me judge myself. A lot.

Now its the same (or similar), except it also impacts my stupid idea of body image, which again, is something I don't talk to people about because no one would understand it.

So with all of that in mind, I've felt like I can't be a boy when I'm working with clothes that just scream "teenage girl." The shape of my body makes me uncomfortable and I don't like others (or myself, for that matter) to see it. So roomy clothes work best. For me, the less skin that's exposed on my body, the better.

Anyway, I've wanted a binder.

I've also thought about hormones. I don't want any of the changes, to be honest, except for two....a more distinctive Adam's apple and to stop my stupid girlweek stuffs. I know hormones don't work that way, though...you can't just pick what effects you do and don't want for yourself.

I don't really care about gender therapy. Sure, sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to about all this, but more often than not, its too hard for me to discuss. Avoiding it feels better sometimes.

Surgery, not so much...I don't want it. Sometimes I watch transguys on YouTube and get envious as they talk about their surgeons polite utmost patient care, knowing of their chest dysphoria and about their post-op chests, but I don't think I'd actually ever really want it for myself. But I just feel like a boy.

I've also thought about coming out. I don't feel ready at all, but in some ways, I feel like I *should* be ready, that I *should* be doing this, handling my gender identity in a certain manner.

Outside of gender-y things, there're other things on my mind...not surprising. I've been in really poor mental health recently, another reason I keep coming and going on this site and never stick around. I get overly-sensitive about stuff like when no one comments on my journals, when people say stuff that hurts me in comments, the fact that I feel like I know no one. All of it. Plus I just don't feel like I'm as reliable as a person as I usually am. Its just all hitting me outta whack.

Started getting accommodations at school again for my disability and so I've been seeing my disability coach and we go over changes every time we meet and see if there's anything else that we can change to make it better.

I saw my psychiatrist and she said that she doesn't want to switch my meds because what I'm on now is supposed to be a good combo to fight OCD...my OCD has not lessened whatsoever. The sad thing I've started to hear professionals say to me is the fact that, more than likely, a lot of what I'm fighting are things that I will probably face the rest of my life, such as self-injury thoughts and urges and suicidal thoughts/urges/ideas. Its terrible and I physically hurt when I hear that. I don't know what to really expect, I guess.

This summer I'm hoping to take some courses at school. And I'm probably going to get a job. Which I need so I could have money and be more independent and hopefully eventually move out. But at the same time, I'm really hesitant about the whole job thing. One of the biggest reasons is because of the fact that with my mental health in the dumps as it is and continues to be, I don't know how much to take on, partly because in the back of my mind I've been wondering about going to the hospital. So I don't know how mentally fit I am to have responsibilities, as immature as that may sound.

I guess that's about all there is to say right now.

There is one other thing that I'm working at but its not necessarily the best? I dunno. Okay, so I know I'm not overweight. I don't think of myself as fat or overweight or anything of the sort. I'm not trying to change my body that much, but there are two things that I sort of want to accomplish...(1) I want to get below a certain number of pounds, and (2) have a flat stomach. I'm ashamed because I am so critical of how the media forces us into thinking that perfection, in terms of beauty, means skinny skinny skinny. So I probably am not doing the healthiest thing out there, but I mean, I'm only trying to lose a few pounds so I don't know if that's okay?

Anyway, I should get back to doing homework before I spill out the rest of what's on my mind.

~Eli.