(I'm going to nickname my therapist Nyq just so I can keep things confidential but I dont have to keep writing "my therapist" every time I want to refer to her).
Please note that this has taken a lot of courage to put this up. I dont really know that I want to or feel okay doing this, but I know I need to.
So without further beating around the bush, here goes....
So I want to talk to you about a lot of the gender stuff that I'm going through, but before I start, I want to let you know of a few things, just in hopes of maintaining a safe environment for me to talk about this. I get highly triggered when anyone (me or those I'm talking to) uses the actual names of body parts, medical terms for stuff a girl goes through, and any talk of female parts. I know this may sound obsessive, maybe even excessive, but it is important that I say this because otherwise it can have strong negative effects on me.
The other thing I want to say is that I've never really said much of any of this stuff out loud before to anyone, so I'm scared to do this. I don't feel comfortable doing this. I don't even really want to do this. So just know that this is not something I'm used to talking about. I get nervous, smile a ton, nervous clearing of my throat, nervous laughter. I won't make much (if any) eye contact, etc. And above all, by no means am I proud of this. Rather, I am embarrassed and ashamed for what I will be telling you.
My gender really confuses me, often. That's nothing new, really. But there's some issues that are a part of the package when talking about my discomfort with my assigned gender, my body, etc. I don't know why I'm telling you this but its important enough for me to work on doing this even though I have no desire to let anyone know any of this.
The awful thing that biologically happens to girls every month takes a toll on me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I'm not saying that I have it worse or that anyone else has an easier time dealing with this. But I just want to point out the intensity of my feelings. Every month as I know the stupid thing is approaching, I get scared. I get scared because I don't know when it will happen. Scared that I'll show or something. I start layering like crazy. Maybe in hopes that it will go away or some such thing. I get so nervous about this. I don't talk to anyone about any of it.
And while its happening, I become suicidal. Yes, I know, I'm suicidal practically all of the time. But this in itself makes me very uncomfortable, so much so that it pushes me to think of suicide.
Sometimes, when I have time to think to myself and my mind begins to wander in dangerous directions, I start thinking about all this. And I think about how many more times in my life I'll have to go through that stupid cycle and how even after that there's just more fun surprises awaiting me. Thinking of how many more cycles I have makes me consider suicide. I don't want to experience this now or next month or the month after that. So I don't know how I'll tolerate years and years of this thing.
I've been through it enough, given it several years to try and win me over. Its done nothing of the sort.
I don't know what the next step is. I don't like talking to doctors in the first place, let alone talk about this stuff to anyone (INCLUDING doctors). So I can't go looking for a doctor for all this stuff. Because I can't handle people touching me or looking at me or talking about any part of my physical body. Even when people look at me with clothes on, I get scared. I don't want people to notice anything about me physically. I don't want to look "pretty" or whatever family uses to try and compliment me. They don't know I'm a boy so to them, this is okay, to call me pretty. That's okay(ish) with me. That is something I'm willing to settle on. (You have to pick your battles, right?)
So let's push past the doctors thing and assume I go to one of *those* kinds of doctors. Two issues...(1) they see girl patients. I don't know if any around my area treat people like me. Second, if I really want this whole cycle thing to slow down or whatever, I have a feeling they'd suggest birth control. This is wrong for me in so many ways. (1) I'm not a girl, (2) I don't really ever want to have any physical intimacy with anyone whatsoever.
I had so much more that I needed to say but can't remember.