Hey y'all, Christian here writing my first of what I hope will be many journal entries on this fine site!

I'm quite a bit like many of you on here and from what I've read y'all come from a diverse group: We have GLBT's of all walks of life and ages, and at 22 I'm probably in the average age group of the contributors on here. I've read entries from our kind that don't feel like they belong anywhere but here, and I'm going to be another face in that crowd.

Although I doubt any of you would even think I'm gay.

Let me explain...and this won't be the first time I've had to do this. Probably won't be the last time either.

My favorite music is heavy metal and grunge, and some of my earliest memories are seeing Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden videos on MTV, when the "M" stood for MUSIC not mind numbing reality shows. Iron Maiden was my first concert, and I've been to at least 70 concerts. I was smart enough to wear earplugs so I'm not halfway deaf now!!! Metal Evolution is probably the best thing I've seen on tv in a long time!

My second love is sports, wrestling since I was six all the way through high school, baseball since I was 7 through my final days of Little League. The reason I quit baseball is kind of hard for me to discuss, but I'm sure at some point I will. I'm still a fan(atic) of the game. I've been weight training since I was 12 and I'll never quit that. Once you get a love for pumping iron you never lose it.

My third love is beer, something that for some reason turns most GLBT's stomachs, which I don't understand? My Dad is a craft brewer on the side and raised me to have an appreciation of the beverage, something my guzzling (straight) peers haven't quite discovered yet. Going to sports bars and eating wings washed down with a Belgian wheat ale while watching the game is one of my favorite activities but most of you would just say "Uggh!" or "Gross!" to that...am I right here or what?

The thing I love to do the most is an activity many of you also enjoy...and for some reason it's an oxymoron to the other things I enjoy...and I just don't understand why?

I LOVE sucking cock.

In fact I love sucking cock more than anything else. I could easily write a entire journal entry on sucking cock (should I?). Hehe

Yet most gays I've met think I'm a hard up straight guy trying to get action anyway I can! UGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean if a guy gave you three blowjobs in row would you think he's straight? (Yes, I've done this and been told that I sure don't act GAY!!! Granted my Metallica shirt probably didn't help any :) )

I can understand a sense of comfort among gays who like the same things, listen to the same music, talk and act the same way, sure it gives you a security buffer from the rest of the largely homophobic world we live it...but it also isolates you and becomes an exclusive club where anyone who doesn't fit in gets D Listed.

Just like me.

I came out after high school only to go back in the closet because nobody believed me when I told them...except for my classmates who've experienced my cyclonic mouth :) Even my Dad had a hard time with it, and he still does.

When gays like me come out, it's like you have to go through your own personal Inquisition to get any kind of acceptance...and you have a choice:

Be like us or you're against us. Drop that butch (I hate that word) facade and let out you're inner woman that's been trying to claw her way out of you!

Sorry, I don't have a inner woman.

I don't hate effeminate gays by the way...I just wish there was an acceptable way to be openly gay other than...well...being a woman.

But why do I have to apologize for being true to myself?

Gays like me have few role models, with Rob Halford of Judas Priest fame being the only out member of any metal band I'm aware of...and trust me I was in shock when I learned THAT! Coming out is professional suicide for any athlete other than dancers/figure skaters, so why WOULD they come out just to have every aspect of their life nit picked?

One of my boyfriends was a guy I rescued from being "made queer" by a bunch of older gays who were trying to teach him how to walk, talk, and act...you guessed it...like a REAL GAY MAN. We spent some time talking and he told me that I was the first gay guy he had ever known who was "real". I corrected him because I knew there are tons of real guys who happen to be gay, hiding in plain sight.

Later that night I introduced his virgin body to my mouth, and I made his first gay experience an awesome one, far better than his first gay bar encounter. We stayed in touch despite the long distance we lived apart, and much of that was because we could relate so well to each other. I'm the guy he compares all potential boyfriends to, and while that makes me proud it also is saddening, knowing there's not many choices out there.

It was easy enough for me to go back into the closet, but it sure gets lonely in there.

Dammit, all I wanted was a place at the table...

Your table...

The Gay Table.

Think about what I've written, and let me know how you feel :))

Christian \oo/