I'm suuuuper sick. All I can think of this time last year? 2 years ago? That you got this sick and you couldn't sleep and the coughing kept you up all night and your abs were sore from it. And I took care of you and made you tea. And food. And when you couldn't sleep and your coughing woke me up in the middle of the night I would be half asleep doing light fingers on your back and stomach because it was your favorite thing and it made you sleepy. And it calms you down. And you were able to fall back asleep at night. Propped up with pillows because laying down made your lungs worse.
And then I got sick after that and you took care of me. I had that tea you had for colds. I bought it today and it works amazingly and calms my cough. I think overall I really really did love you. I was never worried about being taken care of (though it is nice), I always just wanted to take care of you. And the memory of New Years comes back to me sometimes.
This New Years, at the party with your friends. People were drinking, you were dancing with your friends by the band and I was sitting at a table. Every once in awhile you would come back to me and it made me happy you didn't forget. We were drunk. The time it hit midnight you were hanging around my neck and you gave me a deep kiss and it felt good. We all danced in the room with the speakers when the band left and turned up the music really loud from someone's mp3 player. We all danced. No shoes. Drunk. It felt great.
You got too drunk. I was scared because people get sad when they get that drunk and I knew you were depressed sometimes.
You cried about your godbrother that night with your best friend.
When me and you went to bed you couldn't stop crying. On the floor in a bedroom trying to be warm enough to sleep there. I got any blankets I could find. You were scared of dying. For real. You thought you could die in your sleep and wouldn't be able to say goodbye to everyone and I promised you I would tell everyone that you loved them and that helped a little. I got water for us in the morning. We barely had any blankets, your feet were freezing, they were all night. I took my socks off and put them on your feet. I think I will remember that forever. The imagery of my too big dress socks around your small feet. I love those dress socks.
For some reason you took your pants off because you thought you would be warmer but I don't know if it did. We put my big warm coat I got for christmas-the peacoat- on you and all the blankets on you and I held you hoping we could fall asleep. Your brest friend came in to talk to you because you needed to tell her you loved her in case you died. She comforted you with the things she said. I never knew anyone could be so wise. I laid there helpless trying not to cry myself.
We eventually fell asleep. You were still pretty cold all night. I tried my best.
I feel I know I loved you more than myself. All I ever wanted was to comfort you even at my own cost. Even emotionally. I remember trying to explain that to you the night we broke up on the phone. Crying. Saying I care so much about you I don't care if it hurts me if you're not the same anymore or you can't love back, I would stay anyway to help take care of you. I was taking that risk, I already knew. But you didn't want it. You wanted to be able to do it yourself, to be happy alone. In the end it was your decision, and you let it go. You let me go. I thank you. I would've never done it myself, but now we can grow without each other and meet again at some point, as two whole people. I understand now I was supporting you and a healthy relationship is one where it is give and take. It was just unbalanced.
My love is infinite when it is active. I would never have left you. I always told you. And I didn't. I didn't.