I keep floating through cyberspace, in and out of communities, and so now I'm back on Oasis. For now, at least. I am a hypocrite because it makes me sad when others disappear for a while (but then I'm happy when they return). And I realize I've been doing the same to all of you. Sorry.

So I've been doing the same as always, I guess you could say.

I've been thinking a ton about gender. And on the one hand, I love that because thinking of my gender makes me feel less broken. And at the same time, I can't stand it because it just reminds me of how broken I really am.

I live as a female and don't see any chance of doing otherwise, at least not for a while. I hide my gender from most people, although sometimes, I just tell people because its hard not to. In my Sociology of Gender class, I came out to my professor. And I sort of dropped hints of my being trans*-identified in a Spanish essay of mine where we had to write about who we are as a person. Not sure if that professor picked up on it, though.

I've been layering like crazy, trying to hope it will work to make my chest appear flatter. It doesn't really work. I'm hoping to get a new binder, but I've been saying that for several months now, so I'm not really any closer to getting one.

At school I've started to become more involved with a group that works to fight for equal opportunities and rights for individuals with disabilities. Most of us in the group have a disability of some sort, although none of them are the same ones. There are people with visual impairments, people with TBIs (Traumatic Brain Injuries), me, and then some others, too. I enjoy the group a lot.

On a similar note, I've been seeing a disability coach again and she's really cool. When I go there I'm able to talk about things relating my disability and how it affects me academically. Its really helpful and its given me the chance to decide to talk to my professors about my disability (in brief overview, not detail) and what they can do to help.

I've been visiting with my professors a lot because I need to make that connection for several reasons. One--my teachers are really great mentors, especially two of them who I've sat down to talk to and I come away with so much more than I had when I went in to see them. Second--its provided me with a private opportunity to discuss my academic performance with my teachers. And three--its important for them to know what's going on, at least somewhat, in order for me to not only excel in class, but also to feel comfortable going to class and not feeling like I'm being held back.

Of my four professors, they're all really great. Two of my profs in particular are absolutely amazing and so I've talked with them the most.

My gender has been hard to deal with in ways that I have such a hard time of talking about. I know I need to discuss it more with certain adults in my life, but I need to prepare myself for that. I've been having issues come up in terms of my gender identity, mostly the shame of talking about health issues because it just reminds me that I'm a girl. And unfortunately, this prevents me from talking to people about certain aspects of my health because I'm too ashamed, disgusted, embarrassed to bring it up at all.

I've seen some good movies with trans* characters in them which is amazing, though usually I end up bawling by the end of the movie. The two I saw most recently are actually both about MTFs (male-to-female transsexuals).

My friend is going to jail soon, which really frightens me. But its because he got a DUI and he's gotten them several times before. But this time, it was like way beyond just being slightly over the blood alcohol content limit.

Anyway, there's a lot more that's going on, but I recognize this entry is getting rather lengthy. So I'll stop for now. Chances are that I'll write more later today.

~~Eli.