to get me through this semi-charmed life.
Feeling overall better. Past couple days been a little sad sometimes, not sure why. Everything is going as planned. Got my driving test planned, insurance on my uncles car so I can take my test, been driving his car around. Just feel a little shitty. Emotionally and physically.
I got a super bad cold yesterday! Everything-nose, eyes, throat, cough. Ugh, it sucks.
I've been hoarding and collecting tea. Just been randomly buying a bunch of it and different kinds. Not sure why, it is just kind of spontaneous o_o it's good though. I'm very OCD about my room and things but lately my nightstand and desk is just a clusterfuck of glasses and tea and snacks I buy at work but never end up eating. I have like 5 glasses in here. One for water at night. One for soda/juice when I need something other than water and one for hot tea and one for who knows what. Glasses of tea unfinished. One was too gross to finish. Got one unopened.
The one I bought from the mart by the bremerton ferry where I saw the cute girl with pink hair.
I went to steff's the other night. Got drunk. Everything was ok until she left me to go to sleep and I thought it'd be ok but I ended up texting her and it got a little bad. Not really though, I am completely intelligent when drunk, let me tell you. Me and steff were talking about the intelligence and independence of cats versus dogs and I was shit drunk. Haha. Anyway, it was ok besides the fact that I ended up crying still a lot. I face planted on the wooden floor when I tried to get up and had to crawl toward the bathroom, that was fun. Not sure how I managed to pee but I guess I did o_o Everything was ok.
We haven't really talked the past couple days. When I was drunk she was annoyed with me. Can't make time still even though she said she would. I'm learning to stop caring. I know I keep saying that but for real this time. I took down our favorite picture of us and the postcard and the stupid sticky notes she used to leave me. Everything. I kind of just got rid of stupid shit in my room and I feel a lot better. I washed all of my bedding. My pillowcases that had her mascara stains from the last night she saw me here in my room when she cried a little. I deleted all of her pictures off of my phone. Everything!
It's feeling good.
It's feeling like freedom.
I just want to stop caring. I'm not even attracted to her anymore. I can't even masturbate anymore it sucks cause I have nothing to really go off of....it's a strange feeling.
I guess the main thing that has been holding me back are two things: that irk I get from her not caring about our relationship enough to try to stay connected, even now, and the idea that she might love someone else / start dating someone else. The first one I am working on and I'm pretty much good on. I guess I don't really care what she is doing anymore. I'm trying, at least.
The second one is really hard for me. Sara put it in good perspective: it's the hardest thing because I worked so hard on our relationship and towards the end I just gave everything I had and it did nothing. And to have someone else be able to make her happy / love her just like that would feel like...I don't know. Failure on my part. Even though I didn't do anything wrong.
If you ask me what's one defining trait of me I would say determination. Persistence. You can tell me how successful I am or how well I did on something, but in my heart if I know I could've done better or I feel like I failed, it won't matter who says it. If she started dating someone I just would feel so...much like a failure.
When I was drunk she told me sternly she doesn't want to date anyone at all and she's not looking. But if she was, it would be no one else's business so I don't need to worry about it. I know I don't. But it has barely been two weeks. And she is already over it. She's so over it. She doesn't even love me she doesn't even care after 3 years. Three years. That's over 1200 days. That hurts me the most. That she doesn't even care. I hate her.
I wish it didn't matter and I didn't care. My energy is turning a little into internal bitterness. I probably will always be better than her. I didn't fail. I always wondered before I ever dated someone if I would be good at love. I am a good lover. I'm so loyal. It's a little pathetic.
I know I'll find someone someday and it'll be really good. Someone I deserve who will love me all the right ways. I loved her a lot but it wasn't enough. There was something missing. It might be that thing about us individually we have to improve. Theoretically it could still work later on. I'd probably be too scared though to actually try. Who wouldn't?
Anyway, I don't wish anything bad on her, but she can go suck a dick and I hope she enjoys that. She's selfish. Self-centered. Oblivious. You know why? Because one day I know she'll think about how good I was. I think people probably do that. Part of me is doing this out of spite, and if it gets me there, I'm ok with that because that spite will fade away. But spite is fueling me partially. I want her to regret it. I want her to realize how good I am. For now this is good for us I know, but I mean later on I want her to look at me again and see how much of a better person I am after this. And I won't care about her.
I don't need to.
No one will love her like I did. My love is infinite when it's active. My touch has feelings. I did so much for her. I'm done with it.
The night I got drunk I fell asleep saying, "that fucking bitch, that fucking bitch". She kinda is a bitch, too.