Only you, only you, you know. And I feel "Drops in the river" by Fleet foxes will come to define this time in my life.
I am consistently doing better. I am feeling optimistic. I am past the initial sadness. I feel this will be better, not just know. That's what I'm glad about. We didn't talk all weekend, she was busy, but she called me monday afternoon and we chatted for awhile.
She called cause we hadn't talked all weekend. That was nice. She never does that. I felt more normal than ever. I'm not sure what "normal" means to me anymore. It's all changing!
I'm going to the DMV tomorrow to schedule my driving test. Thursday I am getting my hair cut most likely. My friend sara is coming up for a day from Seattle to hang out. She is one of my friends besides Emily who has been encouraging me to do it. I have always had long hair. I always wear it back in a pony tail and never do anything with it, I hate it, I want to like my hair. And I've always wanted to cut it and have it short. I'm going to talk / consult with the stylist and see what they think (while Sara is with me) and we'll see what I end up doing. I might not do it if I chicken out, but I really want to. I need to do this. I need to feel good about myself. And I want it taken before I get my license if everything goes as planned!
I talked with her a little bit about my hair, I didn't tell her I am actually getting it done much less scheduled an appointment already. I haven't told anyone, really. Been debating a lot. Emily and Sara have really gotten me through this, they both think it'll look good on me. I really have nothing to lose anyway, hair grows back! As Emily said, "You need to! New life, new hair!"
The music I usually listen to just hypes me up. Makes me feel a little crazy lately. I submitted a little paragraph on 'emotional baggage' a website where you can unload what's bothering you and people send you a little note with a song hoping to cheer you up. I got like 5 emails back with some good songs, most I already know. But "Drops in the River" by fleet foxes I had never heard, it fit well. Made me cry. But now I see it is good. I now have 3 fleet foxes albums. And I started listening to all of the Iron and Wine albums I had downloaded previously for her, Shelby. See, I can say her name now. This music calms me down. I've been thinking a lot, meditating. I'm doing better. I feel comfortable.
I know it'll be ok. I can know a lot of things, but now I feel it will be ok. I feel it. She sent me the song "Wolf and I" by Oh land. On tumblr: "You are the wolf and I am the moon". We are building our lives separately. I know we can come back. We are so deep. But for now it won't be like that. And if it doesn't happen then it won't. I am learning to worry about now and not later. Stop stressing about the future. Step by step.
January, you can suck my dick.
February here I come: driving test, license, new haircut, getting things on track, hoping to buy a car, do my taxes, fill out my fasfa.
For now I am excited about myself.
I am excited.