There are a plethora of reasons why I do not drive. However, being legally able to drive and deciding not to do so, people see my decision as one made out of laziness or apathy. Neither of which is true.

The decision for me not to drive was one I made consciously, not at the spur of a moment, nor under the influence of anything or anyone. Independently, I arrived at my decision.

To start, I never felt the eagerness to learn to drive, even as I neared the legal age to get a permit and ultimately, a license. I studied and got my permit more so my family would stop nagging me about it because they did not (and still do not) understand my decision. I successfully got a permit and I tried driving around in parking lots 3 or 4 times and then a few times on actual, quiet neighborhood streets.

I never took my driver's test (for the license), so its not as if I failed the test and was dissuaded from trying again.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before and if so, in what context, but I have some body changes that occur when I'm in differing situations. Its hard to describe to others without them thinking I'm making this up or exaggerating. These body changes make me not only terribly uncomfortable, but also make some actions/responsibilities/tasks very difficult. I will try my best to explain these, though I knnow it will still be seen as me trying to find a way out of driving.

That's not the case. If it were, I'd get my license and just not drive unless I need to. The body changes affect me so much that I don't know if/when I'll be ready to drive in general (and also after that, not just on quiet streets but actual roads with more than just lines of parked cars.)

Some of the body changes that occur: Jitteriness in my legs (I start shaking them and once this did happen while I was trying to drive. It was scary, to say the least), gaps in memory, forgetting basic information, feeling numb, dissociating/detaching, not able to think in the present moment.

Now, granted, not all of this happens at the same time, but some sure do overlap on occasion.

The reason driving came to mind to me today is because I had one of these physiological responses, which lasted for about three hours (no exaggeration), with no breaks. For these three hours, I was dazed and detached from everything. Yes, I was able to interact with others somewhat, but not on a "normal" level (a normal level for me, that is). I don't even remember what I did or how I felt compeltely. Its almost as if those three hours did not exist for me. Sometimes when this happens, I make poor decisions because I feel as though I'm not really in the situation, that I'm not a part of it. Feeling so detached leads me to things that differs based on the setting. If it's at home it means me not doing any homework and forgetting basic things/ignoring human needs--food, having to go to the bathroom, sleep. At school, things were just very unreal and I didn't feel like I was there, really.

This is something that has gotten me in trouble before, mostly because of the unsafe decisions I make without really feeling like I'm doing it or not knowing what I'm doing. This would not be good for a driver.

The daze is scary because I don't know if people notice it unless I'm talking to them one-on-one, in which case I appear to be under the influence. (The other day I put my belt on sideways and I did not know this until someone pointed it out to me toward the end of the day).

And last night, I was writing on a friend's tumblr and I wrote a very strange comment in his(?) ask box and when he(?) posted it today I couldnt remember writing any of it. I did it anonymously and so it didn't have my name attached to it. But I don't know what any of it meant.

So being dazed can be manifested in a bunch of different ways. And as far as I know, it just comes with the package, so to speak. By that I mean that with my medical problems, its widely-known to have periods of time such as that which I described above.

I was going to write something else but I have absolutely no idea what it was.

Still sort of funky-feeling, but not completely or even half out-of-it, so I have the advantage of awareness.

~~~Eli.