I didn't sleep really. A couple hours. Nauseous. Shaky. My hands are in a constant state of sweating. It's gross. I move my arms when I sit up and feel the sweat under my arms. Headache.
Back and forth. Clarity. Distraction. Remembering. Don't let me sleep. Don't let me wake up and remember. I want to sleep for a long time so I don't have to deal with waking up and remembering, that is the hardest. It's so hard. It's like when I used to have bad dreams and wake up and feel relieved. And roll over and hug her. And now I'm not dreaming.
I cannot hold her anymore. Or kiss her. The thought of it scares me. I'm scared someone else will. I'm so scared of it. I want to make her happy but I can't. She has to do it herself. She even said she doesn't want anyone to do it. I guess there is comfort in that. When I feel, I feel relieved. Relieved I'm not hanging on anymore. Grasping at nothing. Waiting. Begging. I know it's for the better. When I think about it, actually realize it, and it sinks in the tiniest bit, it freaks me out. And I sweat, and shake, and cry. And cry. And cry. Because it's final. Because it's real. Because it was 3 years worth and now...I don't know. We are still best friends. I guess I will be ok with that as long as she's in my life. It will just hurt. But I'm ok with that. I love her family. They love me.
I'm happy I have great friends. I can talk to any of them. I talked to Sara all morning on the phone. Emiliy was there for me last night. Stephanie came to visit me today. She brought me taco bell and mountain dew and tea. I didn't even ask for anything. I called her this morning and told her because she didn't respond to my texts last night, and when I told her she didn't even have to think. She just said she would come over later. I love her. And she didn't make a big deal about it. I told her when she came here, but she didn't ask for any more. She just acted normal (after hugging me when I started crying) and told me stupid stuff and we talked about regular things. And that makes me feel good. And Sara stayed on the phone all morning until I slept around 1230 for a little bit. She's coming up next week. I love her too. I love everyone. I'm so happy.
I spent so much effort the last couple months of our relationship trying to comfort her, and love her, and cling to her, that no one was there for me. It wasn't even a relationship the last couple months. It won't even feel that different for me day to day. I just wanted someone to love me. And now my friends can comfort me. And be here for me. Because she wasn't. I just wasn't important enough to her. And I put her first for everything. And she just...didn't. She is just changed. Her feelings have changed for me. She loves who I am, but she is not in love. Just like I predicted however many weeks ago.
She just needs time to find herself. Fix herself. And maybe after we can come back if we need to. She honestly believes that. I guess I do too, but I'm afraid to believe in that. Because we have so much. We have so much. We had so much more to do. We didn't even get to live together. It' unfinished. She hates it. She wishes she never moved. And none of this happened because she loved loving me, and being happy, and everything. And now she just has this regret. And she feels so bad. And all she can say is I'm sorry. The last thing she said on the phone. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I just can't believe this is happening. I can't believe it.