On repeat. On the train. In the dark. The week I went to visit her. The last time I saw her. Before all of this happened.
The first night we slept together was the longest night of my life. It's number two now. We barely slept because we were so excited that my arm was around her. It was one of those cute things you look at later in life. Awkward teenagers. We didn't say anything, it took me so long to work up the courage to roll over and put my arm there. I think it might have been over an hour. And when I did it, her reaction was instantaneous I'll never forget.
She held my hand with hers. Because she was waiting for me.
And the amount of excitement that shot through me was amazing. Nervous. Excited. Heart beating. Like that for a long time that night. We barely slept. I couldn't breathe right because feeling her breathing next to me was messing up my rhythm.
The night she broke up with me is the longest night of my life. First we were online talking about things. I confronted her about it because I found something that said she wanted to break up. On reddit. We are friends on there. I saw her post about it but she didn't know I could. The title was "Breakup advice please". And I read the whole thing. And it shook my being. Feeling like someone is going to break up with you and having it happen are two different things. The shock. The shock that went through me by seeing it full proof in front of me.
The day I came out to my parents we were in the car and I was shaking and my heart was pounding and I said (I still can't say her name. It hurts.) "We're not just friends, she's my girlfriend". As I was crying. And my hands were numb for a long time. And they said they loved me and nothing will change.
That night 4 nights ago. I couldn't stop shaking. And my hands went numb. And that has only happened two times in my life now. Ironic it was when I was coming out telling my parents she was my girlfriend, and now when this happened. Ironic. Funny.
After awhile online I told her to call me. And we were on the phone for a long time that night. Crying. Trying to talk through things. Me asking her to wait.
"Maybe it will be better when I come up there, when I come to live up there"
In a year?
"I don't know. Not that long, less than a year. We can still live together, maybe it will be different"
I can't wait that long.
She has never been able to lie to me. That's why. She says she always used to be a liar but after we were friends 4 years ago she was never able to lie to me. I'm too honest, she says. She feels like she has been lying the past couple weeks.
Still talking. Crying. Her voice, rushed, excited, "I never wanted any of this to happen. I wish I never came here and none of this happened because I didn't want to change. I didn't want to stop being happy. I regret everything about coming here, I hate it." Crying.
I wished she never did too. She said shortly after she moved there many months ago now, "I'm so scared, I don't think anything will actually happen between us, but I'm scared if it does and I fuck things up with you, I'll regret it forever. I'll regret ever coming here" It did. And she does.
"Don't you still love me?"
I do but it's from a different place. You're my best friend.
"I don't want to be just your best friend."
I didn't do this on purpose. No one thing made this happen, it just happened. I'm a completely different person now. I'm sorry.
"How can you do this? 3 years, it's been 3 years how can you do this, please, why is this happening?"
I still don't know how she could've done it.
When she hung up, we were both crying. Her voice was whispering, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" Ended. I think I might hear her voice saying that for a very long time. It's stuck in my head.
I don't know how long I cried for because I didn't sleep that night and harry potter dh was in the dvd player and I played it 5 times but I didn't once watch it all the way through. The hardest I've ever cried in my life. I can't remember anything. Pain. A headache from crying. I only dozed once or twice. Kept waking up. Afraid to sleep.
The first day and night I was afraid to sleep. Afraid to forget because waking up would be the most terrible thing ever experienced. To have it hit me all at once like that. So I didn't sleep for over 36 hours. I was deadly afraid of it. If you ask me a month from now what I will remember out of this the most, I will say fear.
Fear. Of everything.
My abs hurt. I don't know if it's from crying. I have been coughing a lot and I don't know why. Allergies. I'm cold. I ate today for the first time in 3 days. I don't want to eat. I am doing better, though. I am ok enough to write this log out of that night. I couldn't have done this yesterday or the day before. I want this written down so I can know what I went through then. It also helps it get out of my head. I wish her voice would get out of my head. The longest night of my life.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"