Feeling better today. Probably because I actually slept. Got a good 10 hours the past two days. Definitely felt clearer to think. I was afraid of waking up and remembering. I have to say it wasn't as bad as I thought. I did dream about us being okay though. That hurts a little.
I showered. And got dressed. And cleaned. I always clean when something is wrong. Like somehow picking up clutter and organizing things will organize my thoughts and get rid of my mental clutter. It helps, for some reason. Felt pretty good until this evening when it hit me. Hard. Cried for awhile.
Kadin came by and we hung out a little. I don't know if my dad called my aunt and told her or if she just stopped by and let him hang out for a bit. He's my little cousin. He's like my best friend though. We hang out when we can and play games together. He makes me laugh. His visit kept me distracted a little. I think my aunt must know because she asked if I was working this weekend and if Kadin could come over. Like saying, let me try and help, here is something I know you like that can cheer you up. And I think to myself, I'm working. I can't. And the last thing I want is my little cousin, who loves and looks up to me, to watch me break down. I can be distracted for short periods. But not all weekend. I don't want him to see me that way.
I didn't really talk to anyone today. Steff and Sara both texted me this morning though to check up on me. That is nice. It's nice to feel important. I talked to her on facebook a little today before her film screening. About some little things that bothered her in our relationship. And some things that bothered me. Some things we never really felt concern for while dating because they weren't that significant. And I can see that it is something we could have improved upon, even though I always thought we communicated well enough. She is not that open minded. At least she is aware. She is calling me tonight again. We talked for awhile last night. It was nice. Normal things. Everyday things. It wasn't weird. But saying goodbye will kill me each time on the phone because it is different. There is no "I love you" or "goodnight, baby" or "I miss you and I'm thinking about you". I struggled to not choke up. I failed a little. I guess I'm excited she is talking to me. That she will call me tonight. It makes me feel....I don't know. Okay. But sad. Because now she actually cares about me. Only because she knows how sad I am. Probably out of guilt. But she seems really, really good. I wish she could've been like that before.
I think she probably is relieved that it's over. No obligations. Or guilt. Or lying. She says she felt like she was lying the past couple weeks. That's why she wouldn't try for another week when I asked. Because I asked her to wait just a week. "It's pointless. It's not going to change. I feel like I'm lying". Please. "I can't."
I guess I am relieved too. When I search in the mess of my emotions, and feelings, and thoughts. Trying to find some sort of logical reaction. Because that's what I am. I'm logical. I'm an optimist. Give me any situation, and I will tell you, at least this. At least that. "At least". And I tell myself this time, I will be ok. Because the last couple weeks haven't been a relationship. I have counted the times I've been happy. Not sad. That's how it's been. I've been hurting. Missing. Confused. Waiting. Always waiting. Ask me how I would describe our relationship the past year, even when we were happy, and I would say one word. It would be "waiting". We have been in different places. And I have been waiting to get where she is, because I am still building. That's why I am optimistic partly for now. Because I am building my life. We didn't have a chance to build one together with a house or anything. That's good. At least we are already apart. It would be harder if she was here and did it. Then I would know she is close but not with me. That would hurt more. At least I have already been hurting the past couple months. At least I wasn't utterly, blissfully happy and then it happened. At least we are still friends. I wouldn't be able to function if she wasn't in my life at all. 3 years together....4 years of knowing each other and being this close. It is too long to sever. "At least..."
I'm unsure how I am reacting. I think the unknown scares me. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. Or the next day. Or twenty minutes from now. Because today I was fine and then this thing hit me and I broke down. It is only the second day, I guess. But what if she comes to visit? Who knows how I will feel. I don't like not knowing. I think one of my major flaws is the fear of not knowing what will happen. Things I care about. I have this need to know so I can prepare. Or think. Always preparing. Hell, I started preparing for this breakup nearly a month ago. That's why it wasn't as bad as I thought. I mean I didn't sleep for over 24 hours but I was still mostly ok, I think.
The past month or so I see myself disintegrating anyway. It was a slow process. I am curious as to how I will react now that it has actually happened. Disintegrating or rebuilding. I think a little of both. I have a lot of things going for me. I will be ok. It just sucks for now. Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up, kiddo. I guess all I have now is to worry about myself and wait for it to pass. Haha, wait. I can do that. "At least...."