You know I always just type the title of the song that is currently playing. Almost all of my journals are like that clear back to three years ago.
I am keeping these as a log for myself, whether or not anyone reads them is a plus. I like looking back. Gives me good perspective.
Today I feel better. Better than what? Better than ok. I woke up a little bit ago, I have work in a couple hours. I haven't really cried. I don't feel like doing that either. We talked last night for a long time and I was finally able to tell her all that happened after it happened. We have talked since then but it was about how sad I was, and me trying to explain to her problems I had with our relationship before, and her telling me regular every day stuff. I hadn't really talked to her about what happened to me after. So I told her and she listened and it was a little funny. I can tell how much better I'm getting because I'm making jokes. I always make jokes. And now it is sad but certain things are a little hilarious.
The sun came out yesterday. I was asleep mostly so I didn't get to enjoy it. The sun is out today, it is a nice thing. In Washington the sun is a good thing. Especially after all winter and barely seeing it. It's as if the sun came out just for me to say, "hey, look at me. I am shining just for you because I know you love it when I shine. I will shine right through your window. Time to pick yourself up, kiddo". And I'm getting up.
It felt good to tell her everything I was feeling after. Who came to help me, who called me, and texted me. Everyone was checking up on me. Sara stayed on the phone until I fell asleep the first time. Steff who brought me taco bell. It was nice. My heart feels lighter. I feel less dense. And I feel like I am getting so much better and at least talking normal to other people. Even to her. I think I am scared to really say her name or type it or say "we broke up" because I am just using a lot of pronouns. It. Her. She. That might take a little longer to get used to, and I'm ok with that. I know it will be ok. Her attitude is helping me too. She cares about me a lot and is so sorry for hurting me because I'm important to her. I guess I don't like hearing that that much because it makes me a little mad. Sometimes I get a little angry. But I know it's not real. Because I've never been angry at her. And I'm mature enough to understand that things happen. Feelings change. And people change. And this is just an unfortunate thing that had to occur. But there is still hope in the future if we want it someday. As long as she is close I know it can be ok.
We always used to talk about how sad it would be if one of us got amnesia and woke up and didn't remember we were dating. We would have to fall in love again. I feel like we both have to have amnesia right now. But we have to be apart. We have to be independent and find ourselves. Then maybe we can fall back in love. Is that bad to think? She believes it. I think I want to really bad. But I can't hope for it. But it will be in my head. This is amnesia. But it's real.