There's nothing I can do
There's nothing I can do
There's nothing I can say
There's nothing I can say
I can say

Today is better for sure. All day. Came home and felt a lot better. Sat in the living room for the first time since the night it happened. Ate a meal. Bought my family Mcdonald's because we haven't had money for real food and I don't know how they've been surviving really because I don't eat and if I do it is something small at work that I buy because I'm there more than here. We are tight on money.

I'm feeling ok I think. At night, I still get sad. But during the day it's better. It's like I would keep it in the back of my mind that something bad had happened so I wouldn't be so shocked when I remembered, but I wouldn't really focus on it at work so I could still do my job. And the people, they help me because I'm distracted. And I can almost forget. But I don't let myself. When it's slow I can feel the weight of it almost crushing me. My chest has been tight since then, hard to breathe sometimes. I think I might actually be getting a chest cold though because I'm coughing a lot and it's from my lungs. I am feeling better though, emotionally.

She hasn't talked to me all weekend really. Maybe because her best friend is up visiting, I don't know. Does she really care about me? I don't think so. I don't know what is so important about me anymore. Why would I matter to her. Sadness has been turning to bitterness. Some of it at her. I am ok with this. I know nothing is really her fault purposely. I think I mad at myself for being pathetic and letting this happen. I am mad at her for not caring enough. For not trying enough. Not even now.

She will let this relationship fall apart. This friendship. I have always helped keep it afloat. But I can't because it hurts and if she's not trying, it will fall. It will fall. I am tired of trying so hard for this.