The screams all sound the same.
I'm ruining perfectly good songs this week with my obsession. Feeling this shitty and connecting them with horrible feelings. A year from now listening to them will make me sad because I'll remember. Like smells.
I haven't been able to eat normal for a week. I don't feel like eating at all. I don't know how I've been functioning at all. Little things. A granola bar. Candy. Drinks. Lots of drinks. I don't even pee and that worries me a little. But I just don't feel like it and I forget to. I have to be careful. My dad is catching on. I ate a meal last night for the first time since Sunday.
The other night I cried so hard I felt like I was going to puke. Not sure how I fell asleep or when. Woke up, remembered everything, started crying. Nothing has even happened. I'm just aware it can. So suddenly aware. So suddenly aware that what I've built the past 3 years can disintegrate. Fall, end, tear, disappear. I'm lucky I had a 4 hour shift. I felt nauseous all day and shaky. That's something I noticed. My legs were shaking a little. And I remembered 3 years ago being in the same room as her and feeling my knees shake and my hands sweat just being in her presence. I told Sara. I had to. I have no one I can talk to. I have nobody. Except her. I told her a long time ago I would need her if this happens. She talked to me for a couple hours even though she was in class. God I love her. I've never had to break down like this before to someone. Not like this. Not freak out like this. She's a great friend.
I hate night time. How can I sleep? I have to try to stay positive. Not think too much about it. A lot has been resolved. Doesn't stop me from being sad from what can happen I guess, but it's less nerve wracking knowing for sure and talking it out. And it's like every song on the radio is speaking to me. You know, "Creep" by radiohead is actually an anthem of my life. I've always been a creep. Always will be.