I forgot who it was that said to get over someone, you should write a novel. But because I have neither the time nor the ability, maybe I have been approaching it the wrong way. I thought I had to fall madly crazy hopelessly fall or another person as if i was metaphorically writing myself another chapter, or if that didn't work, distract myself with an extravagant and excessive lifestyle where everything blurred into one another like I was in some tv series where something has to happen all the time.
(This afternoon when I was walking I suddenly thought about the night before he left. I had a show on that night and that entire week, so I couldn't even hang out with him in our final days before he left, although it distracted me from the idea of him leaving. He waited backstage, and when I was done it was already eleven in the evening. So we got some food, went to a quiet bar and then, we went home. I remember snuggling into bed almost straight away, there was no long stay up the whole evening talk because it was such a long day. He fell asleep before me just and I did too. He trained home in the morning to pack and I groaned because he woke me up and I didn't even walk him down my apartment. Later I got a text saying 'I'll see you at the airport, beautiful man'. I didn't even cry at this stage. We got mcdonalds at the airport, and talked about nothing and everything like this was any other day. I remember giving him a kiss at the gate, like we would do this everyday for the rest of our lives. It was quick and clean the way he smiled, told me he will be back, and turned around, walked in and never looked back. Maybe he was strong, maybe he was crying, I will never know what he felt in those final moments, but I believed those words so much I felt like he was only going on a holiday. Later on, I saw him from a distance holding the teddy bear I gave him from the soundproof glass above. There were so many things I wanted to say to him-)
I turned down an invite to go out tonight. There were free alcohol, there were people I enjoyed being around. It was also right next to my apartment. I even did it in person, I went and said hi to everyone then went home and had dinner. And it felt strangely like a breath of fresh air.
First of all, I would've been drunk (again) on a Monday evening, which would've been the sixth night in a row since last Wednesday. Secondly it had felt like I was bound by some sort of expectations I had placed on myself, and I literally just walked away from it because it only existed in my mind in this nebulous vacuum. Suddenly I felt like I could be myself, without being defined by a significant other, or all the overtures of interactions between people. Like, I wasn't living for the next big event, there was suddenly meaning in the now.
Already I feel like there is some order in my life instead of impulsivity. I'm going to go the supermarket tomorrow and buy some food and eat a bit more. I decided I will not smoke again. I will gym everyday now (I already go three times a week).
Things are starting to feel like they are about me again, and a little selfishness can never hurt.