Today marks 4 days clean for me. I broke my streak this past Monday.
I see my psychiatrist in a few weeks...first time in 3 months. I'm hoping to be able to communicate everything I need to. I may contact a different one and try and switch.
The one I want to switch to is one I had before (but then stopped seeing her because it was when I was in intensive treatment and she left on maternity leave and then I left). She's really nice and I feel like I can talk to her and trust her. The one I have now....not so much. She's not terrible. But I'm not crazy about her and I can't feel like I can tell her everything. Especially gender stuff. So that person we'll call Mika.
The one I want to switch to, we'll call her Forester.
Forester is younger than Mika and so I feel like I can trust Forester more and she seems more open and much nicer to me.
((I'm not the type of person motivated by tough love.))
I think if I could see Forester again, maybe I could tell her about all the stuff that's been medically wrong but I haven't been courageous enough to speak up and say them.
I've been thinking non-stop about gender.
I can't tell Mika that. Forester, if I had her as my psychiatrist, I could tell her. I could ask her questions about it. Because I'm scared of feeling this way. But I sort of want to know my options. Maybe I can call Forester? How do I even do this?
Things with my current therapist are pretty good. I've been telling her about everything, except leaving out some gender stuff, which, truth be told is not an unintelligent thing (at least I don't think so...). I need to start feeling better about calling her because when I've needed to talk to her, I haven't been able to pick up the phone and dial. Or even do speed dial. I just can't.
I asked some trans* people who live near me if there's some sort of transgender support group. There isn't. Not that I could attend one, because if my parents found out I'd be in a deep load of shit. But the comraderie would be nice.
I should stop here. Otherwise I'll keep rambling and I know you're probably hating this already, so why should I write more anyway??