My Brain and I
Today marks 4 days clean for me. I broke my streak this past Monday.
I see my psychiatrist in a few weeks...first time in 3 months. I'm hoping to be able to communicate everything I need to. I may contact a different one and try and switch.
The one I want to switch to is one I had before (but then stopped seeing her because it was when I was in intensive treatment and she left on maternity leave and then I left). She's really nice and I feel like I can talk to her and trust her. The one I have now....not so much. She's not terrible. But I'm not crazy about her and I can't feel like I can tell her everything. Especially gender stuff. So that person we'll call Mika.
The one I want to switch to, we'll call her Forester.
Forester is younger than Mika and so I feel like I can trust Forester more and she seems more open and much nicer to me.
((I'm not the type of person motivated by tough love.))
I think if I could see Forester again, maybe I could tell her about all the stuff that's been medically wrong but I haven't been courageous enough to speak up and say them.
I've been thinking non-stop about gender.
I can't tell Mika that. Forester, if I had her as my psychiatrist, I could tell her. I could ask her questions about it. Because I'm scared of feeling this way. But I sort of want to know my options. Maybe I can call Forester? How do I even do this?
Things with my current therapist are pretty good. I've been telling her about everything, except leaving out some gender stuff, which, truth be told is not an unintelligent thing (at least I don't think so...). I need to start feeling better about calling her because when I've needed to talk to her, I haven't been able to pick up the phone and dial. Or even do speed dial. I just can't.
I asked some trans* people who live near me if there's some sort of transgender support group. There isn't. Not that I could attend one, because if my parents found out I'd be in a deep load of shit. But the comraderie would be nice.
I should stop here. Otherwise I'll keep rambling and I know you're probably hating this already, so why should I write more anyway??
~~Eli
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Comments
:( I'm sorry you're not
:( I'm sorry you're not doing so well with your current therapist. I'm seeing a younger person, and she's really nice and supporting, and she's trans too! So that's really cool. But I know what you mean, I had a really old psychiatrist once, and she really wasn't a bad person, I just felt like I couldn't talk to her and eventually everything I hadn't been telling her boiled over and I spent about fifteen minutes in my dad's lap bawling my eyes out. (this was when I was about fifteen...) So definitely go back to this old therapist, I'm sure she's been wondering what you've been up to and how you've been doing. Can't hurt too much to try right?
~Syd
Woah, that's awesome,
Woah, that's awesome, Syd!!!
I found Forester's new office phone number and I put it in my phone. I want to call her to make an appointment. But as of now I still see Mika. And both my current therapist and my mom said I should give Mika another chance. But I don't want to.
I would love to just call Forester and see her soon. I don't know if that's a bad idea to call?
Last time I was at a session with Mika, I felt extremely invalidated and I feel like I fear this time will be no different. And I'm afraid to talk to her about gender. Because she keeps suggesting I go to a gender clinic sorta near where I live. But that's not something I'm interested in and even if it was, there's no way I could do that.
~~Eli.
If she's making you feel
If she's making you feel invalidated, I would definitely find a different therapist. Therapists are supposed to help you feel better, not invalidated. Sometimes they can challenge you, but when they do, they're just challenging you to find out who you really are and what you really feel. It doesn't sound like this therapist is doing that, so yes, you should call the other therapist, or straight-up find a new one. I know from personal experience that it can be hard to find the right therapist (or counselor in my case) but once you do IT'S WORTH IT. :)
Why is it impossible to go to a gender clinic? Why do you not want to go? Is it one of those places that tries to 'fix' you? THEN I could understand why you wouldn't want to go.
BTW, sorry for being so long in responding. :/ I'm a dick sometimes with remembering to check my messages and responding to people.
The invalidating one, Mika,
The invalidating one, Mika, is not my therapist. She's my psychiatrist, I see her every few months.
Last time she told me I had no problems and that everyone is like this. She said I was functioning perfectly. If this is perfect....I don't want to see imperfect.
I am not able to come out yet. I don't think I could do it and risk my safety.
Plus Ive heard the clinic near me is bad.
I dont know that I necessarily want to transition, per se. I mean yes and no. So I didnt know if gender therapy would make a difference.
No [problem.
It's because of this vacillating view...
...of yourself, that you truly do need to get this issue settled (if only for the present) as quickly as possible!
There's no viable substitute for a reputable specialist in gender issues!
Please...