Some quick notes....
---The doctor I called last Thursday still has not returned my call. My guess is she's on winter vacation or some such thing.
(or maybe her phone number changed? the answering machine was not personalized with a name)
---Therapy today went pretty well. I remembered to tell her just about everything that I wanted/needed to tell her.
---Though I don't think this is official (I'm 99.89% sure that its not yet official), I haven't gotten any specific paperwork on it, I think I may have a new(ish) diagnosis. Its one I've sort of gotten before when doctors have hinted about it to me, but it never was really in-your-face and blatantly mentioned.
---For therapy I had to fill out a sheet about all my different goals, broken down in the given categories, ie: Education, Housing, Mental Health, Physical Health, etc. And it asks for goals as related to each category. I've taken a long time to get this back to my therapist. Partly because it needs to be perfect, my OCD makes me believe that, at least. And also because I'm fearful of what she'll say. (And I had a hard time coming up with some of my goals.) I emailed the sheet to her today with an email message that makes me nervous because I'm worried it doesn't sound like me/she's never heard me talk like that before. I hope she realizes what was going on, but who knows.
---I've been panicking quite a bit lately. I got some medication for something that makes me quite anxious that I have to do. I've never had this medication before so I'm a little worried. My OCD is making me think of the worst-case scenarios. The drug is also one that is in a group of which I have never tried. Its one of the benzodiazepines, which "enhance the effect of the neurotransmitter gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA)" (source: Wikipedia). Basically, its a really fast-acting medication used for many reasons, one of which is to take a near-immediate affect on anxiety (it is an anti-anxiety drug).
---I should admit this because I feel like I need to do so. I know you all will think I'm crazy but I don't care. These updates are for me, so I can go back and evaluate my progress and think through my process, etc. Yesterday I flipped out on my best friend(?). I feel like he's abandoning me. Like he was lying when he said he'd always be there for me. Or that he doesn't care about me. And now that class is over, we don't need to see each other every Tuesday/Thursday. I feel like he has all the power. So what did I do?
Monsterous as I am, I talked with him by giving leading answers that were cliff-hangers.
(Here's an example...not exact wording from conversation, but this is the jist of it)
Friend: How are you?
Friend: I have to go soon to meet with my friend for dinner plans. But are you ok?
Me: No, everything's not ok.
Friend: What's wrong (and by the way I really do need to leave in a few minutes)?
Me: I don't know. I'm really sad.
Friend: What's wrong, (Insert nickname of my girl name)? Why are you sad?
Me: I don't know. It's not just one thing, its a lot of little things built-up I guess. I dunno.
And basicaly that's about where I left it.
I do this sort of stuff. And if you're going to make any judgment, stop before you do. And think. If you are not me, you do not know everything going on. Because of this, it is not okay to share your judgments with intent to harm me. Its one thing to think them, I don't mind that. But to verbalize them is malicious.
Okay, there, I said it. I was trying to push him away. I don't know how the relationship will go from here. But I'm hoping it gets fixed. History shows me that if I want it to be fixed, I have a hell of a lot of shit I need to do.
Long update, I know.