Looks like I might be coming out to my teachers.
I know I just wrote a journal, but I've been faced with a...problem. Two problems, actually, in two different classes. In AP Psych we're compiling playlists of songs that remind us of important events in our lives. One of my events is meeting my first major, super-important crush. But we also have to write a paragraph about each song that goes in detail about the memory associated with it. This is where my problem begins...I didn't write on my playlist that my crush was, in fact, a girl.
I really don't see how I can possibly avoid telling my Psych teacher about this crush without mentioning gender. We're supposed to go into A LOT of detail. So, looks like I'm fucked. I have two options: I can either lie and refer to her as a he, or I can be honest and reveal something to my AP Psych teacher that I can't even share with my own mother. Lying wouldn't be that big a deal, but...I'm sick of hiding it.
But that's not the only sexuality-based problem! In AP English we're writing definition essays, in which we pull a word out of a box and write an entire essay about what that word means to us. Words like "poverty" and "conservative" and "happiness." Guess which word I got? Orientation. There are so many ways I can approach that word. Religious orientation? Sexual orientation? I'm gonna ask questions about it tomorrow, but if I take it in the sexuality direction, I don't see how I can pull it off without coming out to my teacher in the essay.
I adore my AP English teacher. She has confidence in my writing, and she really thinks I can pull of a career as an author. I doubt she or my AP Psych teacher would confront me about it, but...what if they get uncomfortable around me from then on? They could be religious. They could be intolerant. I just worry about it.
I guess I could hide it in both essays, but to be honest I really don't want to. I've been presented with two opportunites to be open about my sexuality through writing, when I've been hiding it for so long. But I'd be sharing it with teachers. And that seems wrong, because I haven't even come out to friends and family yet.
I'm torn. Anybody got any wise words of wisdom or something? I'm leaning towards just going for it, just being open and honest, but I'm still very undecided.
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First one is easy...
Use this playlist:
Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls
Come To My Window - Melissa Etheridge
Drive - Melissa Ferrick
Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard
I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry
Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover - Sophie B. Hawkins
All The Things She Said - T.A.T.U.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
Untouchable Face - Ani DiFranco
Yes I Am - Melissa Etheridge
No coming out afterward required.
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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)
JEFF HOW DARE YOU PLACE A
JEFF HOW DARE YOU PLACE A HETERONORMATIVE AND OTHERIZING SONG LIKE "I KISSED A GIRL" ON AN OTHERWISE EMPOWERING PLAYLIST OF QUEER FEMININITY?
<3 <3 just kidding.
mostly.
The sad thing...
...is that I've never heard of any of those artists, except for Katy Perry (*gag*) and Def Leppard.
Start listening!
You'll be familiar soon. :) Just never get too familiar with Tegan and Sara. Whatever other dykes say, they are terrible.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin
That's how I feel, too
I mean I like their SONGS but their voices aren't good...
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That's redick!
I agree! My band is covering
I agree!
My band is covering Northshore, but that's the only once I sort of like.
I tried realllyyyy hard to
I tried realllyyyy hard to like Tegan and Sara when I was, like, 14, but it just never really worked...
I only know half the songs on the playlist! I've failed at being a lesbian! :P
Melissa Etheridge
You have never heard of Melissa Etheridge? She was the best singer in the 90's.
This playlist is full of
This playlist is full of win.
my words of wisdom: with
my words of wisdom: with some people, Coming Out is a big, capital-letters kind of deal. Those people are family, friends, mothers. For them, Coming Out is about planning and being terrified and not knowing and worrying.
But not everybody needs to be Come Out to. Some people... with some people, you can just be out. No capitals, no panicking. Just being. Whether you're straight or gay doesn't affect your teachers the way it affects your mother. They frankly don't give a damn. They give a damn about you following the assignment, writing well, and engaging with the class material.
Coming Out and being out are two very different things and there are challenges with both of them. We're privileged to live in a time when we don't have to really be that worried about teachers outing us to parents and administration- the 80s are over and it's all going to be okay. It sounds like this occasion is one where being out won't do any harm... and you'll get a much better grade if you aren't focusing on fabrication.
I think I understand what
I think I understand what you're saying. I'm far less worried about my teachers' reactions than my family's, probably because I really have nothing to lose in this situation. Besides, both of my teachers seem to be open-minded people.
No hiding!
I know your writing is beautiful and great. Lying would just muddy up an otherwise powerful writing with untruths.
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That's redick!
You're right. Lying in
You're right. Lying in writing is pretty much impossible for me. Writing is such a freeing thing for me, and it allows me to express myself; why would I ruin that with lies?
Oh my gosh Shelby, I just thought of something. Pretty soon in Psych we're gonna learn about sexuality and why people are gay. What if my teacher reads my essay and when we get to that chapter he's all like, "Jenna should know all about this, cuz she has personal experience with it!" in front of the whole class? What if he just assumes I'm out to most people?
XD Oh god, that would be horrible.
XD well then they'll know!
No biggie, eh? If you're learning about why people are gay... then there's no reason they should dislike you? Duh :P
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That's redick!
Uh actually, yes. Ya see, my
Uh actually, yes. Ya see, my AP Psych class, for some incomprehensible reason, is full of ditzy cheerleaders and bitchy preppy girls. They don't even belong in an advanced class but there they are. So, that would be a problem. Fuck it, I'd just take it all in stride :P
Well, write what you know.
Well, write what you know. And I highly doubt your teacher would be so bold as to say something like that. But you know, in case it happens, go with the flow and be super intelligent and impress everyone :D
yeah, no teacher would ever
yeah, no teacher would ever do that. If you're extra worried, though, you can approach him after he's read it and be like "look I know that my paper mentioned that I'm a carpetmuncher, but most people don't know that I prefer vaginas, so I'd really appreciate it if you didn't bring it up in class."
It's a teacher's job to not be a dick to you, believe it or not. They usually pull through.
Yeah, I doubt he would do
Yeah, I doubt he would do that in front of the whole class. That's just me being paranoid XD
Do it!
This is a great way to stick your toe out of the closet, because, as the aforementioned folks have mentioned, there is relatively little at stake. When you are more comfortable being out, it will still not change the fact that anyone who comes across your queerness may be intolerant. There's intolerant folks out there. Sometimes you may even have to hide again. But the difference between this side of the closet door and that one is that the fact that someone theoretically could be intolerant won't matter so much anymore. You can be yourself, openly, without apologies. And when you are forced back into the closet because of actual intolerance, it will feel cramped in there. Never feel the need to apologize or shrink due to someone else's intolerance.
Getting to that day of unapologetic comings-out takes time. You should only do it when you feel ready enough. At the beginning, you will never feel completely ready--but you will know when it's ready enough, and then you will push yourself just that little bit farther. Not telling them because you just aren't ready? Acceptable. Not telling them because you have it on good word they're bigots? Yes. But not telling them just because they could be intolerant, the way anyone theoretically could be--you're losing focus on the real issue here, and playing into the fear our society wants you to eat right up.
Plus--if your teachers know and they're all cool with the gays, maybe you'll have a real, live person who you can talk with about it. That happened to me in high school. Of course, I was a bit too much of an unhappy wreck to really delve into the topic with my teacher when he asked how things were going.
Oh, and your fear about outing? Just work it into your writing about how you're not openly queer yet. That makes it easy.
Good luck!
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin
I think that being out to
I think that being out to these two teachers is a big step towards being out to people like my family and friends. And like I said, my AP English teacher is a fantastically awesome human being, so maybe, just maybe, she'll be a person to trust in the future.
I mean, if a random person I barely knew walked up to me and asked me if I'm gay, I'd be like "Pshyeah" like it's nothing. At least, I think I'd do that. Because I don't know them and why the hell should I care what they think? So I guess the fact that I can say that is in itself a step in the right direction, towards being out to friends and family.
It's not being out to friends and family that frightens me....it's the process of coming out itself, if that makes any sense. Like it would be so much easier if my mom were just like "Jenna, I think you're gay." Then I could just say "Yep." But knowing that I have to come out myself and deal with the whole process is what scares me.
I know that immediately after I came out I would feel so much better. It'd be like getting a shot; one quick moment of pain and uncertainty and then relief. I don't want to have to come out--I just want to BE out, if that makes sense.
They may be the most difficult essays to write,
But once you come out to one person, it's really easy. Once I came out to my friend, I just mentioned it to ther people like it's no big deal. I know it won't be like that with my family, though. Still, do it. This is a great oportunity to come out and most teachers won't break the student-teacher confidentiality at risk of being a jerk. You should mention in the essays that your sexual orientation is something you've never told anyone before.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iNEbrrG7SM