Well, reading back on them, I am thoroughly ashamed at the quality of my writing. If that isn't enough, they seem to have no substance, pure froth in journal form.
Featuring such standards as:
"I really like this...guy? SHOCK HORROR!"
"I guess it shuoldn't bother me that much."
My past three posts have been, in a nutshell, "I haven't been here in a while but...", which in the internet world is virtually inexcusable.
So here I am to make yet another one of those. I always seem to come back at late points in the night, having made some massive decision about my life, or my sexuality. Now I'm here again, not with concrete assertions, but with a doubt and unease that has been virtually impossible to shake for the past couple of months.
My boyfriend is a really great guy. An amazing guy. I realised a couple of days ago that I'm trying to get him to dump me. Which, unfortunately, seems an impossible feat. I'm not remotely sexually attracted to him.
It's a remarkably odd feeling to suddenly realise that you're wishing that he wasn't -quite- so flat-chested.
When I was active on places like QYN and to a certain extent, Oasis, I was always plagued by the thought that I was faking an interest in girls to fit in. My sexuality has never been clear cut, and I can never quite imagine myself with either sex. If I wasn't attracted to males, then I must like girls. Except girls still aren't quite right. I hope I'll find answers at some point: not so much for others, but for myself.
Neither label was ever quite right, and I'm yet to find one that is.