In which Caroline deletes all her old posts.

28 December, 2011 - 1:53am — stillgotlegs

Well, reading back on them, I am thoroughly ashamed at the quality of my writing. If that isn't enough, they seem to have no substance, pure froth in journal form.

Featuring such standards as:
"I really like this...guy? SHOCK HORROR!"
and:
"I guess it shuoldn't bother me that much."

My past three posts have been, in a nutshell, "I haven't been here in a while but...", which in the internet world is virtually inexcusable.

So here I am to make yet another one of those. I always seem to come back at late points in the night, having made some massive decision about my life, or my sexuality. Now I'm here again, not with concrete assertions, but with a doubt and unease that has been virtually impossible to shake for the past couple of months.

My boyfriend is a really great guy. An amazing guy. I realised a couple of days ago that I'm trying to get him to dump me. Which, unfortunately, seems an impossible feat. I'm not remotely sexually attracted to him.

It's a remarkably odd feeling to suddenly realise that you're wishing that he wasn't -quite- so flat-chested.

When I was active on places like QYN and to a certain extent, Oasis, I was always plagued by the thought that I was faking an interest in girls to fit in. My sexuality has never been clear cut, and I can never quite imagine myself with either sex. If I wasn't attracted to males, then I must like girls. Except girls still aren't quite right. I hope I'll find answers at some point: not so much for others, but for myself.

Neither label was ever quite right, and I'm yet to find one that is.

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Stillgotlegs's journal

Comments

28 December, 2011 - 11:20pm — Lehcure

You're trying to get him to

You're trying to get him to dump you?If you don't want to be with him, my best advice would be to tell you to break up with him for his own sake. It's torturing to drag something out if you're sure it will never change in your favor. I've found (from the other end of things) it's better to be upfront and to not waste time or else there will be a lot of confusion, unnecessary emotional games, and probably negative feelings towards you on his part. If he's an amazing guy and you're honest with him, he'll probably be more understanding and less hurt. In any case, good luck. As for your sexuality, I'm sure it will become apparent eventually..just be sure and keep your mind open ;) Also, I didn't mean this to be so opinionated, I've just been at the receiving end of a similar situation and thought I'd shed some insight.

29 December, 2011 - 1:45am — stillgotlegs

He's the person I spend the

He's the person I spend the most time with. This sounds cold, but breaking up with him would mean that he gets to choose the terms of the break-up. He'd be perfectly within his rights to tell me that he doesn't want to see me anymore. I do love him - so much - but not in the way that he thinks I do. For the majority of the time, it doesn't even matter that I'm not attracted to him because we seem to be friends first.

I absolutely know he deserves better, but I'll be honest and say that my motives are entirely selfish xD

When you say that you were on the other side - was that person honest with you?
____________________

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

29 December, 2011 - 5:07am — Lehcure

I can understand that.

I can understand that. You've developed a great friendship. There isn't anything wrong with being partners if you both are happy with the way things are, maybe you'll save him from manipulative girls with bad intentions and herpes:) And yeah, she was honest with me..though she could have been honest earlier and saved me those last two weeks of memories when she first got it into her head we were to end, as she told me later.