Cut Bank and Alluvial Fan

3 December, 2011 - 11:38am — Just Dave

An Incredibly Self-Indulgent Story: About a year ago I didn't really like myself, so I started to change myself. It started off as little things; working out more, being more social, trying to become more organized. It's been panning out surprisingly well, and I am fairly content overall. But at the moment, I feel stuck.

It's like I'm trying to jump tried over this large gap between old me and new me. Right now, I am caught mid jump; I know who I was and who I want to be, but I have no idea who I am now.

It's all very confusing, and I end up reciting facts about myself to myself, thinking maybe it will help. It's pretty stupid. But it's probably a pretty common process, so I shouldn't be upset about it. It just would have been nice to get all this identity shit out of the way in high school.
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I promise I have real problems, and I swear I will never write about them here. I don't really know what Oasis is for me, but it's not a place to pour the soul out. It's too bad, really.
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Know what is stupid? Sometimes, the things people assume are true about me are more believable than the actual truth. If I tried to tell them the truth, they would probably believe I was lying, so I let them believe the lies.

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I used to think that people who believe in the supernatural are idiots.

Later, I thought that they where just undereducated; it's not their fault they don't understand science and cannot think rationally.

I don't know what to think today. I really don't understand faith, I want to. It's extremely doubtful I will ever become religious, but I'm not afraid of that possibility any longer. I'm just kind of disgusted by how much of an arrogant prick I was.

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Oh god, look at me! I'm SUCH a good, open minded individual now. I need to share with the world how much I've improved!

Not only that, but the realities of my life are 100% unique and need to be shared with the world. How else will people understand how deep and special I am? Oh, and this journal is in NO WAY a poorly coded attempt to explain why my last journal (deleted) sounded like a poorly written dating ad.

And that's not even including my REAL problems, because my REAL problems are just so traumatic and real that they completely dwarf your problems. But I don't talk about them, because I'm troubled and mysterious.

Oooh, and let me tell you a story from my life! But I'll be sure to preface it with some defacing remark calling myself self-indulgent, just so you will understand how MODEST I am. Apparently, I haven't yet realized that it's impossible NOT to sound self important when you talk about yourself constantly.

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This is what it's like inside of my head.

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Comments

3 December, 2011 - 12:14pm — Quietwarrior

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I sometimes get oddly jealousy of when people are crying in public or put on Facebook ":(". Because I know i could never do that. If i put that as my status then my friends would be only desperate to know what it is the situation, not really how I am feeling. Yesterday my teacher said to me if I was alright as I was thinking a lot about different things to the class and guessed looked pretty dazed. And you know what, i felt a tad proud that someone asked me if I was fine because i know that it does not happen a lot, when I weirdly crave it.

4 December, 2011 - 10:05pm — Just Dave

I know what you mean...

And I hate it when you finally tell your friends what your situation is, and they tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do about it.

3 December, 2011 - 1:41pm — elph

But... This is the right place... for just that!

"I promise I have real problems, and I swear I will never write about them here. I don't really know what Oasis is for me, but it's not a place to pour the soul out. It's too bad, really."

Actually... I think this is the right place to do just that.

What dire effects do you envisage were you to be more open here on Oasis?

This question is posed in all seriousness.

In the process of formulating its composition, much emotional debris will come to the surface... and be made readily accessible for immediate tossing.

Then... on to an enjoyable winter break!

btw... I'm quite pleased that you abandoned the thought (~year ago) of taking a break this year from university. (You're now a sophomore... right?)

And: Congratulations on your rapidly approaching 2-year anniversary here on Oasis!

4 December, 2011 - 10:11pm — Just Dave

Concede

"What dire effects do you envisage were you to be more open here on Oasis?"

It's occurred to me recently that Oasis is not quite as confidential for me as it could be. If someone I knew found out I used Oasis, it would be pretty easy for them to guess which one of the journals was mine.

And I hope you have a nice winter break, as I still have to conquer finals before I am reprieved.

5 December, 2011 - 12:25am — elph

Yeah...

There's always that possibility. But even if that were to happen, would it really be such a bad thing?

The likelihood of someone who's neither gay nor gay-supportive stumbling upon an Oasis journal of yours in which you may have provided "a bit too much" identifying information remains a quite remote possibility!

4 December, 2011 - 12:53pm — Uncertain

I guess the point of

I guess the point of journals is to talk about yourself...

Regarding change and identity, I don't really see what the issue is. You're happy setting goals, so I'm assuming change isn't the problem per se. Just keep striving toward your goals.

4 December, 2011 - 10:18pm — Just Dave

Read "adolescence"

http://psychology.about.com/library/bl_psychosocial_summary.htm

The issue is both the so-called "role confusion" and the fact that I had this shit sorted out a year ago, back when I was still technically an adolescent. I am happy setting goals, and I wont stop. It's just there's a price to everything.