Jesus, I don't know if this is just hormones or my brain being extra fucked up tonight but I've been sitting here for the last ten minutes basically having a panic attack because there are so many things I hate about myself. Which is a disgusting cliche, and I really should be over this sort of thing, I've spent lots of time reassuring myself that I am logically not a fuckup of a person and reassuring other people that they are not fuckups and the sheer irrationality of this is fucking humiliating.
I just. I didn't go to the writers' society meeting today because I don't know where the seminar room its being held in is, and I just couldn't bring myself to play a game of 'ask random strangers for directions'. And what's the point in going, really, I'm leaving the country at the end of the semester and I'm a shitty reader so it's not like I'd willingly ever read out my own writing, and let's be honest, Adorable Bisexual Irish barrista Boy was just inviting me along because he's the president of the society and it's his job to recruit people, i've been in exactly his place.
And I hate that every fucking accessibility question I've asked here has been met with 'but dont' you have a carer?'. Because fucking clearly it is easier to assume that what, i'm so incompetant that I pay someone to follow me around and be my eyes? What the fuck does that say about the institutionalized ideas in their society, honestly? It says that everyone sees me as a dependant, as incapable. And ohh man, what does it say about how fucked up my own internalized ableism that that's what I assume when I think of people who actually do need carers? Because it does not say good things.
But I hate that my social fucking anxiety is bad enough that I have to psych myself up just to go to the convenience store and ask for assistance finding a few groceries, or to go to a cafe because I'm not sure how far down the sidewalk it is and I'm petrified of going into the wrong door. I hate that I'm in this country and I'm not going to wind up seeing any other countries even though their easily accessible by train because no one that I know here can aford/wants to go, and it's pointless to go on my own because it's not like I can read a map or a phrasebook or know when I'm passing interesting shops or cafes, or actually fucking *see* the sights. I hate that even the thought of going into town on my own from campus is terrifying because the busdrivers aren't the friendlyest bunch here and I wouldn't trust them to remember to call out my stop if I asked.
And I hate that I'm barely eating and when i do eat it's when I first wake up to get my metabolism going and I haven't lost any weight and I've been trying to lose weight for literally as long as I can remember and nothing has ever worked (also if I don't eat a lot I don't have to go grocery shopping as often, see how that works?). And I hate that I have tried everything and I've got so many friends who constantly eat junk and fast food and are skinny as fuck and I eat healthy and it does nothing and my doctor has said that for my health level (which is good) I shouldn't be overweight. And I mean, it's bad enough being the geeky blind girl who only falls for gay boys and straight girls, being that fat girl just makes it worse. being a girl just makes it worse, really, because everytime that I get dressed or I'm out dancing and I remember that I've got these fucking breasts that mark me out so clearly as 'female' even though I don't feel like either on the inside, but how can I even explain that? That I'd be so much more ok with myself as a boy who gets sometimes mistaken for a girl... but hey, I'd be much more comfortable with myself if I was skinny and could see and not a fucking failure at life, too.
I feel like i am wasting the best years of my life. I don't want to go back home where my social circle is falling apart and my flatmate constantly whines to me about how he's got too many boys who want to sleep with him and how he's met the perfect boy but it's super-inconvenient because neither of them want to be in a relationship right now. At least here in england I've got a friend group who are all my age or younger who don't think that going out dancing and getting drunk is below them and who are enthusiastic about on-campus events and activism instead of cynicle and judgmental.
I am scared that once people get over the 'zomg disabled people are asexual' (which is a pretty common assumption) I will forever be destined for the friend box.
And I'm sorry I'm dumping this all here, I just... can't tell anyone else because my mum would say 'just try harder' and I definitely can't say this sort of thing to my friends because I actually enjoy being their equal and my flatmate has a really terrible habbit of being really unintentionally crewel to people and not understanding what he's done, and my extended family expect me either to fail entirely or do everything perfectly and make a billion friends and "do those silly things kids do when they're young".
I still feel embarrassed to have written all of this down, but hey, there's a convenient cut so that no one has to actually read this.