Its been ages since I was on here...what, something like a month and a half? Yeah. I needed to take a break for awhile.

I've been meaning to come back on this site recently, but kept avoiding it because I'm intimidated by all the people who have come since I've left and how everyone has set their place on this site. I was afraid that I'd be criticized for dropping off immediately, told that people worried that I died or something.

Well, no, I didn't die.

So I'll tell you a little about what I have been doing.
I go to school, where I take four academic classes as well as a physical education class (not required, but I put it in my schedule for sanity's sake). I'm surprised (pleasantly surprised, that is) that I really like my classes for the most part.

I've met some cool people. Made some friends.
Hmm....trying to figure out what else is new, but maybe I'll just make a list....its easier and probably less painful for you to have to read a list rather than a large block of text.

What has changed since I was last on this site:
--re-questioning my sexual orientation
--experiencing physical changes, the masculinization of my body
--my best friend, Z
--getting my hair cut even shorter
--went to a wedding (ooooh, yay,...excuse to wear a tight-fitting dress X.X ugh)
--I began full disclosure with my theraipst
--gotten 3 touchdowns in my football class
--watched the DC Marathon (Marine Corps Marathon)
--went over to a guy's apartment (first time) alone (first time)
--walked outside in the dark alone
--extended my clean streak (today is 89 days, I think)
--socializing more comfortably with guys than gals
--body changes?

Those are some of them. Sure there've been the bad, but I guess I'll try and leave those short and brief. I know people don't like to read about that much anyway.

My depression, anxiety, and OCD, have not gotten better, really. In some respects, they have. But these last few days have been pretty tough. I'm still seeing my therapist every week and we've been discussing the hospital / crisis center, to try and ultimately figure out what's best and most needed for myself. This is not known by my parents because it would be going against a lot of what they say to do/not to do. I've been teetering on the edge of breaking my clean streak.

I've also had trouble maintaining healthy relationships. I'm trying. Its still hard for me to believe someone when they tell me they're around for me all the time. Its nice, I guess, but I end up just getting hurt in the end.

I've come out to more people as trans* and or genderqueer, however, for the most part these coming outs were done as an impulse when I was lacking sleep, and therefore my judgment was off. I did, however, come out in a major paper I had to write for one of my classes.

Got a new dog after 1/4 year without a dog. This new dog is great, though she can be a little wild at times. She is the best cuddler I know.

I have therapy today which is good because I need to process a lot of stuff. A lot comes out of these major holidays, since I'm surrounded by family all the time for the long weekends and such.

I go back to school today, and I have two classes.
Oh, and I have my classes picked out for spring semester!!

Lately, I've been debating moving out of the house sometime soonish? I don't know. I don't feel ready, to be honest, but my dysphoria is so bad right now because I have to be the girl my parents see in me.

One of my triggers that has gotten worse in the past week or so is the triggers I have coming from someone within my family. Its hard to overcome and I'm debating its importance in terms of if I have to tell my therapist.

Lately, if I told you how I have been doing my nighttime routine, you'd say like I sounded like a victim or someone experiencing flashbacks. I haven't slept in my room for maybe 9 months now? And now I sleep with the lights on. I'm sorry to waste electricity, but I have to. I've stopped sleeping on the floor, though that's more out of trying to make my mom stop nagging me.

Well, off to go write a paper. I've been procrastinating worse than ever. Ugh.

Well, keep me posted. I'm going to slowly transition to coming back on here. And hopefully this post isn't too dry and boring.

'til later,
Eli