So, my best friend was arrested for shoplifting. I told you that already. She has to pay a 200 dollar fine by December 21st or else the judge will send her to some sort of youth home for troubled teens. She doesn't have a job, doesn't have enough money, and the odds of her finding a job and getting her first check before the 21st are slim. So what do I do? I offer to pay for half the fine.

I don't know why I offered. I mean fuck, it was her decision to shoplift. That shouldn't be my problem. Her boyfriend offered to pay for it too, so I proposed that the three of us split it evenly and she can pay the two of us back after she finds a job. She hasn't accepted my offer yet. She hasn't turned it down either. I can't even tell you why I'm willing to surrender some of my hard-earned money to pay for her poor decisions. Any feelings I had for her are gone, and I'm 100% certain of that. She's a great friend, but she's not THAT great.

I guess I'm doing it for selfish purposes. Maybe I'm doing it not to make her happy, but to make me happy. So I can feel like I did someone a huge favor, so I can feel like I'm a generous person. I don't know. I've done a lot for that girl and she recognizes it, but not for very long. If I pay part of this fine, she'll appreciate it for awhile, but eventually she'll forget about it. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

But anyway, my sick aunt. I visited her a few days ago. I listened to her talk for four hours while my dad replaced the tiles in her bathroom. And oddly enough, I enjoyed every minute of it. The woman is just so quirky and hilarious, and I admire the fact that she's kept her unusual sense of humor throughout her battle with liver cancer. She did pretty much all of the talking; I just sat back and listened. I almost didn't want to leave. The poor woman lives in a trailer on the outskirts of a town even smaller than mine, and she's all alone. No one but her cat for company.

I just feel so sorry for her. She doesn't deserve to live alone, but her trailer is too small for my grandma (her sister) to stay with her. Though it did depress me a bit, I got to know my aunt a bit better that day, and I really wish we would have been closer before this point. She feels the same way. She told me a million times. I think I can learn a lot from that woman. She probably has hundreds of stories to tell, and I wanna hear them all before she leaves us. Hopefully we'll see each other a few more times.

I know this is a day early, but happy Thanksgiving everybody. Tomorrow I'm spending half the day with my dad (ugh), the other half with my mom's entire family. I LOVE Thanksgiving at my grandma's. It goes the same way every year. Grandma slaves away in the kitchen, and even after dinner is served, she's always up and about, making sure everyone is stuffed before she takes a single bite. Grandpa and my uncle force small talk about deer hunting and farming. My cousins, even though one is twenty and the other is in college, act like a couple of goofballs. We say our prayers, we talk about school and the future, we talk about the other old ladies that are on the church committee with my grandma.

I wouldn't trade it for anything. It feels right, being with my family every holiday. We're not very intimate or mushy or anything, we don't hug each other or anything, but I can still feel that we are very close.

Even though it's a month before Christmas, I already have a list made. Really all I want is basically:
-A bunch of band T-shirts (Queens of the Stone Age, Foo Fighters, Breaking Benjamin, System of a Down, Weezer, ect.)
-A bunch of books (namely A Clockwork Orange, Requiem for a Dream, I Am the Messenger, etc)
-A new iPod, because mine is doing obnoxious things and it's kinda old
-A shit ton of money

I'd love to buy presents for some close friends and my mom and sister. I guess I'll just ask what they want and if it's not too expensive I can dig into my savings. Before this year I never had the money to buy anyone anything, but now that I have it, I really wanna buy people shit.

So, newspaper girl. I know I talk about her ALL THE TIME, so if you wanna skip this part feel free. I won't be mad. I promise. So my two friends constantly tease me, right? They're always tormenting me, but they do it playfully. Fine. Whatever. I can take it. But in P.E they do it all the time in front of NG. And I worry that them constantly putting me down in front of her is getting in the way of her seeing the real me. I worry that his makes her see me as a kid that's always picked on, someone that needs pitying. In fact, I sometimes wonder if NG only talks to me because she feels sorry for me.

The possibility is almost too much to take. I'm really not a pitiful loser who lets her friends mess with her. I don't want NG's pity. I want her friendship (and her number, and one day her hand in marriage :P) and I just wish I could have one P.E period without my two friends there to pick on me and babble on and on to NG so I have to sit there and be the quiet loser. I want NG to see me as a compassionate, confident, funny, adorable girl. But sometimes I'm just. So. AWKWARD.

So yeah, my confidence about this whole NG situation is always changing. One day things are going awesome and I think I can get her number, the next day we barely speak to each other and I just sit back quietly while my two friends talk NG's ear off.

But just walking to the bowling alley with her walking right next to me is wonderful. We don't even have to be speaking to each other. Just her sitting next to me in the bowling alley, or standing next to me while we wait for the bell to ring, or looking at me and smiling all sweetly after I bowl a strike is enough to make me one happy girl. Or when she writes compliments on my reviews for the newspaper, that makes me happy too. And whenever I manage to make her laugh, even just a little giggle, I feel AWESOME. It's such a weird rush and I can't describe it.

Just one more thing: our newspaper staff only has 10 people, so we're doing this whole secret Santa thing, and I am really stressing about it. What do you buy for this kind of thing? I have no fucking idea. What if I buy a lame ass gift and we do the random exchange and NG ends up with said lame ass gift? I don't know what to buy that would please any girl that receives it. Suggestions would be much appreciated.

Good night ya'll.