No matter how many times you apologize I doubt you will ever be able to fully comprehend how much you've hurt me. You can never understand they way my throat aches as I write this, the way my hands tremble, or the way the weight of your loss can actually cause me physical pain. You're still the first person I want to tell whenever something happens in my life. Sometimes I still wish I could ask you to tell me every single detail about your day no matter how tedious, and you're still the person I constantly stalk on facebook even though some of the things I see there make me want to run away and never look back.
I know I told you I wanted to make peace with you, to forgive you, but I can't. I've been trying so hard, but everytime I think about your sheepish grin, or your soft voice I can feel tears beckoning, and I wish things that no human being should ever wish upon another. As much as I try not to hate you I fail every time. I find myself wishing you were in my place, that you were the one abandoned and betrayed, that you were the one who still can't understand why, and that you were the one who sometimes sits in his car during lunch at work and cries so hard his hands grow numb.
I used to have hope that one day you would come back. I wasted months on this hope, a hope that you nursed by saying that the times we shared were some of the best of your life, that you thought we had the most chemistry and potential of anyone you'd met, and that you hoped this wouldn't be the end of us all the while hiding from me that you had met someone else.
Why should he get to have you? Was he the boy who you kissed under the limbs of the sequoia as the sun set over the west hills? Was he the one you held in your arms as you told him all your wishes for happiness had finally come true? Was he the one dancing with you at Jen and Jen's wedding? Was he the one you spent hours in your car listening to the radio as you held each other and stared into each other's eyes never wanting to leave? Was he the one you said you were falling in love with? No in case you have forgotten that boy was me!!! I was the one who you said you'd been waiting your whole life for. What happened to me?
Did he fight for you? Did he put up with all that drama from your ex? Did he suffer heartbreak time after time after time just in the hopes that eventually you would mend it again? Did he bow and scrape to find a job with no work experience on short notice because he knew you were having money problems and wanted to help? Did he ignore everyone and stay with you through the good and the bad because he loved you? I FOUGHT FOR YOU!!!! I fought for you, I waited for you, I believed you when you told me we'd be ok again, I stuck with you, I fought for you as best I could even though it was breaking my heart, and you threw me away.
You have no idea how it felt to find out from someone who wasn't even you that you were with someone else. And now I have to sit here and suffer with the knowledge that he will get the chance that I never did just because he showed up at the right time. I FUCKING FOUGHT FOR YOU!!!!!! I gave you my all, I did the best I could to make you happy, I believed you when you said you were falling in love with me; I was so stupid.
Do you know what if felt like for me to hear, from you, that after all the suffering I'd gone through, after all the times we shared, after everytime I cried, and after all the times I fought for you, that my heartbreak was just collateral damage, an acceptable loss for you to find the life you wanted? I don't care what you say to defend or justify your actions, what you did was wrong. You used me, you lied to me, you cheated on me, you betrayed me, and you hurt me more than anyone ever has. You will never be able to repair the damage you have done. No matter how hard I try to improve my life, to focus on anything positive, to do something constructive, it never manages to undo the pain you've caused. You have erased my hopes and dreams with your selfish heart, you have damaged me as a human being, and I don't understand how you live with yourself.
This is a letter I wrote to my ex. I plan on sending it to him as a way to gain closure, after that I never want to hear from him again.