Thanksgiving wasn't much fun. In fact, it was horrible. It made me realize that I do not belong in my family. I am the black sheep of my mom's side of the family (hence the title of this here journal).
My grandma was talking about a magazine article she read about the most wholesome, religous states in the country, and my aunt said, word for word, "I used to think Iowa was a really good state, until they started letting the gays get married." And everybody agreed. She said "the gays" with so much disgust, like it's a fucking disease or something. I tensed up, and I could feel the anger, but I just sat there, gripping my glass of water until I thought it would break. I said nothing.
I let the anger fester inside me for the rest of the meal. I didn't speak much. I really don't belong with those people. Most of their conversations revolve around religion, around church. I'm a gay atheist with liberal views born into a family of conservative, devoutly Christian farmers.
I don't like being around my own family much anymore. We'll never be close. Thanksgiving made me question everything. When I get married, will my family be there, even if they don't agree with my choice? Will they pretend to be happy, will they even try to hide their disgust? If I'm happy the way I am, why should it matter to them?
Thanksgiving was a huge setback, to say the least. And to think I was so close to coming out to my mom. I know what she'll do. She'll call my grandparents, my aunt, and bitch to them about how I'm wrecking my life. I can just imagine becoming the family's dirty secret. Sure, they'll never bring it up when I'm around, but I can imagine the conversations they'll have amongst themselves, in their homes.
I'm completely alone in my family. I'm nothing like them. I don't belong. Family gatherings aren't fun anymore. I hate to admit this, but I feel so much resentment towards them, because they'd never accept me. They wave their Bibles around, flaunt their old-fashioned family values for the small-town church to see. They mean well and they're good people, I know, but...their faith has made them ignorant. Judgemental.