I remember the day so many years ago that my stepdad showed me the engagement ring he'd gotten for my mother. It was beautiful, nestled gently in a black ring box. He wanted me to hide it in the christmas tree on christmas eve when he had her sort of distracted. It was in that moment that I realized my mom had found someone worthwhile. He was the only man I'd want my mom to marry.
He meant so much to the family. To me, he represented a great amount of hope. I saw him and didn't feel as much like I would have to worry about my mom and what would happen once I moved out.
Bring time forward about five or six years. He's having an affair, and they've separated. So much for hope.
Along with that, my grandmother has pancreatic cancer and not too much time left. The first guy I'd ever had any real feelings for broke up with me. My mother took my brothers and moved back to Texas. I am still jobless. I am lonely. I'm doing poorly in classes. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I allowed myself very little time to actually feel all this.
A week ago while showering I got the inexplicable urge to just cry. So I laid there in a ball on the tiles and cried for a half hour.
Yesterday, I was having some technical difficulties with my scanner. So I did the completely reasonable thing and hit it so hard that I bled.
I have so much rage and pain pent up, and I don't know what to do with it. So I put it away. And instead I feel nothing.