FUCK journal loss. WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY I DON’T EVEN THAT IS ANNOYING.
Anyway, I’ll quickly retype what I had.
I’m so glad the week is finally almost over. Tomorrow’s a half day so easy day for me, although there’ll probably be homework I realise then that I forgot to do.
Seems like there always is.
And I’ve been so tired recently. Like so so tired. Mentally and physically. Like I lay down and I feel slightly how I imagine Winston felt in 1984 after being beaten then thrown into a cell to recuperate for a few hours before being beaten again. I imagine, while he was lying there, he’d feel so grateful and good to just be able to lie and consolidate some meager strength. He had nothing to do, but that was fine, even if he was just lying there he’d be able to bask in the pleasure of just doing nothing.
Whenever I lay down I just feel so good to not be doing anything. I imagine most of it all is traceable back to lack of sleep, my scapegoat for everything. I think that cause I feel great at camp, not tired at all, and camp is where I get enough sleep every single night. So fucking awesome. And these dark school days I just feel so fucking exhausted all fucking day… :P
Life, thou art a cruel mistress :P
Anyway, my friend Cupcake lent me her journal. Yeah, heavy shit in there. We were in a “relationship” back in 8th grade, and in fact I wrote all about it on here, and I directed her here, in exchange for her hard journal. And so in her journal which was started after the fact, there’s still a lot of shit about how she loves me… Almost makes you feel bad for being gay. Then you remember that it doesn’t fucking matter because it’s the fucking person you are, so why not just be happy instead?
Speaking of people who “love” me, Daniel’s being annoying as shit. Daniel’s the kid at camp that according to my friend I didn’t technically lose my virginity to cause blowjobs don’t count. I’ll leave it at that.
Anyway, after camp ended, I wasn’t too interested in continuing the arrangement for what I thought were obvious reasons (I didn’t even like the kid. We weren’t in a relationship, we were fuck buddies, I was with him cause he was hot, gay, and right there, not cause of any virtue of…well… anything. He was fucking annoying, judgemental, and a total embodiement of everything gay stereotype. Now that he’s not right here, I’d rather not try long-distance, cause by definition you can’t be long-distance fuck buddies, and I ain’t interested in anything else)
But he didn’t take a hint, and kept hitting me up on gmail, and I humored at first, chatted with him, and then got annoyed by his demanding a picture of my cock, and made myself invisible.
And so the only contact we’ve had has been him emailing me and saying he loves me and he’s sorry and shit, which is easy to ignore.
But he got my phone number from…I dunno, someone, a mutual friend, and now he’s been calling me all the fucking time. I’m probably too nice. Cause I should just tell him to fuck off, would be best, but I’d feel bad doing that. But it would be best for all concerned I’m sure. Is that a good idea?
Cause seriously, he’s a year younger than me, and I know jack shit about love now, and I surely knew jack shit about love a year ago, but at least I know enough to know that I KNOW FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT LOVE and I know YOU CAN’T FUCKING LOVE SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNOW AND FUCKED ONCE.
Now, I could go into a rant of all the things I hate about him, but there’s no reason too, even though I’m tempted to.
Hell, I will.
He didn’t like one of my friends at camp I’ll call Gingey cause he said “she’s a slut” and he was always giving her the cold shoulder. That pissed me off. First off, she’s a fucking virgin. Second, even if she was a fucking slut, I don’t care jack shit about who or what or how anyone likes to fuck, I only hang around people if they’re generally pleasant to be around (exception for Daniel, being hot and gay), which leads me to number 3, which is that GINGEY IS THE FUCKING SHIT, she’s so cool and pleasant and chill, I don’t see how anyone doesn’t love her. Oh, and fourth, how is she the fucking slut, when he’s demanding a picture of my cock? Jesus, Daniel.
She’s like the first girl I think I could really connect to in a pseudo-romantic ultra chill emotional way, and I think if it came to that I might be able to fuck with her. Not as readily as I’d fuck Daniel, but whatevs.
And also Daniel was really aggressive about refusing to do anything I wanted to do. At camp, most of our time to hang out together was time when there’d be a field game, usually switching between ultimate frisbee and soccer every other day. But Daniel wouldn’t have none of that. If I didn’t shun them just to be with him and talk with him, then he’d get really mopey and shitty and blame me for a whole bunch of shit.
Finally, worst of all, he was UBER un-chill. One of the worst qualities I think humans ever possess. I heard from his tent group that he cried himself to sleep like every night. Jesus, man, calm down, life isn’t that bad. He took everything personally and made it dramatic. I take almost nothing personally. I can’t even think of anything someone could call me or do to me that would make me get really offended. Well, maybe do to me some things, but you get the point. His philosophy was, if I wasn’t with him at every spare moment I had, other things were more important than him and therefore I hated him.
I resent him for taking from some of the best moments I’ve ever had. Playing field games with the wonderful, beautiful people at camp.
Whatever, I guess.
Well, after a very unproductive journal, I had an idea for a philisophical one that I was going to put on here as an addendum, but I guess not, seeing how long this is, and it would be tainted by the unproductiveness above. So, keeping my own personal shit out of it tomorrow will be a priority, and I’ll post another slightly more interesting journal about something really philisophical. I bet you can hardly wait…