But I'm feeling talkative. So, I realized something odd. I have never raised my voice in anger at another person. In a joking, fake-anger kind of way, yes, I have. But I have never yelled out of genuine anger in my life. Maybe as a toddler, but that doesn't really count. This realization led to another one-- I don't know how to express anger. When somebody does something that upsets me, I don't tell them. I try to deal with it on my own so I don't have to deal with the drama of telling that person how I feel. I have a lot that I need to say to certain people who have pissed me off, but I can't express my anger.
I just...don't know how. I just kinda let it simmer on its own. Like, one of my friends has really tremendously hurt me, and made me mad, but I can't explain it to her. For a variety of reasons. The biggest reason is that I try to tell myself that my anger and hurt aren't justified, that it's stupid for me to feel that way and she'll think that too. I also don't want to start an argument. I'm a major pacifist-- I'll never initiate any kind of confronation. Ever. Basically I'm a fucking doormat.
So yeah. Just gonna face this on my own. It's better that way.
My mom is in Las Vegas for her 40th birthday. I don't understand why; she doesn't drink or gamble. I guess she just wants to see the sights. I really hope she has fun. She deserves a break from work...and me. Hehe. My grandparents are staying here until she comes back, which is both good and bad. Bad because I like being left alone, and I hope they can give me my space. And my grandpa can't hear worth a shit, so he keeps the volume on the upstairs TV so damn loud that I can barely hear my TV downstairs. But it's also good, cuz I can enjoy my grandma's cooking (I get pie!!), and I do like seeing my grandparents. I hope I don't get sick of them.
I found a photo album with pictures of my cousin in Iraq. He died in the war a couple years ago. His death was so pointless, a waste of a life. Now his son can't even remember what his dad looks like (his son was two when he died). These pictures I saw disgusted me. They were of my cousin partying in Iraq. Pictures of him drinking, posing with his gun like he's trying to be a badass...like it was all fun and games for him, like a vacation. I can't explain it. That's just the feeling I got when I saw the pictures. And it pissed me off. The war in Iraq is such a fucking joke, and he treated it like one too, and now he's gone.
Confession time: I have really bad acne on my back. I know. It's kinda gross. So my mom bought me Proactiv, that fancy acne shit that's endorsed by Katy Perry and Justin Bieber and other pop radio whores. It's the most expensive treatment money can buy, and it. Doesn't. WORK. It does at first, but it gets rid of a few pimples and then it's useless. So don't ever buy Proactiv. I'm using other less expensive products to try to get rid of my backne--it's the only thing on my body that I'm truly ashamed of. I hate taking my shirt off in the girls' locker room for P.E and exposing my disgusting back to everyone (including newspaper girl). Even though this probably isn't the case, I feel like everyone's staring at it. So I change my shirt in the corner, so nobody sees it.
Newspaper girl was not at school today. I was very sad. I mean that. I was legitimately sad. Like worse than I ever thought I would be. This is not a good sign. I don't want to suffer through a major gigantic crush. A minor casual crush is fine, but not a big one. I've only had two major huge epic crushes before, and they almost killed me. One of them still is, kinda. So no. Can't afford a third one.
I've been having these really mushy romantic daydreams lately. It's probably newspaper girl's fault, but...I always get these dreams of meeting the perfect girl and holding her hand in the school halls shamelessly and taking her to the riverfront and staring into the water together while talking about life. I dream of us making each other laugh until we also pee in our pants, of us cuddling up at the end of the day and falling asleep in each other's arms.
All of that cheesy romantic shit. I'm thinking waaayyyy too far ahead here, but...I want someone to share the rest of my life with. Haha. I'm only 16 and I'm already thinking about serious commitments. I find this super weird.