Happy stuff
Hi guys. It's been a little while.
I'm going on vacation in a few days so it's gonna be a while again. :P
But some awesome stuff has been going on recently.
Um. First. This morning I satisfactorily explained my social anxiety problems to my dad. I told him it was like everyone has lasers for eyes and anyone could just kill you with their laser beam eyes on a whim and they'd get away with it and also nobody has a conscience... I really liked my comparison but he had no idea what I was saying (probably partially my fault because my description towards him was just as articulate as I was just now. XD; ). I then explained it to him again with less lasers and more literalness so he says he gets it now. This is good because he's been really insensitive about it, but only because he didn't understand it at all, I think he'll start doing better. :)
(And I'm perfectly aware that I get super-duper insensitive when I don't get something, which is something I'm trying to work on... Butyeah.)
My dad's friend happened to be there, she said that I seem really confident. That made me laugh a little. I don't feel a bit confident, I guess I've gotten good at hiding it...? Like, I definitely have friends that, if I told them I have social anxiety, am really shy, AND introverted they'd be like "WHAT? No way!" But they've never seen that side of me.
I always figured that everyone faked it, but I guess that having to fake it to the extent that I have to is unusual...? I don't know. I don't have any idea what it's like to be other people. But considering how much people misunderstand it, I guess it is unusual. *shrugs*
She's so sweet though, my dad's friend. She's funny and nice and sings really well. She's been living with us because she's looking for a new place to live up here. (She just escaped New Jersey.) This morning she was talking about this man she has a crush on, and it was kind of adorable in a way, to see someone my dad's age get all flustered and timid about a guy. Haha. They were talking and my dad told her "just ask him out for dinner" and she was like "You make it sound so easy". I guess I kind of forgot that adults can get like that too.
Anyway, I bought a ukulele, it's wonderful and adorable. I'm gonna be carrying tons of stuff with me on vacation since I'll be on trains and buses and in other people's cars, so I figured a Ukulele is a lot more travel-sized than a guitar, and it's still very fun. :]
And I'm going to art school in less than a month which is kinda scary, but really exciting.
AND and I'm going to see a Pixies concert in October and that's super-fantastic.
Andandandum.
I had a really wonderful conversation with my best friend last night and it's just like "AGH WHY CAN'T YOU LIVE NEAR ME." basically. I dunno, sometimes I think the distance is a good thing because I tend to get sick of people when they're around too much, but most of the time I'm just like "It'd be so nice if I could just visit you on a whim". I'd go to his house during rain storms and we'd sit outside and watch.
I could keep going on about stuff like this for quite some time but I'll stop. XD; I'm in a pretty good mood right now despite being a bit of an emotional roller coaster last night and then subsequently getting very little sleep.
Anyway, I'm gonna go back to learning songs on the Ukulele. If my printer was working I'd print a buncha chord charts for my trip but it's not. Hm.
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Comments
I'm glad that your dad is
I'm glad that your dad is being more sensitive about your social anxiety. Parents can be very meh about their kids' problems sometimes, but they mean well.
I don't think every single person lacks confidence and fakes it. There are plenty of really confident people, but I think all of us have some insecurities. My confidence level is...moderate. It's definitely better than it used to be.
Also, I can totally relate to your long distance friendship. It can really suck, knowing that you can't drive to their house any random day and run into their house and tackle-hug them.
He's trying. :] He wants to
He's trying. :] He wants to help but sometimes he just doesn't know how. I appreciate him so much though.
I've got this tendency to assume that I'm average... Turns out I'm not.
YES YES EXACTLY. And when they're in a bad mood you can't just randomly show up with cupcakes. And when you want to get away from your house you can't just show up over there and be like "Hi I'm sleeping over" just because it's so farrrrr.
Ohoh also, I approve of the Spiderman icon. I have a spider man pencil tin sitting on my desk currently. :]
I KNOW! It's so frustrating.
I KNOW! It's so frustrating. Long distance friendships suck sometimes. Ya can't take them to the mall and show them off to your other friends who aren't as awesome as your long distance buddy. That just figures--my friend who lives hundreds of miles away is a better buddy than my real life friends :|
Why thank you. I rather enjoy this icon :P
Hello :3
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That's redick!
Why hello there, girl who I
Why hello there, girl who I was referring to in my previous comment :)
Ah... Confidence.
I used to be really socially anxious too. Like I still am with phones. I absolutely hate phone calls or speaking where people can't hear me very much, or I can't hear them. Not understanding what's being communicated bothers me.
But the fact is, over the years, I forced myself to do more and more things that made me uncomfortable. I reasoned with myself over being anxious. I think the real deal breaker has been doing speeches in front of my classmates- They loved me! It's things like that that pushed me to become confident.
There just comes an a-ha moment where you kinda realize that it's better to be proud of you who are and how you act, and being around other people is necesarry and easy. You shouldn't care what people think of you, because by being shy and quiet, people often tend to only think that of you. But when you break open and entertain people, and ask 'em out, and be a go-getter, it just stays that way. You give power to yourself. It's a wonderful feeling.
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That's redick!
I hate having to speak up.
I hate having to speak up. If we're somewhere loud and I have to raise my voice to be heard I'd rather just not talk. I don't think that's an anxiety thing so much as a comfort thing for me though. I also hate phones but I think I've made that pretty clear. |D; I'm at a point where can use them if I have to without much trouble, but I'll avoid it if I can. Heh.
I do push myself into uncomfortable situations, sometimes it goes well, and other times I turn into a grumpy anxiety ball that hates everyone. XD; But I'm not the biggest fan of social outings to begin with, and I'm not going to go out and do something when I don't want to just for the sake of pushing myself. Then I'll just get cranky and nobody wants that. :P
My improvements seem to happen independent of each other though. Like, I can play music and sing in front of a crowd just fine (okay, I'll shake a little, but it doesn't bother me.) but I can't go up to a store clerk and say "oh hey can you show me where [item] is?" without freaking out inside.
Most of the stuff I have trouble with is like... I often don't speak up when I have ideas, or help people when I know how to. I think most of my social anxiety is tied to my self-worth issues at this point, which is something I'm working on. I do need to learn to be more assertive though, for my own sake.
I'm not always shy and quiet though. It depends on the situation, I'm often friendly and open. I fake being confident but I don't really fake my personality beyond that... I like who I am well enough, I'm just not convinced anyone else does. >_>
I don't exactly want to be a social butterfly though. Anxiety or no anxiety, I'm pretty introverted and I like it that way. *shrugs*
....Leave it to me to write comments twice the size of the ones I'm responding to. |D;
Don't worry about the size :P
You sound just like me though XD I still don't like asking where something is, how to do things, buying food at drive-thrus, etc. I just realized like "holy fuck I have to get over this or I'll be terrible at life!"
I think that's funny that you can play music and sing though. I would burst into tears. XD
I used to hate big parties with more than like five people, but as long as I know them all now, I don't mind it. Most of my anxiety is like, with asking for help. Since I got hit all the time and called stupid when Iwas wrong, it's kinda ingrained. But if I calm myself down and rationalize things, then I do a lot better.
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That's redick!
I mean for me, most of the
I mean for me, most of the stuff I -need- to do, I can do on a functional level. I spent a lot of time freaking out a few months ago because "OMG I'm moving out and I can't do phones calls!" But then I had all of this medical shit and I -had- to. (I guess that's one good thing that came out of that.) I still don't like calling people, but I can do it without sitting in front of a phone and freaking out for an hour.
If I can do something on a base level when I couldn't before, I'm usually pretty happy with that. It's not like I'm gonna start calling up my friends when just because I'm bored, but I've got other stuff that needs my attention. I don't like when people try to decide my priorities for me. It's like, this is my emotional junk, I'm handling it, and I know my life better than you, so back off. |D;
Haha I guess. I can sing and play music in front of a crowd but I can't really talk to a crowd. I get super nervous if it's not something I've practiced to death. Heh. I need to loosen up; I'm too much of a perfectionist. (I'm sure art school cover that for me though.)
Parties become a problem for me when they're big enough that people split off into separate groups doing different things. If everyone is participating in one activity then I'm cool, even if I don't know everyone. But if there are some people eating, and some people watching something, and some people playing a game, my brain just frizzes out. Like, kaput.
I don't like dealing with authority or feeling like someone else has power over me, and in a way, everyone does. Hence my laser analogy. I usually feel pretty worthless and powerless. I think that a lot of my trouble is related to that... I know why that'd be the case too but long story is long. Pfff.
Which school are you going
Which school are you going to go to? I've started trying to apply to colleges, and omygosh it's so overwhelming.
I'm still that way with phone calls though. :/ Even if it's someone that I know pretty well I have to plan out what I'm going to say ahead of time before I dial and go over it a bunch of times. It's so nerve-wrackig.