I'm angry because at some point I realized I was dreaming so I bought a pumpkin pie, and I never got the chance to eat it. :[ I was so excited about it too! I guess this means I have to make a pumpkin pie sometime. One that doesn't taste like soy or tofu or something.

I hate when you get vegan stuff and it looks delicious and then you taste it and you're like "this tastes like soy and sugar" I mean. What the hell? Soy isn't the only goddamn substitute in the world, and often other things are far more suitable. Like, for mild tasting stuff, you don't want to use soy because instead of having something mild tasting, you'll have something soy tasting. If I wanted my food to taste like soy I wouldn't be eating a fucking desert. :P

Oh, and in my dream some girl flirted with me by literally putting her dirty foot in my food. Complete stranger. I'm not sure why, but I thought it was cute. If that actually happened I'd be like "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Even if the girl had dimples and three colors in her hair (which she did.)

I guess that's my subconscious' commentary on the way I let people treat me. Thank you subconscious. I wasn't already painfully aware that I am a doormat that people walk all over and dig their scummy shoes into. :P

I guess the problem is that I want to be nice, and I like to avoid conflict... But I also have no sense of self worth. Hence the doormat business. Being nice and avoiding conflict aren't bad things but I end up in situations where I get hurt and for no good reason, and I don't do anything about it because I'm always convinced that it's not that big of a deal. Why don't I think it's a big deal? Because it doesn't matter if I get hurt. I can deal with it but I guess I've failed to realize that I shouldn't have to.

I don't think it would've been so bad but it was a repeated offense thing. I wasn't harassed by my friends just once, it was often enough that I got used to it. They didn't intend to hurt me but they did. They might not even know it actually. It's really hard not to secretly resent them when they drop friends over much milder things. XP If I was half as fickle as they were, we would've stopped being friends ages ago. Sometimes I want to tell them that but I don't because of the same conflict-avoiding business.

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The other day I was mentioning to someone how I, for whatever the reason, don't make friends as easily as my peers. It's not that I'm not friendly to people, it's that I never make plans with people. In school friends stay in school friends. Con friends stay con friends. This might change soon since I have con friends in/near Boston, where I'll be living, who already want to make plans with me once I'm living there. But that's all new to me.

Like, the list of people I talk to regularly and hang out with? It has one person on it that it didn't when I started high school. one. The best part being that I didn't meet him in school, I met him online. Go figure. :P

To be fair, for a while I tried really hard to get Blackbelt (a guy I had a mega crush on some time back, but later got over, and then had a falling-out with. I didn't meet him in high school either.) on that list but that just wasn't happening. We were too awkward and he's too... Conflict prone? There's nothing for us to talk about anymore because I hate small talk and he's too aggressive/defensive to really talk with about anything else... It's annoying because I can't mention him anymore without my friends going "Oh he's a jerk" and badmouthing him... I really hate that because I don't think he's a jerk. I think he's troubled, oblivious, and that our personalities aren't very compatible, but that doesn't make him a jerk.

It's a shame though because his parents are great. Haha. His dad is goofy and they're both really nice.

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But back to what I was saying before I went on the Blackbelt tangent... I have friends with multiple groups of friends that they talk to online, and make plans with, and that sort of thing, and they always seem to be changing and... I don't understand it. Like, I can't keep track of my friend's friends, even the close ones, which isn't my business nor is it a problem but, I don't get how that happens? How do people grow close and apart so quickly? I can open up and connect with people in seconds given the right scenario, but that's different from feeling close to them.

I'm not upset about it or anything I just... Don't get it. It's completely foriegn to me. Heh.

And yes, I'm very tangent-prone today... Not that this is any different from usual.

Later