She knows.
My mom found the LGBT book I was reading that my counselor gave me. Which means she can probably put the pieces together and figure out I'm gay. This is horrible. HORRIBLE. I'm not ready to be out to her yet. I needed time to prepare, to be more comfortable with myself. She hasn't confronted me about finding it yet, but I know she will. And I have no idea what to expect. Will she say I'm being stupid, that I'm not really gay? Will she yell at me, disown me, kick me out of the house? Will it change the course of our relationship, will she be ashamed of me?
I'm terrified. Scared out of my wits. I'm walking on eggshells.
I know she found the book, because it was hiding under a stack of papers on my desk. Normally my mom is good about keeping her nose out of my stuff. But after I got back from driving class, the papers had been moved and the cover was showing. And the book was on the other side of the desk.
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. When I walked by her room last night, I think I heard her crying. Is it because of the book? I'm on edge, wondering what she thinks of me. When will she bring it up? I've only spoken to her once since last night, and she couldn't look me in the eyes.
What the hell am I suppose to say to her?
I'm not ready for this. Not even close to ready. How can I make my mother accept my sexuality when I'm still in the process of accepting it myself?
I think it's necessary to mention that throughout this extremely scary situation, Shelby (some of you only know her as Dracofang) has been unbelievably supportive of me. When I was panicking about it last night, Shelby was there to calm me down. She stayed up talking to me on gmail until I had control of my panic. I really don't think I could've gotten through the fear if she hadn't been there. Seriously. I owe her a lot. Some of you think she's some awful opinionated bitch, when she's really a big, sweet softie. She's a great friend, and I appreciate her friendship sooooo much.
Oop, you're secret is out Shelby. Oasis knows you're really a softie. Hehehe, sorry.
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Comments
You could deny it and say
You could deny it and say you're just reading it 'cause you're interested in different types of people... and then over the next few weeks leave lots of books lying around about racial groups, religions, etc... it's what I used to do to avoid scrutiny from my parents about my library books.
Or you can bite the bullet and if she brings it up, you can be honest and tell her what you're going through. It doesn't seem like you want to be the one starting the conversation, let alone talk to your mom about it, so just leave the issue unless she brings it up.
I know the feeling of being "outed", having somebody find out about your sexuality before you're ready. Thinking about it as I type this out still hurts, but... we're here, okay? Even if things go terribly wrong you have support. Know that. And we love and accept you for who you are.
Denying it doesn't seem like
Denying it doesn't seem like the best course of action. For now, my mom is being kinda quiet, but I sense her edgy-ness. If it gets brought up, I'll just have to face the questions and the reaction. It's the unpredictability that really has me scared. She could be calm, she could be furious, she could laugh it off. I just wasn't ready for this.
And thank you so much. I need all the support I can get. <3
HOW DARE YOU TELL EVERYONE
But I really was worried about you <3
Anyways, I'm home from school now, so I've just got private lessons and then I'll be here :P Let me know if anything's happened!!...
-
That's redick!
You are just so awesome <3
Thanks Shelby :)
If you're afraid about when
If you're afraid about when she will bring it up, my advice would be to tell her yourself - that way, you're more in control of the conversation than she is, and it's on your own terms.
Of course, this is far from an easy thing to do. But we're here! (: (L)
I didn't really plan on
I didn't really plan on telling her for, like, another couple of years. But it looks like I may have to tell her sooner than I wanted to. The problem is I just don't know when to tell her, how to tell her, how to answer any questions she may ask. I'm nowhere near ready.
And it's sooo nice to have people's support, thank you :D
One question... Have you
One question... Have you ever mentioned or brought up the term gay around her? Before I came out, I would hint around at the idea or if it was brought up I would plainly ask the people watching or listening how they felt or viewed homosexuality. I did this before telling my mom.. awhile before telling her. I was terrrified to tell her. I actually never said it. this is how it went.
me: mom i need to talk to you
mom: are you ok?.....are you moving in with a guy?are you pregnant? do i need to get a cigarette?
me: no mom, no,, and yess :-)
mom: ok
me:(basically stuttering and not knowing how to say im BISEXUAL)
so she just askes me random questions mainly towards guys and if i am leaving. i tell her no it has nothing to do with guys. she says do you like guys. i respond yes. wellll do you like girls? ... yessss. she says ok. and we just talked about it. no she doesnt agree with me by anymeans and kinda thnks its a phase although its not. if so its been a 15 year old phase... lol
but it is hard especially if you dont except it fully yourself. you do have to behonest with yourself and the people you care about. maybe your mom is going through something else and tht is why she is upset. maybe just asking her whats wrong and showing you care how she feels will help.
you r just trying to figure out wo you are in this crazy world. if the subject comes up explain tht to her. maybe she will understand and maybe she wont. all you can do is try
Well...
My mom's side of the family is very conservative and religious, I know that much. But as far as my mom's own personal view on homosexuality, I'm not really sure. I think she's just nuetral to the whole idea. She's not openly opposed to homosexuality, but she's not entirely supportive of it either. And when your own child is gay, that just changes everything, I'm sure.
And thanks for the advice! It's much appreciated :) Trying is all I can really do, I suppose.
That actually sounds alot
That actually sounds alot like my moms side of the family. One of the reasons I have never came out to the rest of them is because to them I dont do anything wrong. i hate being seen as this saint child. no i dont do alot of things like sleep around or do drugs or many of the things i could be involved in but i am eventually coming out more and more about the kind of person i am and its not a saint child.
my family isnt so much religious as much as they like to pick and choose when to talk about relgious stuff. dont get me wrong i am a christian but christianity is about having a relationship with God and our saviour. not about how manythings we can do right and wrong and i am in no way going to shove this down anyones throat because believe me im not perfect by any means.
but my mom rrecieved me with open arms and me n her have an amazing reltionship now. she trusts my choices and who i choose to be. at first i assumed she would blame herself or something of tht nature.
but i explained to her tht who i am is who i choose to be. it had nothing to do with her. i told her she was a great mom and she didnt mess me up. i told her i have always had an attraction to girls but i always felt it was wrong so i tried to ignore it.
it is going to be hard but do it when you r ready.
msg me sometime
Wow...
Right now, it sounds like your mom is kind of avoiding the issue. You might have some time to think this through. (Although I can't say for sure; I don't know your mom).
But anyway, I would think of what your going to say before hand. You can even write it out if you have to, but just be sure to be prepared. Having in your mind exactly what you want to communicate helps immensely.
Whatever happens, just know:
1) you have pretty much all of oasis backing you up.
2) whatever happens, life will go on.
Good luck!
The thing is, my mom can
The thing is, my mom can pounce at any time. It could be tomorrow, or a week from now, or a month from now, or a year from now. I guess I'll just have to use whatever time I have to brace myself :| And I will definitely think good and hard about what to say when the time comes. I just want her to accept me for who I am. Isn't that what all kids want from their parents?
Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me :P
Well...
The best thing is to be firm with her. She may try and get you to say you're just questioning, you're not sure, it's a phase, etc., etc., so just try and not concede any ground on this front.
But the biggest thing is to use this conversation to set the tone. You can steer how this dynamic works. You can flip it and do the "I was struggling with this on my own, which has been hard, so now I know I can lean on you for support now, too." or "You have a great opportunity to either become an important part of my life, or start pushing away from it." So, think how you want to frame it, and stick to that narrative.
If you seem uncertain and apologetic and confused, then she'll read this as optimism you might not be sure, and you'll be giving her hope to root against the truth. And if you get all weepy and "I'm sorry," it frame it as weakness and that you're not happy with it, either.
Of course, if she's not ready to deal with it, parents often have an amazing capacity to pretend they didn't see something and come up with a perfect reason why it would be there that includes you not being LGBT.
---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain
I'll keep all of those things in mind, thank you
I think that denial would be harder to deal with than disgust, in a weird way. Because my mom can be easily talked down in a situation, if you're patient enough, but she's very good at being in denial. I can definitely see her dismissing this as a phase, or simple confusion on my part.
That would be incredibly frustrating, knowing that she wouldn't take my sexuality seriously.
I just need to take time to boost up my confidence. Once I do that, I think I can prepare myself for what will hopefully be a civilized, rational conversation.
See, the thing about disgust
See, the thing about disgust is that it implies acceptance. In a strange way, I almost wished my parents had violently kicked me out of the house (I'm VERY glad they didn't because otherwise I wouldn't have this future I have in place right now) rather than ignore me for several days and then pretend nothing had happened. Ugh. I hate thinking about this.
My dad's already dismissed it as a phase- he practically laughed it off. My mom is just in denial. I think she accepts it more than my dad, though, because she was really upset.
Yeah
Well, so you're sure that she knows? Maybe she just thinks you're reading a gay book, I dunno. But the thing is, when you get scared, you get paranoid, you begin imagining that she knows and that everything she does is an indication of that she knows.
So, be sure she knows first.
Well, and next, well the rational thing to do if you're sure she knows would be to confidently and slyly just slip it into your conversations with her that you like girls.
But, emotions are irrational... :P My dad discovered this site, and so I had to come out to him, I couldn't get myself to say it, I had to do it over email, I felt like a fool, still do actually, but it worked out kinda. He's accepting, but for some reason I just really don't like to talk about it even though he is and he's asked me about things before.
So, if she does know, I think that probably she's going to approach you (I know how scared I am to approach my mom about being gay) and ask you about it sometime in the future. The best thing to do is just be like "so wait, you're gay?!" "Yep!" "Oh..." Just act like it isn't a big deal, and that's the best you can do, let her know it isn't a choice, and most decent people, however homophobic they may be, will continue to love their children even after anything, and especially if it isn't their choice.
Good luck :P
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt5ghXdq6Z0&safe_search=on
Wouldn't...
your dad tell your mom?
---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain
I'm like 85% sure that she
I'm like 85% sure that she knows. Her behavior towards me has changed, albeit slightly.
My mom is the kind of person who wants to sit down and talk about important things for like two hours. So, if or when the time comes that she's ready to discuss it with me, it's gonna be a loooonnggg conversation. I think I should rehearse my coming out speech. Or something.
Thanks! :P
So you're saying...
Yelling at you for being too quiet is "slightly" different?? XP
-
That's redick!
Gah, Shelby, pointing stuff out! XD
Okay, maybe "slightly different" isn't the right phrase to use. :| She's been acting INCREDIBLY different.
well..
All I can say is good luck. I hope she asks about it, and even if you deny it, or say you were studying it for school or something, hope she takes it well.
I will however, tell you a statistic my doc once told me. only 5% of the time do our fears ring true in the way that we think they will. 5%! that is nothing. nothing. that stat comes straight froma shrink!
but good luck, and I mean that! Don't feel pressured to come out if you don't want to.
-hell
Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman
Thank you for that comforting statistic :P
I'll have to keep that in mind. I've been thinking a lot about this, and I won't deny my sexuality when she confronts me about it. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I don't want to hide anymore.