My mom found the LGBT book I was reading that my counselor gave me. Which means she can probably put the pieces together and figure out I'm gay. This is horrible. HORRIBLE. I'm not ready to be out to her yet. I needed time to prepare, to be more comfortable with myself. She hasn't confronted me about finding it yet, but I know she will. And I have no idea what to expect. Will she say I'm being stupid, that I'm not really gay? Will she yell at me, disown me, kick me out of the house? Will it change the course of our relationship, will she be ashamed of me?
I'm terrified. Scared out of my wits. I'm walking on eggshells.
I know she found the book, because it was hiding under a stack of papers on my desk. Normally my mom is good about keeping her nose out of my stuff. But after I got back from driving class, the papers had been moved and the cover was showing. And the book was on the other side of the desk.
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. When I walked by her room last night, I think I heard her crying. Is it because of the book? I'm on edge, wondering what she thinks of me. When will she bring it up? I've only spoken to her once since last night, and she couldn't look me in the eyes.
What the hell am I suppose to say to her?
I'm not ready for this. Not even close to ready. How can I make my mother accept my sexuality when I'm still in the process of accepting it myself?
I think it's necessary to mention that throughout this extremely scary situation, Shelby (some of you only know her as Dracofang) has been unbelievably supportive of me. When I was panicking about it last night, Shelby was there to calm me down. She stayed up talking to me on gmail until I had control of my panic. I really don't think I could've gotten through the fear if she hadn't been there. Seriously. I owe her a lot. Some of you think she's some awful opinionated bitch, when she's really a big, sweet softie. She's a great friend, and I appreciate her friendship sooooo much.
Oop, you're secret is out Shelby. Oasis knows you're really a softie. Hehehe, sorry.