1) The moment a straight man wears spandex in a public place, he is officially fair game for ogling. I'm looking at you, road bikers. Literally.

2) I tried to watch Despicable Me last night, but I just could not finish it. Two of those little girls where little brats. You know a movie is failing hard when you find yourself hating orphans.

3) The best/worst thing about whitewater kayaking is that about 70% of your fellow boaters are dilfs. Hot older men? Awesome. The fact that they are all heterosexual? Not awesome.

4) Awkward: being hit on by straight girls while you are both in high school. Super Awkward: having straight girls come up and start dancing with you at a loud concert. Once verbal communication is out of the question, it's really hard to drop the gay bomb.

5) Want to hear something pathetic? If I find a guy attractive, I usually can't look him in the face without blushing.

6) Not excited about going to the beach. I kinda don't want to be surrounded by lonely and bored teenagers desperate for attention. "But Just Dave," you might say, "Aren't you yourself a bored and lonely teenager craving romantic attention?" And although I am indeed one such teenager, I am not heterosexual. The game they play on that island is divided strictly by gender lines, and I really don't need/want a girlfriend.

7) I get really, really fucking confused when guys say that they don't like "feminine guys". First of all, I think they mean "effeminate". Secondly, that is the vaguest damn statement ever. What the fuck do they mean by "feminine"? The most common response is "guys who act like girls", but that's bullshit too, because I dare anyone to explain just how girls "act". Shockingly, all women do not act the same way; you need to be more specific.

8) Whenever I get to number eight on a list, I can't help but think of how much the "8)" looks like an emoticon.

9) Sometimes I feel like two people smashed into one body. One part of me is a cynical and slightly bitter forty year old man. The other part is a naive thirteen year old girl who learned about romance through chick flics featuring Sandra Bullock.

10) Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't write, make lists.

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