Thanks for the feed back on my last journal. I'll keep the play by play to a minimum. :)
I didn't post about this at all on here, but I was sexually involved with a teacher who taught at the high school I went to from the time I was 16 until I was 19. I have ridiculous PTSD that is triggered by the most random of things. A song by 311, the smell of chlorine, being held too tight. It ended in him going to jail and I sued the school district and walked away with some cash.
There was a time when I didn't think I'd survive. Taking my own life wasn't an option, but I was stuck so deep in the mud and muck of my situation that I didn't think I'd ever escape. I know I have now, but sometimes, things still weigh heavily on my heart.
This probably seems like the polar opposite of my last journal, but it's directly related. At least I think so.
Until that teacher (We call him Creeper) I had never had sex with a man. He kind of opened pandoras box for me. I've got the usual slew of daddy issues. I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I started cutting when I was 10. I wasn't whole to start with, but after him, I was in too many pieces to count. I had two more bad decisions, Thanksgiving and Christmas mistakes. I ended a 3-year relationship, packed my life up and moved back in with my parents.
"Where do you go with your broken heart in tow, what do you know with left over you? How do you know when to let go, where does the good go?"
I move in and out of my parents house every 9 months or so. I take my internal injuries home to my mother who tries to feed the hurt out of me. And my dad, who doesn't know what to say, but tries.
I said previously, that I've been at this love game (no gaga) for a while. I started having sex (with girls :)) when I was 15. I was too young. That girl is now a woman, and so I am. She doesn't talk to me. Come to think of it, none of my ex's talk to me. Break a heart, lose a friend. But I digress. I didn't know a damn thing about making love. Or being faithful for that matter. I'd like to say that it's been almost a year, and I haven't cheated on my girl. Anyways, when my relationship started, I had to either decide to make it work, or call it quits before it even started. I had to be open and honest about my problems and my past. I'd like to put the Creeper skeleton in the deepest darkest part of my closet, seeing as I'm not in there. :)
I knew I had problems with physical contact. I knew that being too close to somebody or feeling trapped or just the most innocent of touches could become difficult for me. My lover is patient and kind and gets these things about me in a way I don't think most people could. We are injured in the same ways. These days, it's rare for anything to trigger my PTSD. Love heals a lot of wounds.
That I can put on a harness and make love to that woman is saying something. I've come a long way baby. I've had a year of sexual discovery and growth and strength. I think thats the under lying message under my wanting to share details. I have come to accept that I look like a straight woman. That lesbians don't know I'm gay until they see the magnet on my Jeep or my Legalize lanyard on my keys. I'm learning how to be a bottom and then channel my inner dyke and strap on. I've learned that tenderness and roughness go a long way in a relationship, both inside the bedroom and out.
I'm not concerned that somebody will Google me. I'm out in all aspects of my life. [And I work for the federal government. They can't fire me without just cause and being gay isn't one, nor is talking about being gay. And it would take them six months just with paper work. :)] I don't want to write all out smut, I just crave a way to tell people things. I am the TMI queen. I've always said I'd tell people anything as long as they asked the right questions. Btw, if you have any, PM me, I'll do my best.