GuiltGuiltGuiltGuilt
Everytime I start this journal, I could only get the title out. It's going to be so emo and lame...
And then I stopped and I thought: No, that's really it. That's all I need to say.
But there's stuff behind it. A meaning. A purpose. And I know I gotta force my fingers to click on the keys until it all comes out and I can feel better about it. It literally is throwing up my emotions on the page.
I feel horrible. Not just emotionally, but physically. I feel like all of my meat and fat and skin are just falling off my bones.
(I'm still bleeding. Still doing. Took my last red pill today so it'll just keep going for another week. That's three weeks in a row- if you don't count the week before that where I had two days of rest.)
I'm losing weight. I see it in the mirror. And while I should be happy, because this means I'm more attractive, I'm not. I don't like seeing my body change. I don't like feeling like everything is plastic wrapped to my bones.
I don't know if the weight loss is from the stress or the bleeding, or both.
Maybe the bleeding's from the stress.
I eat normally, too... It's not like I'm still throwing up and being partially anorexic. I'm not THAT stressed. It's like my body's in a love/hate relationship with me.
I feel guilty.
I had emailed J-man because I had been sick of a lot of things. This was a while ago.
And he replied.
Some of it was good and some was really, really bad. Not bad in the "I hate you" way, but bad in the way that it makes me realize how much I fucked up everything.
And now I feel guilt. A lot of it. And it's been eating away at me; at my mind, my body...
I hate myself.
I hate everything about how I act, look, feel, think.
I fool everyone into thinking that I'm some confident person, but when I look in the mirror, I just see everything that I've done to people.
And hurt them.
I hate that I hurt people.
I hate that I didn't know any better back in seventh grade of how I was SUPPOSED to act in relationships.
I hate that I hurt him so much that I wrecked his feelings for me.
I hate that I lost him because of something that happened three years ago.
I hate that I have to watch him walk away again.
I hate that he's probably the most perfect person I had ever met, and the flaws he had were all my fault.
I wish a million times over that I could go back and change the way things happen so I could just have him back. I mean... I don't love him right now, but I did love what we had. I loved everything about him. And everything broke because of my own stupid mistakes.
God, oh god... What have I done?
:'(
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Comments
Don't be so hard on yourself!
All will be fine... believe me.
You've been through a lot... and the end-of-school-year emotions can be a bit over-powering!
We all love you, Draco.
It really has nothing to do with the end of the school year.
And... Not everyone here loves me. That's a bold faced lie.
I do, however, appreciate the people who DO...
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That's redick!
hmmm
"I hate that he's probably the most perfect person I had ever met, and the flaws he had were all my fault."
you cant blame yourself for his flaws. you just cant. thats simply insane. so what, if he hadn't met you, he would have been new jesus, and made sure no one ever went hungry or fought or died ever again? everyone has flaws, my dear. i have flaws, you have flaws, he has flaws, gandhi had flaws. so you cant account his flaws to your doing, unless your like some weird sort of god being that sculpts all humans personalities before they are born, which i doubt, cuase then why would you have sculpted glenn beck?
dont balme yourself for his flaws. they are nothing of your control.
and i love you. we may disagree on how to deal with people, but i still care for you hun
but if you refuse to not balme yourself for his flaws, can i go ahead and balme your ofr my flaws as well? cuase sometimes i get myself way to worked up about polotics, and gosh darn it draco, whyd you make me like that! >=(
;D
"A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?"
Perfect to ME
And yes... His flaws were my fault. I mean the big ones, the ones I always got on here and complained about, the ones I thought were oh-so-bad... were because of me.
And the part that upsets me the most is that nothing was said. He never even gave me a chance to fix anything. There was no warning. And it hurts. It breaks me every day. I thought it was going away but it keeps coming back. I just want the pain and guilt to end already :'(
And I can't help it! I just love to make you get so worked up about politics, you know :P
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That's redick!
Hey,
No other person is the cause of someone's flaws. Let's say my dad beat me my entire childhood. And I grow up to become a bitter angry person who doesn't trust anyone else. I COULD say, "Oh, it was my dad, he made the person I am today." That's bullshit. I became a bitter human being not because my dad beat me as a child, but because I never bothered to learn how to love and trust again, even after all the time that passed.
Your situation with J-man is similar, but of course, less extreme. You treated him a certain way in the first phase of your relationship, and sure, it affected him. But in the end, that poor treatment was something that happened awhile ago, and the way he is now is not, I repeat, IS NOT a direct result of this treatment. He couldn't get over your poor treatment even a year or so after it happened, even after you stopped. He CHOSE to hang onto it, to remember it, to become bitter and hold it against you.
Another person could be put in his place and they would choose to forgive you, to move on, to suck it up and continue a healthy relationship with you. So, basically, his being all bitter and emotional and shit isn't because of you, it's because of his inability to let go.
I love you, Shelby! :)
Awwwww <3
I guess you're right, but I still feel really guilty.
You know you're the best, right? :D
I love you tooooooo!!! <3333
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That's redick!
Don't take everything into
Don't take everything into your own hands - it takes two people in a relationship.
And I know that it's easier to blame yourself, and I do it all the time. But I'll tell you what I've been told : no matter what not everything can be your fault, and you are loved. <3
:)
You guys all make me feel like a speshul snowflake :P
Thanks, MF <3
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That's redick!
A unique snowflake!
One that never melts!
and anyway, if he didn't
and anyway, if he didn't bring up whatever happened back them other than now, to break up with you, you couldn't have fixed it. and we all know that you would have fixed whatever it was if he gave you the chance. you always, always wanted what was best for him and the relationship; you made that so obvious here.
you might be extra-stressed AND losing weight because of the bleeding. are you getting lots of iron?
I guess you're right.
And I don't know, the bleeding is really scaring me. I can't sleep because of back pains, which I've NEVER had on a period, and this really bad pain in my left hip today.
I'm not worried about losing blood, persay, but that something WORSE might be going on. And my mom doesn't really seem to care, so I can't go to the doctor and make sure that it isn't anything bad.
And I'm getting... Moderate amounts. I ate steak the other night and meatloaf last night. But that's surely not enough. I'll take an iron pill before bed today since my heavy, normal period is supposed to start tomorrow.
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That's redick!
yeah, dude, if nothing else,
yeah, dude, if nothing else, take a multivitamin that has plenty of iron in it once a day. iron deficiency/anemia is a big cause of weight loss.
why can't you take yourself to a doctor on your own?
I can't drive yet.
I'm not old enough to. And so I'd have to walk or something, which would get me in trouble.
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That's redick!
goddamn. i always think
goddamn. i always think you're older than me and you never are and that never changes.
you really do need to see a doctor. send your mom to like a legitamate medical site and have her search "should i go to the doctor if my vagina is bleeding blood nonstop?" and the answer will be yes.
You really think I'm older than you? XD
That's a compliment to me, thanks!
Anyways... I think mom said that I'm going to be taken into a physical soon. I suppose I'll address my issues when I get in there.
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That's redick!
Reminds me.
This reminds me of early High School during my life. My guilt wasn't from causing issues but allowing them. I'm besides the point though. Guilt and regret are a plague you can't let them destroy you or your body. In the end there is nothing in the past that you or anyone else can change. We have to see the past for what it is, a series of challenges that we either overcame, ran away from, chose a different path or stood looking at. What is important isn't which decision we chose but what we took away from that challenge. What did you learn because if you don't learn all that will happen is the same challenge will come to you until you do learn it. Life is truly what you make it. Look closely at what you want and then let yourself have it sometimes that takes work but sometimes life will just plop it in your lap.
I'm sorry that I may sound like a public service announcement but these thoughts are what have allowed me to move on after some very dark parts of my life. And who knows maybe this particular relationship wasn't meant but another better one is in the future some where and the experiences of this relationship are preparing you for it.
Just food for thought
Hoping Life Brings Gifts