Trigger warning...this post will contain the following material: talk of self-harm, relapse, depression, anxiety, and anything else that may come up in comments from others (if there are any).
I don't need your pity. Really, I don't.
But as I've said, my depression has been really bad. To the extent that just getting up to go to the bathroom is a chore and I avoid it for hours. Its not because of my gender issues. Its because I don't feel like doing it.
Anyway, I told my doctor this on Friday and so she is having me start another anti-depressant.
Friday was also the day I finished up the group therapy program I was in and finished with my Good Therapist. Fuck. On Friday I got 4 hugs and a kiss.
I was away for a couple days with the parents. Depression didn't get better even though I was away from my city, supposedly on "vacation."
Anyway, to cut to the chase...
after nearly four months clean (since the beginning of January 2011), I reverted back into my old ways. I acted on my self-harm urges. I did it today around 9:37pm. I don't even know that I regret it.
I told Good Therapist and got a text back from her but I don't know how to interpret the tone and I tend to overthink/overanalyze shit like this.
I see Bleh Therapist tomorrow and I have to tell her first thing when I see her about tonight.
Good Therapist said I should do a pros/cons list and a behavior chain to figure out for myself and Bleh Therapist what the triggers were/are.
Again, I'm not writing this to get anyone's pity. I'm writing it to be truthful to myself and others. I have to stop avoiding things that have happened and just accept that as the past. I can't go back in time and erase the fact that I just hurt myself.