I'm not sure how to respond to this so...
(comments in bold)

Trigger warning...this post will contain the following material: talk of self-harm, relapse, depression, anxiety, and anything else that may come up in comments from others (if there are any).

I don't need your pity. Really, I don't. I don't care. Your getting it anyway.

But as I've said, my depression has been really bad. :( To the extent that just getting up to go to the bathroom is a chore and I avoid it for hours. Its not because of my gender issues. Its because I don't feel like doing it.
Anyway, I told my doctor this on Friday and so she is having me start another anti-depressant. That's good.... Anti-depressants are good...

Friday was also the day I finished up the group therapy program I was in and finished with my Good Therapist. Fuck. On Friday I got 4 hugs and a kiss.

I was away for a couple days with the parents. Depression didn't get better even though I was away from my city, supposedly on "vacation." Care to explain?

Anyway, to cut to the chase...
after nearly four months clean (since the beginning of January 2011), I reverted back into my old ways. I acted on my self-harm urges. I did it today around 9:37pm. I don't even know that I regret it. *insert unhappy face here* I understand that self harm is a coping mechanism... I've been there... But it's not good. stop. Find something else to do. That's why I write poetry...

I told Good Therapist and got a text back from her but I don't know how to interpret the tone and I tend to overthink/overanalyze shit like this. read in a monotone voice next time. It might not cause you to overthink it...

I see Bleh Therapist tomorrow and I have to tell her first thing when I see her about tonight. Good.

Good Therapist said I should do a pros/cons list and a behavior chain to figure out for myself and Bleh Therapist what the triggers were/are. That's a good idea. Have you done it yet?

FUCK.

Again, I'm not writing this to get anyone's pity. I'm writing it to be truthful to myself and others. Okay. I have to stop avoiding things that have happened and just accept that as the past. I think it's great that you realize that. I can't go back in time and erase the fact that I just hurt myself.

I hope you feel kind of better soon Eli... ~Ayumi