You can just ignore this if you want.
[Warning for insecurity and anxiety and maybe self harm and eating disorders and I don't even know what else.]
I just need to vent... About everything. And I know you don't really care and you wish I'd shut up and stop being so goddamn negative and paranoid about every fucking thing but I just need to get this all out somewhere and that's what this site is for. You don't have to read it.
I just... God I don't even know where to begin.
I feel like I'm useless and pathetic and like I'm just a huge burden on everyone. Me and all of my issues that I create for myself. I can't just deal with anything. Or suck it up. And then I go around beating myself up for every little thing I do making myself feel worse and I want reassurance but I don't want to bother people with my own pathetic issues. For once in my life things are actually going the way they're supposed to and I can't just be happy. I'm a stupid drama queen that just finds reasons to be upset.
And nobody wants to hear my problems, why would they? They all have their own, most of which are far worse than mine. Here I am acting like it's the end of the fucking world every time I get stuck with a needle or poked downstairs. Feeling like I'm fat because I gained a kilo. Being unhappy with my body even though I'm on HRT and have surgery scheduled and a supportive father who will help me fix things.
I don't know why so many people waste their energy on me. I'm not worth it. All I ever do is whine and rant about how terrible I am at everything like I'm doing right now. I'm always needing support and I can't just deal with things on my own and maybe it's because I have so much to deal with but that's all my fault really because if I could just stop seeing everything so awfully then I would have less problems.
And I'm so weak and so pathetic. I don't even have the willpower to work out or eat less or do SOMETHING that would improve how I feel about myself. I just sit and mope and continue with my pathetic little pattern of life telling myself that I'll work harder when this or that changes.
I avoid talking to people and don't answer the phone and let messages build up in my e-mail because I'm too weak to deal with people. I just ignore them because "I can't handle it". I hurt my friends because I can't handle it. I can't handle shit.
And here I am still moping not having gotten over some really minor shit that happened years ago. Still not completely over it even though the offending party has more than made up for it and would never do those things again. I still haven't forgiven them and it still hurts and I don't even know why anymore.
And I fall apart so easily because I can't be bothered to fix myself.
And I don't know why people bother being friends with me because I'm such a huge burden.
And I feel like nobody will ever be attracted to me because I'm not sexual and that messes things up.
And it doesn't matter anyway because I'll never trust anybody enough to have a healthy relationship with them.
Which is also completely my fault.
I just hurt people and drag them down.
It makes me want to run away somewhere. So they don't have to put up with me anymore.
I'm really sorry for all of this... It just proves how pathetic I am.
I'll go now. ._.