I don't think I love him anymore.
Well maybe I DO,
But I don't think I CAN.

And I want to, but,

I'm tired of waiting for him to act like he's in love with me.

For Valentine's day, I baked him a whole batch of cookie bars and wrote him a long note telling him how much he meant to me.

He bought me a card and barely wrote anything in it.
His mom got me chocolate.

How long do I have to wait to feel like I'm more than just his friend?

How long do I have to wait for him to tell me I'm important?
I think he's only called me beautiful once
in this whole year
and
I probably made him...

He's gone right now.
To be honest, I don't think I miss him.

What is there to miss? Conversations he doesn't even seem interested in?

Not wanting to hang out?

Not feeling the need to be intimate with me?

His self-importance?

I'm waiting for someone
anyone
to feel like I'm more than just that person who yells at them all the time

I'm waiting for someone to see past the words
and feel the meaning

I'm waiting for someone to ask me
if I'M okay
waiting for someone to tell me
that it's going to be alright because I'm strong enough to take it
waiting for someone to tell me that
I can be strong enough to get the bad people out of my life

waiting for the best friend I ever had
to pay attention to me again
(even if she's got new friends)

I'm waiting to find girls out there
who aren't crazy, boy-obsessed,
and drastically emotional

I pretend like I'm strong
like I'm so strong nobody can beat me

but really?

I'm not. I've never been. I'm human.

I'm a human, who just like you, sleeps in a bed at night and worries over problems
I'm a human, who just like you, looks in the mirror and sees SOMETHING they don't like
I'm a human, who just like you, cries, loves, hurts, feels, laughs, hugs, kisses, cuddles, showers, and goes to the bathroom
I wake up every morning and live under the same sky and breathe the same air as you

I'm more than some text-box on the internet. I'm five foot tall, average weight, blue eyed, brown haired with a bob cut, and I've got the gene for hairy knuckles. It's a dominant gene and I'm proud of it. My fingers are short,
Too short to span more than one octave on a piano,
and just like you,
or maybe not like you,
I bite my fingernails when I'm really nervous or upset.

(They're quite short).

I have dreams, just like you.

I cry.
Did I mention that?
I cry, I cry, I cry, and I cry.

I long for arms to hold me just like you do
I want people to say
"You're important, I love you more than anyone",

I'm disappointed,
pleased,
loved,
hated.

I'm everything, but nothing.

I live,
and I die,
and I do everything in between.

Maybe not like you,
I used to cut myself.
And the scars are still there
They're here, there, and everywhere

(I love the Beatles, just like some of you)

Even though it's been over a year, everytime I get wet or get sunburnt, they spring up a lighter white or a darker purple depending on what happens to my skin.

And I wish I could cut them off and stick them in a box somewhere and pretend I didn't have them
(but that would make more scars,
after all, that's how we got here in the first place).

And most of all,
more than most of all,
I hurt inside, too.

I hurt inside a lot lately, and I try to pretend that everything's alright and laugh and laugh and for the most part it works.
But then
people start chipping away at me and I break at times like this.

So do you pity me yet?
Isn't this what you guys want?
Me to get on my knees and throw up all my sadness?

Because I don't want that. But here it is nonetheless.

(I think I lied,
I do miss him.
But not the him he's been lately
the him that I had over a year ago.
He was more of a man back then than he is right now).

I wish something bad could happen to me,
like a big car crash
and I got stuck in a coma or something.
And then he'd think I was gonna die and realize "man, maybe she means more to me and I should start paying more attention to her and acting like she's my everything", and he'd cry, and beg me to wake up and then I would
maybe.
and maybe
everything would be okay after then

maybe.