Yet another melancholy journal entry. I feel like a little bitch posting so much posts about how 'depressed' I am, but this really is the only medium I have to express these feelings, and it's sad. There really is no other word, just sad. I feel like my whole existence is trapped in this small glass cage, with everyone tapping on glass, staring at me waiting to do something, when the reality is I don't know what to do. I used to be such a good boy, I really was. Straight A's, loved my family, always minded manners, never did anything wrong... now I'm lost in this realm of vice... and I don't know how I got here. I never thought I'd be here, I never thought I would even allow myself to succumb to all these things. But I'm a fucker prisoner now. A fucking addict.... a fucking addict.... I'm fucking crying as I write this.... I RUINED myself.... FUCKING RUINED. I had EVERYTHING in my reach. And I threw it all away.... I want to be clean... I want to save myself... but I don't know how. All I think about when I do these things is my mother.... god she loves me so much.... and I'm throwing it all away... my dad can't even look at me the same ever since they found out... and it's entirely my fault... I just want to escape... go to a vast desert... with the sunset.. and it's raining.. to where I lay my head down on the rough ground... and go to sleep forever.. and set myself free... and never return... Was all of this supposed to happen? Was this my purpose in life? Did God send me down this path? I'll never know... I'll never know... Never do what I did Erika, and Cameron I let you down... Mom I love you... no matter how much I scream and thrust things around the house... Dad I am your son.. I'm just like you.. I have your looks, your personality... please.. find the beauty in me somehow... I'm a selfish, cruel person for putting you through this... I fucking love you... I really do... no matter what i do to you, or all the pain you put me through... I can never say I don't.... I'm the kid that ruined everything... I'm the underachiever.. the one who didn't think things through... the one whose dying before your eyes.. whos tears you've seen fall to many a time... the one who needs you more than anything in the world... FUCKING LOVE ME... please.... God... I fucking shed tears for you all... I would give ANYTHING to get you all back... anything... please... don't let me die like this... I need you....