Today I just feel like I'm not going anywhere in life.
Summer break starting soon, no plans, no friends to call over or talk to, no job, no car, most of my money wraped up in the bank by my mother, the support group I tried to contact hasn't tried to call me back, theres no theripist any where near where I live, and I can't visit my docter to talk to her because I don't know how much it would cost, or how to do it with out alerting my parents.
I'm no where closer to transitioning than I was three or four months ago, and I even if I where closer so what! it summer time, three months of baking heat, sunshine, and the constint erge to jump in a pool. I'v read up on what to expect in the first three months and if I were to start hormones everyone would be sure to notice and on some MtF's breasts grow big early. What if that happened there would be no way for them not to notice.
What about after summer there's school, one more year of high shool, ONE YEAR, just think of all the changes that would happen too me over that period of time.
Any way you look at it it's a powder keg ready to explode.
But I can't put transitioning off for too long what would I do then? My hormone levels wil just keep going up up up till there's no way for me to transition, till my body is to far gone to be able to convincibly pass "oh look momy is that a man?" "why is that man buying things from the woman's section" "don't look at him just keep walking" even if people don't say it, that's what i'll think their thinking. I'll think oh no why did they look away? why did they walk past me without looking me in the eye? do they think that I should just stop pretending, cut my hair, wash off the makeup.
What'll I do? I found this one site online a while back and it's been on my mind for a while now. This woman is selling this packet for mabey around $40 60 day money back thing that shows guys how to naturally grow boobs. The testomonials seem pretty convincing, I havn't been able to find a single thing online that has anything bad to say about it, and in some it provides other feminizing effects, but my mom always taught me that if something seems to good to be true then it's most likely not what you think it is.
Even if I did some day finnaly transition all the way, so what what would I do with my life? Come on what if any thing am I actually good at? I have no skills that I know of that would have any kind of practicle use whatsoever, probly end up as some watress in a small crowded restaurant, where every one is impatient, yelling my face "WHERES MY FOOD" all for some measly little check at the end of the week, and we cant forget about a place to stay, probable a chep little room with no furniture, one neighbor that constantly plays the worst possible music, and another that's obnoxisous, fat, and and try's to hit on me because he thinks he's irrisitable.
(sigh) I think I'm done depressing myself for now but I'll be back
I'm sure of it.